Project Me

I don’t know if you’ve ever woken up in excruciating pain from a calf that’s decided to go into spasm. That was my wake up call this morning and I did everything in my power not to burst out cry and start screaming in agony … it was that sore. After it settled, the reality must have hit and remembered the pain of waking up on the morning when my disk in my lower back had ruptured. I managed to fall back asleep but the damage was done and with an aching calf came a little trigger of fears and anxiety. For whatever reason it’s left me feeling depressed and anxious and I’m kinda forcing a blog. Actually, I’m forging everything.

Bless my family for rallying around me. Breakfast was made, my mom is reminding me that my back is never going to go back to what is was and my brother-in-law is obsessively trying to tickle me to get a laugh.
My Uncle and Aunt who came from overseas to see my little sis get married leave today. My uncle is lost without my dad and so we have all decided to take him curry, (just like he would have done with my dad) so the pressure is on to snap out of the is mood.

I’m on my 3rd cup of tea and that hasn’t helped.
I’m listening to all my favourite country songs and that hasn’t worked yet.
I’ve played with Saphirah and not even her purring and cuddling has worked yet.
The wacky statements of my Facebook friends don’t seem as funny, so that hasn’t worked yet either.
My stats weren’t as cheery as I thought the would be, so that hasn’t worked particularly well.
Little sis and brother-in-law said they will treat me to lunch but nothing seems to excite me enough to work.

But … then I realised …
Tomorrow I am going to breakfast with one of my dearest friends. I haven’t seen her since June last year and haven’t spoken to her since our brief call on the day of my birthday in September. The call yesterday was part of her healing process and a sign that she is going to make it through. She suffers from Manic bipolar and there are days, when I haven’t heard from her in a few months, when I wonder if she didn’t surrender to it.
She likes it that way … she vanishes out of sight for a while because she can’t cope with life at all. She knows when it’s time to come but and I hold my breath for the months while I wait to hear from her. This was one of the worst in about 15 years, she told me yesterday. But tomorrow we are going out to celebrate her coming out on the other side of it … a little braver, a little wiser, but still wondering why?

There are more stories that just my BP friend. I am surrounded by incredible people who survive each day with more than just a fleeting moment of anxiety or a bout of depression.
Then there are those who we will spend the rest of our lives asking … why?

This one’s for you …

With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour