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Published March 21st, 2012
I’m still blogging. There’s something in not giving up on a relationship while trying to figure out what the next move is with it. So today I got to wake up super late, which is great seeing as though I’m pumped up on meds to get rid of this nasty spider bite … that only seems to be getting more painful.
I reached for phone (which acts as my clock/watch) and gasped because I thought I had forgotten to organise a guest for Angela’s Sunday morning radio slot of ‘project me’ and the realised … it’s not Sunday. Public holidays are those little gifts for the working peeps, but when you own your own business and there’s burning stuff to be done … like a Tweetup in 6 days time and not nearly enough people, a pubic holiday can be somewhat annoying.
Crisis averted and a few more days to plan the Sunday morning show, but I sent an immediate message to my dear friend, Jarred Orlin AKA the gossip guy and asked him to be my project me guest. Yay, he’s doing it so that’s another week sorted.
So tomorrow I have an interview with the Venus Networks for their product, Estee Lauder and they are coming to chat to me about my perfume collection, which I blogged about not so long ago. That got a bee in my bonnet because Pat and I have had plans to fix up the room after my sis gave us a gorgeous headboard for our engagement, but we haven’t gotten around to it. What better day than a Sun … um … public holiday.
The day kinda went like that. Every once in a while I would want to do something Sunday, like get ready to record the Mnet movie or plan dinner for Monday because I teach at nights. Then it was Wednesday all over again and back to settling into a public holiday, that might be needed but has me frustrated seeing as though I feel like there’s so much to do and so little time.
The Sunday (well, you know what I mean by now) blues have made me realise something a little deeper about my aversion to my blog at the moment. Wait, before I go there I have to stop and thank my amazing readers and friends, who have slowly found time to tell me how much they love ‘project me’ and share their reasons for not commenting. Not that the commenting or retweeting has anything to do with my final decision about the blog … it’s just and excuse to not have to get ‘project me’ real about the space I’m in.
The reality of the space I’m in and I think I’m getting to the nitty gritty of why the blog is getting to me so much, stems for the straw that broke the camel’s back today.
After my dad passed away, I shared a country song with my mom, where the lyrics go: ‘Life’s not the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away’. From that day on, that song has been very emotional for both my mom and I as we both reflect on our relationship with my dad, in our own special way. Money is tight. Money is more than tight and Pat and I are still out there doing everything in our power to live our individual dreams. Our bedroom looks gorgeous, but we’ve done it on a shoestring budget and there are things we know we’ll improve on as the money begins to flow.
Then I was it.
A picture frame with the words of the song written around it. I had to have it. Finances are strained but I still couldn’t walk out of that store without having it for my mom and I had to turn to Pat for help. Help that he really can’t give me, but gave me anyway. That set the tears going and all the frustration that has been building about … let me breathe before I vent …
I have worked so fucking hard and I still can’t by my mom the simplest, yet most precious present that costs only a few hundred rand. That’s it … that’s why I don’t wanna blog anymore … it’s because I’ve been telling this money story since before I even began blogging and I’m trying not to feel like a right royal failure for still not having a decent income after two years.
That’s the truth … that’s the reality … that’s why the blogging currently sucks … that’s why I have the Sunday blues like all hell!!!
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published May 21st, 2011All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I’ve been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don’t mean anything
When you’ve got no one to tell them to
It’s true…I was made for you
I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules
But baby I broke them all for you
Because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
You do
I was made for you
You see the smile that’s on my mouth
It’s hiding the words that don’t come out
And all of my friends who think that I’m blessed
They don’t know my head is a mess
No, they don’t know who I really am
And they don’t know what
I’ve been through like you do
And I was made for you…
All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I’ve been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don’t mean anything
When you’ve got no one to tell them to
It’s true…I was made for you
Sometimes I get a song in my head and I can’t let it go until I figure out why it’s there. You’ll be thrilled to know that I do listen to music other than Country. I usually stumble upon the song in some unusual way, like this one. The first time I heard it I was watching the Grey’s Anatomy episode that everyone was bitching about. I did plan to do a blog on how I couldn’t believe that people didn’t see the symbolism and think it was one of the best episodes ever. Okay, the singing wasn’t always great, but holy macaroni, they did choose the songs damn well. This one in particular …
Then my remote control for the satellite broke and I was no longer able to fast forward past crappy ads. Of course, I believe that everything happens for a reason (even if the reason is only to make you stop and realise that things happen for a reason, but that’s the only reason). Then there was this ad which used the same song and I felt haunted by it!
