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Published February 27th, 2011
Admittedly, I’ve felt crappy for days.
Damn, now I have to explain myself!
There is a line of diabetes in my family, so I really shouldn’t be messing around with how I eat considering I’ve been diagnosed with a pretty high level of something. I don’t know how it all works but I do know that I need to keep my sugar levels as stable as possible.
Everyone always assumes that means cutting out all the carbs and keeping the sugar to almost non existent (including the good ones) and sometimes I get into total idiot space and act like ‘everyone’. No offence to anyone who is reading this and knows they aren’t being kind to their bodies, but the truth first hurts and then sets you straight.
On Tuesday night when Greggie, my mom and myself get together for our little dose of self healing and honesty I am going to have to deal with the consequences of what I’m about to tell you.
Before my sister’s wedding I began to worry that I wouldn’t look great in what I was wearing. I know I said that a few times. The truth is that I did the one thing that I thought was the only thing I could do and cut my carbs right down. I mean right down. The most I would have was an odd bowl of all bran every few days. I had no fruit and I listened to some of the worst advice I have ever been fed. Actually, I’ve been fed it for years and I tapped back into in a total space of fear.
After the wedding I felt great and so I carried on keeping my carbs low. Not completely gone, but I know it’s too low.
Then Hustler Girl and I went on that sugar binge and I was sick almost halfway through my carbo loaded lunch. With each crash I had to fuel myself with more sugar and I have been faint and dizzy since Wednesday.
Yesterday was so bad that I literally had to put myself to bed after a lunch that goes against anything screaming balance.
You know I have voices in my head, so I’m not going to go into explaining myself about that. I am going to explain what the voices were screaming at me about though.
Friends, I love you … but my word, do you mess with my mind and my choices for my own health. I can’t believe how everyone has an opinion and I watch your Facebook status’s saying you were at gym for 2 hours and you are surviving fine on a tomato smoothie. Here I am trying to learn to listen to my own body and it’s screaming for me to eat carbs at every meal. The good carbs of course … but carbs one the less. It’s protein overload all around me and that’s not the wisest thing to do for a body.
At this point my best friend, Greggie, is reading this post and rolling his eyes or mumbling ‘I told you so’ under his breathe, but for some reason I did choose a lifetime of learning things my own way.
Since I was a little girl I never just believed anything that I was told and that has carried on through my whole life. Why would I make it any different when learning how to eat. NOT being told how to eat or following a diet or a plan … but learning for myself what I need to balance my own body.
With the room spinning around me and my blood levels wavering from high to low, the voices reminded me that I know what I’m doing. I know that there is no one under the sun who can tell me what to eat and how to take care of my own body. Shit, that’s a lot of self trust. No one goes inwards at a time like this and the craving to google the perfect diet is haunting me.
I’m not 13! I’m a 37 year old woman who is trying to show the world that we have the power within us to do and be anything. The truth does remain though … I have an erratic sugar issue and I should NOT be messing around with it. The only way to do that is grow the hell up and start listening to myself.
So, you can hear I’m being mean to myself and I’m going to have to take some time to turn that around, but in the meantime I have to stop the light-headedness and the room from spinning. I have to trust in myself to balance my sugars myself and take yet another massive ‘project me’ step.
First things first though … I admitted it! I told you and me the truth … I didn’t want an afternoon nap, I needed it! Desperately!
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
body issues, diet, fear, friends, Greggie, gym, Hustler Girl, Project Me, truth, wedding | 
6 CommentsPublished February 19th, 2011
In creating my own reality, I choose what to believe and it always becomes my truth. I spend my life saying ‘I am that powerful’, ‘you are the powerful’, and ‘we are that powerful’. One of my realities is that everything has its duality. Light has dark, love has hate, happiness has sadness.
I had one of those days filled with perfect duality. I use the word ‘perfect’ very loosely because I wasn’t feeling much perfection while weeping into a towel because tissues weren’t capable of absorbing the tears.
I woke up to the drained feeling that has been filling my days but found the determination to go to gym with pride and enthusiasm. I went from bouncing excitement that I am constantly going to gym to almost having to hold onto the rail for the last lap around the track because my body was that exhausted.
On the way home I had a long chat with myself and the encouraging speech got me fired up to get a lot off my to-do list. Sadly, I walked into the dual feeling of a destructive speech in one of those conversations that starts with ‘don’t say aything, but …’. I hate those conversations because I live in utter truth. YES … I do live in utter truth. I can’t even lie if the tea is too cold and I don’t appreciate other’s not being able to speak their truth to me.
Calm moved to rage and pride moved to shattered esteem.
I decided not to drain my business partner with the duality of my emotion because he’s on a roll and I didn’t feel it fair. Instead, from feeling engulfed with support I felt alone in the world, but that duality served a purpose too. I worked my little butt off … not out of spite and to ‘show them’ (all those who think I am failing or going to fail), but because I am a surviver and I believe enough in myself and my dreams.
My post starts with a beautiful picture and saying that a friend made just because she wanted to remind me of how much she loves and appreciates me. I stared into my own eyes and loved the light and joy that I shine into the world.
However, just a few moments prior my can opener broke and I had enough rage in those very eyes to take a knife to the can and literally stab and tear it open. If there were the need I might even have used me teeth.
One man let my down by ignoring me because I hurt him with my truth and another made my day by sending me a message that said “Keep it up girl, and never stop believing in yourself.”
One friend praised me for what I do and another said she can’t associate her business with my venture of empowering women through my Organic Orgasm talks.
I was the closest to having the most visits on my site in a day and then the furthest away when my hosting company failed me again and my site went down.
I cried with absolute self pity and then laughed with absolute self pride.
Yet, through it all I did some things I never thought I would do … I never forgot the beauty of it all. I honoured every emotion and every thought. I didn’t shy away from the hatred or anger and I didn’t try deny that I am perfect in my eyes. And when my friend sent me that beautiful gesture and perfect saying and I stared at the can I had just mutilated … I smiled at my truth that everything is (as always) exactly as it should be.
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published February 6th, 2011
These past few days have been pretty memorable for ‘project me’.
It’s not often that I get myself into a space that I battle to get out after a good dose of self reflection, a good chat with a friend or some ice cream. Granted, I didn’t try the ice cream bit considering it’s sis’s wedding this time next week and part of my crisis is how mean I’m being to myself about my lack of excessive weight loss. Did you note I said excessive? Not that I’m not losing, but when a downer hits it seems that nothing is good enough.
If I didn’t have the fighting spirit, the belief that I can manifest my reality and that everything is as it should be, the ‘project me’ would not exists. So to find myself in this WTF space where I am considering finding a day job … well then this day surely needs to be noted because it surely will be refereed back to … after I have gotten over myself and found success of course.
NOT that I don’t feel successful already and I know I have been going on about this a bit and it even sparked some debate on my Facebook page. Yet, the truth is that some self esteem does lie in the money we make. It’s brilliant that I have the recognition and the respect I do. It’s incredible that my personal blog has grown in such numbers and I have international followers. It’s awesome, it’s incredible, it’s magical, it’s unexpected, it’s … not paying the bills!
Oh boy … it’s come down to this … money issues!!
No doubt that puts a damper on the entire day. Even one spent with my precious friend, Hustler Girl, who was as supportive and encouraging as ever. So much of what she said is right and I know that this has nothing to do with me not living what I am passionate about … that’s easy. This is about putting myself out there with a big voice and using the whole of my being – my wisdom, my teaching ability, my presence, my personality and my way of living.
It is unique … I AM UNIQUE! Yet there’s something I’m not doing in my highest esteem and stressing out, pushing harder or being unkind to myself is certainly NOT going to fix it!
It’s Sunday and under normal circumstances, when I am having a shit day, I would do some sort of work to make up for anything I might be missing. Well isn’t that just being mean to me? It’s Sunday … I’m allowed to rest! The workaholic in me is obviously freaking out … but it is Sunday and most of the world takes at least one day and gives it all to themselves.
I’m saying it, but can I do it in the space I’m in? Well, bookmark this day and hold your breathe for an update on day 403.
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published January 22nd, 2011
It’s the first Saturday morning in ages that my schedule has so many possibilities. Despite the fact that I can’t act on them because my car battery is flat is totally besides the point. Just the fact that I can think about climbing in my car and driving to the shops or that my gym stuff is laid out on the couch and ready to put on at some point in the day is fabulous.
Yesterday was an awesome body stress release treatment with Dan and when he told me to only call for another appointment when I felt I needed it, well that was the cherry on top. I know it might seem as though I have been stalling climbing into my car and driving or dashing out to the gym, but I really have been petrified that I would do more damage to my back and it’s now my sister’s wedding around the corner.