It’s timing is amazing!
I’m feeling lonely again. It happens in spurts and it’s one of those times again. I’ve had the usual situation where I was flirting with someone and he was being very forward, excited to meet me … blah, blah and straight after meeting he was offish (that’s code for damn fucking rude). I keep getting back to being mean to myself and blaming the fact that I’m not a size 2 … but then I get over it quick enough (for half a minute) and it goes back to thinking that changing things about me will bring someone into my life.
The ‘sense of humour’ part of ‘project me’ is the fine line between laughing at life and laughing AT life. Yes, that’s how fine the line is. At the moment it is a big laugh that I keep saying I’m turning 40 but it’s really 3 years away. Sometimes the laugh is to prevent me from putting blindfolds on and walking down the street to put me out of my misery at the loneliness I can feel at times.
On the other hand, I have a dear friend who would give anything to be more than just friends and I just don’t feel the chemistry! So, I don’t even have a leg to stand on when I think no man on the planet would like me, because here is this sweet, kind, gentle, loving, incredible, friendly, honest man who is standing right in front of me and … chemistry sucks!
Months a go I promised to write a blog about chemistry for Organic O, but seriously, I still don’t know how to put it into words. I don’t know to explain it because I think it’s quite inexplainable.
So, today was supposed to be the end of the world is some way or form and it’s not over yet, but I’m taking my chances that I will wake up on the 22nd. I did have a slight pang on concern that people’s worlds as they know it would change and that’s why I wasn’t surprised to get the call from my sister. She woke up and my brother in law’s side of his face looked as though he had a stroke. Off it was to the hospital and a day of taking care of my nephews … guess how I coped? Anyone … no? … Okay, I’ll tell you! I ate! You know the story! I know the story, but the story has to change.
On the night of #D500 I announced that I would begin ‘project body’ and I haven’t really done much about it besides asking my sponsor for the blog, Niel of SlimLab, to help me with an eating plan. It’s not a diet (he hate those). It’s an understanding of what a decent portion size is and what makes up a healthy meal … my brain and my body can’t figure that out on it’s own.
Then I decided to make this end of the world thing count for something and I’ve decided that I do have the ability to do things differently … so I will begin to tell the story of emotional eating, hating gym and then kicking myself for it therefore causing more emotional stress and eating something else. Climb on the hamster wheel with me, why don’t you!
To end the day … I’m making dinner with the friend who I am blessed to have but can only offer so much of myself. My brother-in-law has balspalsy … and I’m planning on listening to the same song for the 100th time today!
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published May 19th, 2011
Fantastic, another day of forgetting to blog and then rushing from one thing to the next. Yesterday a doctor friends said that in the medical profession you can only really count your success after you have been in practice for 1 000 days. It’s it ironic that he made such a statement when the last thing I feel like doing tonight is blogging.
You’ve all asked what happens on the days I don’t want to … so here it is!
I’ve sat the whole day trying to do quotes for socialising other people’s businesses (which is my passion) but I hate dealing with figuring out what to charge for each individual client. I come from the spa background where everything had a set price. A body massage was so much and a facial was so much. Cut and dry. No assessing what the person needs and evaluating my time. It stresses me out beyond belief. I am trying very hard to ‘project me’ myself right before going to my very dear friends for dinner … but I am frazzled.
It doesn’t help that the damn ‘A’ of my laptop keeps flying off after a sentence or two. That does make me put the brat down for a moment and say that I’m totally thrilled at the fact that a friend of Greggie’s and mine (God only knows if that is correct english … me/mine/I) spoke to his IT solutions guy and he’s more than happy to sponsor a laptop. There’s a dance of joy in there somewhere.