Yesterday something changed. Well, it’s been a slow change thanks to my very conscious ‘project me’ push to step into my assertive and bold personality. Everyone can feel it. Not to say it hasn’t caused a few upsets with friends and family so far, but this journey is about being kind to me and hoping that everyone will do the same for themselves. We all have to walk away and lick our wounds at some point in our lives. I have been doing a lot of wound licking and had such an massive cry on Thursday that contact lenses were not an option on day 387. It felt good and the result was the opposite to what I thought. My sister, brother, mom and I gathered for a very happy dinner and we got the seating plan for the wedding done and dusted. If that doesn’t cause world war 3 then we are getting somewhere thanks to truth.
On the note of it being only 3 weeks away from the wedding. I did think that I would feel a little better about slipping into my (not so little) black number. I love my outfit and am not far off from feeling comfortable in it. The weight waters points system is working despite a few hectic eating moments thanks to the stresses around me. The SlimLab is definitely keeping me from eating a house, but I couldn’t be happier that the timing in life is always perfect.
Without having to say too much, Dan gave me the go ahead to get to gym, get in the car and get my life back. I think I have done enough thinking about my body, relating to myself and research to know that I’m not going to snap in half if I put my body under some physical strain. Of course, no squats, weights, bending or running though.
No obsessive eating behaviour either. Than means no living on cucumbers and tomatoes and not nourishing the body. I can do this, right?
It’s shoe shopping day for the wedding and then a little friendship time with Hustler Girl. In that time I have to bat my eyelashes at my brother (or promise to buy him food) and get him to start my car so that I can see the inside of the gym for more than just a weigh in!
Wow, I thought this day would never get here 
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published January 21st, 2011
I’ve seriously been trying to blog since 7am this morning. I don’t have to defend myself and say I’m the glass half full girl so it’s not like I need to slip into positive affirmation mode and cling to my dreams. Nothing has changed. My cup still runneth over with abundance and love. I don’t even feel less positive or motivated. I can see it all in front of me but today I feel like I need to carry a fly swat around with me and keep whacking at all of life’s obstacles that are clouding my day.
The beginning of the year seems so far away that I can’t remember if I told you I get together with some friends and we do an annual tarot reading. No fortune telling but rather a better understanding of who we are and who we have the power to be in this year. Everything is neutral. There’s no good or bad, but I can’t get the picture of the tower card out of my head.
I literally have my home being broken down around me and with that comes a whole lot of other obstacles that seem to be clouding the momentum to move.
I have to speak my frustration before I go any further though. I’m not big on painting life with the rosy affirmation brush of denial. I also don’t believe that seeing the truth of a situation and expressing it shows negativity if it’s expressed correctly.
It’s not like I’m saying “Oh woe is me, my life is falling down around me and it’s all sucky and the Universe is picking on me!”
Yes, there is chaos around me but I know everything happens for a reason and I’m completely grateful, unafraid and living in the moment … so stop telling me to be positive! Learn the difference between living in the truth and complaining and then we can chat.
What was I blogging about again? Oh right … life getting in the way!
I’m trying to figure out whether I should spare you the minor details or whether I should just get to the ‘project me’ part of what I’m going to do to be conscious of this little tower card that will be hanging around for an entire year?
I’m going to do what I always do! I’m going to tell myself the truth and then tell everyone else. I will deal with the consequences of my thoughts and actions and make sure I carry tissues around because it usually brings about a tear or two. I’m going to remain in the incredible space of faith and fall back onto my addiction of food (with a little more consciousness and the help of the SlimLab tablets). Then I’m going to do what I do be – be me! Write when I want to, cry when I want to, sigh when I want to, complain when I want to, drink tea when I want to and fly away on dragons when I need to.
It’s still a nowhere day, but I know that! I’m no less of the magnificent woman I am and no step back from the powerful dreams I have … it’s just a day where hammers, drills, loud generators, screaming builders, wedding plans, sibling rivalry, missing daddy, injured little nephews, sexual frustration, niggly back pain and blog glitches have all gotten in the way!
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published January 12th, 2011
Another Tuesday evening spent with the two people who are also on the path of telling themselves the truth. Another night of feeling haunted by my own realisations because I know they are about to signal in more change. Another dose of truth and delving into the reason that I have learned this particular thing about myself at this very moment in time. It’s not easy and it’s not fun, but a good night’s sleep and I wake up with a whole new understanding about the night before.
That, or I wake up still a little frustrated and then I pull a muscle in the middle of my ribcage, while trying to jump into my jeans, and wind myself for the rest of the day. Trying to remember how to breathe is a great way to remember the gratitude and pause (while gasping for air) to think about what you are grateful for … just in case you die!
Okay, so I didn’t die … and I’m here to live yet another day of ‘project me’, but last night did bring about something that I can no longer hide.
For about a week and a bit I have been dealing with the nagging in my head and the nagging of my best friend, who have both been pointing out that ‘project me’ is about living to the full potential of my personality. Isn’t that how we are all supposed to live? Considering that I end each day reflecting back to ensure that I have lived my truth, within my integrity and in my highest esteem and I battle like hell to live within that full potential, I sometimes need to reflect back on how far I have come. No time to reflect back now though … it’s in this very moment that my attention is focused.
You see, looking back or dreaming forward is a brilliant distraction for a girl who is slowly realising that I have a very larger personality (I’m still trying to meet myself, so give me a moment before I introduce me to you), lives within my integrity, speaks the truth and has nothing at all, under the entire sun, that I am ashamed or hide from the world. Radical right? Well, can’t you see why I hide my personality then.
Things have been agitating me. I haven’t wanted to go places, see people or deal with issues. I feel the need to slip away from the world, but at the same time I can also feel that I am finally being true to myself.
Within just a few days of speaking my truth, knowing my worth and trusting my decisions, I have been hit with tests from all angles.
So I spoke my truth and got questions. I expressed my worth and got challenged on my strength of that very discovery. I made my decision and was confronted as to the esteem with which I made it … trust me, I know my foundation and I know the esteem ways high!
I worry that people might think I am arrogant … now wait, I used to worry about that. The truth is that that has also changed. I don’t worry about what people thing anymore. In the good way of not worrying, because I trust myself enough to know that the intention with which I communicate anything is pure and with love. I can’t worry about what people do with it though.
This means not playing into other’s lies, dramas or chaos. This means saying what I mean when asked to say something. This means rattling cages if they don’t like the truth and standing firm in my beliefs when I am challenged.
A very dear friend of mine roped me into a lie because they are battling to speak their truth. I let it slide … but only long enough to have my say. I have no need to lie about anything … that is a far cry from who I was. I used to lie about everything because I was afraid of consequence and I was riddled with shame, but I’ve changed and I’m changing still. Before I learned not to lie to others but now I realise that lying for others is just as out of the integrity of all the work I have done to become who I am today.
Join me … what’s the worst that can happen right?
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published January 4th, 2011
It’s very seldom that I swap out the ritualistic cup of tea for a cold glass of white wine but tonight calls for it. I’m going to cut straight to the chase and say that I’m battling to blog tonight because of the day I’ve had. It’s been a hard, sad and draining one and none of the events even had a direct impact on my life. Well, besides having realised just the other day that I don’t really know how I deal with anger or get angry, today whacked me with a few realisations. Continue reading
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published December 13th, 2010
I love the irony. On the night that I intend to enthusiastically blog about ‘project me’ and the future plans as it grows from strength to strength – well isn’t that the night that I have internet trouble, my computer is freezing and wordpress is denying me access.
I’m doing my best to maintain the enthusiasm but the blogging gremlins are out to ruin my fun. Go away gremlins!
So my day took an interesting turn. Continue reading
Published November 3rd, 2010I sat down to blog at about 11pm last night and had one of the most important moments with myself. Sliding my chair back, I knew that I had done enough for one day and that this could wait. I’m at the most crucial time of my healing because I am off all the strong medication and am still able to write. Two little over the counter painkillers saw me through the day and I could feel the push to do more.
Yesterday was beyond words for me. Continue reading
Published August 31st, 2010I woke up to the little voice of my nephew saying “Ssssh, Aunty Jo is sleeping!” Alright, he was shouting it about a baby step away from me, but I can’t deny that isn’t not a precious way to wake up. The downside is that by aching back was too sore to even stretch out for morning hugs and kisses. I knew that today was totally about surrendering to the situation and not moving from the house. Continue reading