I now have to climb in the car and explain to my dearest business partner that he treats me exactly like my father used to. Not loving any of them any less … just don’t test me the whole time. My dad used to know how he wanted to word something and then he would let me type out a whole document and stand over my shoulder and correct spelling (yes … I’m a writer who sucks at spelling) and correct sentence structures. Greggie is the son of an English teacher … need I say more.
Today I told Greg that I’m missing my dad more than I have in a very long time. He told me that it’s because I’m doing so many new things and this is when anyone would need a father figure most of all. In so many ways Greg doesn’t allow for that co dependance of fathering but in another breathe, my father may as well have been alive and bugging the crap out of me while doing a quote that is supposed to be very exciting.
So I’m being a brat and I don’t care if I can’t leave for dinner on time … I’m getting this blog done. The only frustrating this is that it’s done …. with 10 minutes to spare and enough time to put on my lipstick!
PS … I didn’t tell you that a while back I committed to do work for a company for a certain amount of time (at no cost) to prove to them that social networking actually works. I’m now so pissed off at myself for thinking so little of me and my talents that I’m in this situation. On the other hand … I stick to my commitments and I’m in a state that I didn’t get to do as much networking as I would have liked! So truth be told … it’s not really aimed at the A that flies off the keyboard all the time, or my best friend and business partner that only trying to help me or the memory of my dad that would be saying “I told you so”.
It’s all aimed at me and ‘project me’ is supposed to fix it by telling my truth (hence the ratty blog), being conscious (hence the ratty blog) and doing something different (hence ending this blog, putting on lipstick and going out to see my friend). All in all, I didn’t fail as much as I feel I did and by tomorrow I will realise that I didn’t fail at all!
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published May 6th, 2011
The other day I put on my Blackberry messenger status that the only thing constant is change. Some people have positive affirmations, other people remind themselves to breathe and I churn the reality into my head … the only thing constant is change! It’s a common saying but to let it sink in has made a lot of my life liquid is the most positive of ways … in my opinion!
I remember having coffee with a friend years ago. I had started the novel, though of the childen’s book, dabbled in social networking and still owned the Spa and recruitment agency while announcing that Greg and I were considering partnership. Instead of praising me or supporting me he told me that I sound all over the place. A huge part of ‘project me’ has been to trust my personality and not allow other people’s perception of me change me. If I did that then the change would be so out of integrity and that would be a huge ‘project me’ fail.
In the last 24 hours I’ve had to chant ‘the only thing constant is change’ and almost do a little chanting dance to convince myself that I am equipped to trust the change.
It’s been on again, off again negotiation deals with business and one thing I’ve learned is that nothing is a deal until there are all the signatures on a dotted line. My dad was a big one for the loyal handshake but I don’t think times are the same anymore and the anticipation is biting at my nature a bit. So one moment I’m all systems go and the next I’m holding back for that pen to paper moment … but for some reason I know it’s worth fighting for.
At the same time I’m trying to organise ‘project me day 500′. What started out as the thought of a little gathering has grown into a sizable event with special guests, sponsors and media. All had fallen into place so nicely, besides the fact that Greg and my little sis spent hours fighting to get the invitation layout email friendly. The fight finally ended at some ridiculous hour and we called it a night without invites going out. Thank heavens because the venue have their own changes that they need to deal with and they can’t accommodate the function. So after this post goes live a new fight begins. The fight to make this day a success and the event that I know I deserve for each and every day put into this blog and this way of choosing to live.
My last fight is a difficult one to explain to the world unless you have ever had one of those friendships. One of those friendships that sometimes does you the most harm and isn’t fighting for at all and then the same friend emerges with a retaliation filled with patience, admittance of miscommunication and the willingness to give it their all. It’s like table tennis with The Jock and myself and friends can insert an eye roll here. But after the ‘fight’ last week, which he doesn’t consider a fight at all and after not pulling through for me in the way I think a friend should … he didn’t see it as a fight at all, but rather what friends go through. I can’t even say I had a leg to stand on because in reverse, this is what Twinkletoes and I went though. I was telling him that friends fight and then they say sorry and it’s acceptable so why don’t the same rules apply to The Jock? Maybe they do! Maybe they don’t … but an hour and a half phone call and truth and I’m sorry’s and I want to fight for this (on both sides) is something I believe in.
So boxing gloves on … then boxing gloves … and boxing gloves on again … because the only thing constant is change!
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published May 5th, 2011
Since I started blogging I’m very proud of the way I have managed to feel my way around things and get a grip on other things. I’ve been feeling around in the dark and learning the power of swapping favours and saying the right things at the right time … you know I’m talking about my wordpress blog, right?
Ok, there’s been a little feeling other things in the dark but that’s for a totally different converstation. Today it’s about the little things in life that are frustrating the hell out of me.
Here’s a reminder that I’m not in the positivity movement and don’t have to pretend that everything in life is peachy just in case I attract something negative while uttering my truth. I’m also not into thinking that speaking the frustrations makes me a miserable person. If anything, I admit my truths and do something about them!
How did this all come about? Well it’s a toss up between the “A” falling off of my keyboard this morning and it wobbling around while I type right now and the annoying call I keep getting from a certain guy who thinks sweeping things under the carpet works for me.
But most of all … it’s the SNL I can’t get rid of on my freaking blog. You can see it, right? It’s glaringly obvious, just under the Tweet button and it’s been there ever since I loaded the newest Facebook plugin. Don’t tell me to remove it because it took me ages to find a button that actually did what I want to do. Don’t tell me to get someone to help because I’m slowly learning that, no matter how much someone loves or cares about you, it’s always a mission to do that one little thing. Don’t tell me to pay someone because right now, it would have to go to the other kind of SNL as a payment exchange.
It’s always those little things that I end up wasting precious time over. So I’m annoyed. I’m annoyed that A’s pop off, SNL’s don’t go away and that friends and boys don’t think.
Friends don’t think that the only thing anyone wants is truth. Ok, all that I want is the truth. I don’t care about many other qualities besides that truth because my most valued asset is the power to choose and it’s impossible to choose from a lie.
The oldest line in the book is: “I didn’t want to hurt you!” The only thing that ever hurts someone is knowing that a friend lied to them. The truth does something different … it gives everyone the option to decide if they want to be hurt or not. So my friend kept something from me because he said he knew it would hurt me. It did hurt me but hearing via the grapevine pissed me off.
I’m this girl who truly doesn’t get the point of not just saying the truth. There really is no other option but what you really think or really mean … is there? Am I that naive?
You don’t even have to sit there and think it’s so easy for me because every day I fight things that could truly perpetuate lies. I’m tempted by someone who is in a relationship and that would make for another real SNL scenario, but this is always my benchmark in my life. If I can’t tell my best friend … and now, if I can’t blog about it, them I’m out of my integrity. Yes, I could tell my best friend that I was having an affair and we could both rationalise it that I’m single so I’m not the once cheating … but the bottom line for me is truth. If I can’t tell the truth at a party or I have to keep a secret in case the truth leaks out, then I just don’t do it. Oh … so I think I’ve spoken about boys and friends here.
Don’t lie to me and don’t make me lie … it’s as simple as that! And when I carry that around with me while trying to get A’s back on keyboards and SNL’s off wordpress blogs … well then the littlest thing just pisses me off!
PS … loving my day! Loving the sunshine on a winter morning! Loving me! Loving you! … So don’t anyone tell me to fix my attitude or think positive thoughts … ok? Good … seriously, I do love you!
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published May 2nd, 2011I have an interesting habit. No wait, I have two interesting habits. Firstly, I have the habit of needing to pee at least twice a night and my second habit is using the cellphone as a guiding light in the dark. While I’m there I check out what’s happening on Facebook and Twitter despite never commenting just in case someone asks what I’m doing awake at such an odd hours.
I read it on Facebook first. A status from a dear American blogging friend of mine who was singing the praises of the final triumph for America. I scrolled down until before the news broke and read a few innocent posts pre the death announcement. Twitter was abuzz with opinions, breaking news and pride that Twitter had broken the story.
My thoughts were random but the one that stuck out the most is that Google must be pretty bummed that it’s not the breaking source of news anymore.
Immediately I thought of Soldier Guy and the number of times I have seen a Facebook status honouring yet another friend he had lost in this fight. I then thought of another blogging friend who’s blog is entitled “the tales of an army wife”. I then thought of my dad and what he would have said if he were alive. No matter what, I know he would have cried. He would have thought about the moment when the heard that the first plane had hit the twin towers and he would have remembered the fear that struck him knowing his daughter was a few blocks away.
The Jock and I fought today. We fought because I agreed with someone who said that so many lives had been lost to get to this point. I think he didn’t agree with my tweet that said “You don’t stop a man or his mission by killing him.” He told me that he could see I wasn’t American by my comments and made me sound pretty damn heartless. Meanwhile I was lying in my bed with a hundred thoughts and responding to tweets of joy that this man had been stopped. I have worked hard to get to the beliefs that I have and all that I am proud of is that they are my own and I will not waiver from them. So when my beliefs are bought to questions my thoughts turn to the person who is questioning them and never to what I am thinking.
At about the time that Osama’s body was thrown out to sea, I was thinking that mother earth is unconditional and she wouldn’t mind taking him because I don’t blame no man wanting to have him. It must have been near that time that I was hoping the world understands that it is up to each one of us to take responsibility for our thoughts in order to never create a man like Osama again.
I watched my mother cry for the Americans today and she said the same thing that The Jock did … you won’t understand unless you are an American. Although I respect that statement I think that half the problems is that we have forgotten that we are all human being first and foremost. I did not have to lose someone in 911 to have lost. I did not have to fear for my life in order to fear and I did not have to be born in American in order to feel from the depths of my heart today.
I live by one rule: Harm to none! I lived it before I even understood it and whatever I do I ask myself if I would like the same done to me in return. Although I will never understand it, I respect that people think death is a punishment of sorts. I think living and suffering is far worse … but that’s a choice I decided to make my belief.
Every day is about ‘project me’ and that’s about living my truth and being conscious of the consequences. I am not here to change opinions or make people think differently. I’m just here to discover my own opinions and live with them. I cried for those who did in 911. I cried for soldiers who lost their lives. I was in Venice when the flags flew half mast for 6 soldiers who died … and although I did not know them and was only a visitor in their country … I cried!
I did not cry today!
I did laugh though … when my eleven year old nephew’s status read: “I bet he never thought he would be fish food?” … kids do say the darnedest things!
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published April 28th, 2011
When I first watched Julie and Julia, one of the scenes that struck me most was when Julie and her hubby had a fight and he warned her not to blog about it. “That’s pretty impossible for a personal blogger,” was my initial reaction. Then why am I finding myself not blogging in absolute and open truth at the moment?
Okay, so the past few days have been wafty and distracting excuses for a blog, but when I was outed by my dearest friend Nikki who happens to be a personal blogger herself (The Lunatic Cafe), I had some truth to tell.
I have some truth to tell …
I don’t quite know where to start because I don’t quite know what is going on with anything and I think that’s why I’ve been so vague.
Obviously the biggest concern is that I’ve been hinting at falling apart friendships and to settle everyone’s minds, it’s not Greggie. It has a lot to do with him too though because everyone seems to throw us in the communal pot and it highly pisses me off. Do you know how many times Greg has been invited to events and I have been shocked that I wasnt and then when he gets there the persons asks where I am because they assumed that he knew the invite was for both of us. Um … no … we are not a couple! We are best friend! Huge difference people!
So … when the fight happens between Greg and Twinkletoes, my books got returned and I got kicked off the friendship list too.
I can’t explain what happens when I’m pissed off. It’s this silent processing and in that moment I am evaluating how I have been treated and what I did to be treated so unfairly. It’s pretty impossible to evaluate anything when I didn’t actually do anything. So I’m upset! I’m pissed off and I’m confused. I’m mostly confused because now he’s carrying on as if nothing happened.
Of course I didn’t want to talk about this on the blog … but then I would have to admit that I don’t have the ability or balls to be a personal blogger … and I do! And I am!
Men … she got me on that one too! I honestly don’t know what to say here either. A part of ‘project me’ is acknowledging that there is a natural part of myself that has flirt written all over it. I do know, however, that I have a different kind of flirt if I like someone and it’s pretty hard not to miss.
First it was Inked guy who was chatting to me nearly every day (for hours) … with sms’s of “have a beautiful day” and “sweet dream” and when dinner had been put off for the 5 or 6th time and I called to say “that’s it … let’s set a dinner date!”, I never heard from him again.
Wait there’s more … There’s the Prince who was so sweet and charming and making it very clear to everyone in the room that there was a ‘spark’ with “hello’s” here, there and everywhere on Skype and then all of a sudden … nothing! Well sort of nothing. Now I hear nothing more than his single life and his very vague hints at shagging other people.
No, you won’t believe it … there’s more! Mr Tweet (I have never, ever found a flirt on Twitter before) starts getting very chatty and finally says that Twitter isn’t the place. We hook up on Blackberry chat and Skype and messages are back and forth like a tennis final. He suggests on the Thursday that we meet on Saturday and when I ask for a time … I only hear from him again on Sunday! Like nothing happened! Then it goes back to “I hope to get to know you better” and … of crap … did you really have to ask about men?
I can’t really say much about work until I have settled a few things with the offers on the table, but that’s an acceptable secret I hope. It does seem that my career path is on it’s own mission and I’m slowly being guided to do what I love the most … blogging and social networking! Hold thumbs …. I really want this one.
Oh … and I haven’t posted pics of the new house because every person who offers to help hand up pictures and light fittings just doesn’t bother to materialise and I don’t want to show you until it’s all sorted … but I am frustrated with it all, that’s the truth.
I hope there are no secrets left un-spilled!
This hasn’t been easy, of course … but it has been true!
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published March 15th, 2011
My skin’s gone a little south from stress and a little too much of the unhealthy yet comforting food. I have fallen off the enthusiasm bus of my daily walks. I have forgotten all I taught myself about eating consciously.
I haven’t meditated for entire time I have lived with my mom. I have done one moon ritual and cleaned my crystals maybe twice.
Of all the emotions I feel, fear is at the top of the list. It’s only one fear. The fear that these parts of me will never find balance and I will spend my life starting and stopping my routines, rituals and even my beliefs. Yes … sometimes my very foundation of belief falls by the wayside.
Yesterday was Monday. No matter what happens, Greggie and I go out for lunch on a Monday. No matter how stressful, financially strapped or miserable the moment … we always have our Monday.
Just over ten years ago My Hero died. At that time I had a very special connection to a Rabbi who was my teacher. He taught me a morning prayer and I adapted it to suit my beliefs. In the beginning I might have forgotten a few times and it took a while to decide the exact wording and timing, but for 10 years, no matter what, I say that morning prayer.
After going to Dan Hugo for body stress release therapy after I injured my back, he showed me morning exercises. He explained to me how they needed to be done first thing in the morning before I even got out of bed. No matter how I wake up feeling. No matter the fact that I can’t drag myself to gym. No matter what … I do those core exercises every single morning.
It’s easy for me to list the things that I let myself down with. And I know there has been a lot about this over the past few weeks, but admitting the truth is one of the toughest gifts we can ever give ourselves. Then … all of a sudden … there is that moment where the light shines through all the truths that had to be heard. My light where the things I started to notice I do … no matter what.
Some of those are beliefs, some of them are routine and some of them are ritual. The very things I fear I will never master in other areas of my life.
Currently, I am living on a construction site and half of my family home is packed up in boxes. Every day we get rid of another thing that belonged to my father. I am overwhelmed with excitement to have my own room and set up my alter after nearly 2 years. Do you think I could cut myself some slack?
I haven’t been and I wouldn’t have unless I hadn’t of woken up this morning and thought: “It’s Tuesday and no matter what, I have my Tuesday plans.” No matter what, my mom, Greggie and I meet on a Tuesday. We speak our realisations of the week that has passed, (I usually cry) and we help each other find the good, the conscious and the brave in the days gone by.
Moving is stressful and I am only beginning to realise just how powerful that realisation is. So, I’ve dragged myself into a little girl comfort zone while I wait to be settled into my new and sacred space. But one thing I never have to worry about is that, no matter what, I WILL always do what is best for me. No matter what, I have routine and ritual that I have sustained for over a decade. Those very routines that I never had before and that I will never live without after.
It’s amazing the gift you give yourself when you look back and see just how far you have come. Don’t believe them when they say ‘never look back’ because, no matter what, there are gift waiting to become your pillar of strength from the realisations of yesterday.
PS … that’s going in the ‘project me’ manual!!
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published March 14th, 2011
I can hardly even concentrate, but I’m dragging myself through this blog. I made a choice to tell my life story, so here it is. While I am sitting with all my dramas about feeling fat, hating gym and worries about having to explain my every choice to people around me, I’m waiting to get a call from the vet. I’m waiting for the vet to tell me why my little and oh so precious kitten is having HIV and Leukemia tests.
So this is my life happening in real time and it’s not the greatest way to start a Monday. It’s especially not fantastic after a weekend of continuous voices pounding away in my head. No, not an array of Cybil voices. They are just my own – The nasty ego voice and the rational soul voice. Oh, there could be a guided voice or two that I seem to ignore most of all.
Of course I know why I’m ignoring them!! It’s because they keep shoving this image of the tarot hanged man in my face. As tarot cards go … I seem to hate this one! Well, who wouldn’t? It tells you to stand in your truth and do things your way no matter what the world might think of you, say or do to you!
Don’t be fooled by the ‘positivity movement’! It’s so easy to think all the happy thoughts in the world, but to stand in your truth and do it truly is much more difficult. I even find myself battling to blog this because I know I’m going to get the positivity lecture, yet the reality is undeniable … to stand up in one’s truth is the ultimate of life’s challenges.
For starters, it’s even difficult to distinguish the truth behind all of the noises of the world. It’s simple things that I battle with, but none the less they are monstrous to me.
I’ve never claimed to be on the positivity bus, but none of the chaos that I go through is any form of a pity party. The fears, obstacles and trial that I face are extremely real. I wouldn’t have a career if it were not for the reality that things are easier said than done. I wouldn’t have this blog if everyone simply told themselves the truth and never repeated a pattern a day in their lives. But life doesn’t work that way and we are all trying to figure out how ….
How do I live consciously? How do I overcome my fears? How do I ensure I never make the same mistake again? How do I face the truth and not sweep it under the carpet?
Winston Churchill once said: “If you’re going through hell, keep going!” I’m not sure what that means just yet … but I do pride myself in the reality that I do keep going, even when it feels like the burning depths of hell.
I have just gotten off the phone from Greggie, who gave me an analogy that I really needed to hear. He told me that when we climb a mountain there are still little hill that we have to go over and on those downhills, we are still working our way up that mountain. If I have my first instincts right, I go back down to the bottom of the mountain every time I have an obstacle. I feel as though I have achieved nothing and that I need to begin all over again.
What’s all this encrypted confusion about? Well, it’s about food and exercise … yet again!!
I’m still on the SlimLab and it’s certainly helping me curve the cravings and balance the sugars, however, when it was weight-in day I had picked up nearly 3 kg’s! Well didn’t that just fuel the shame, considering that I have been going to gym and walking nearly every day and I had introduced carbs back into my life after tossing them out for the wedding. I set myself right back to the place of not knowing my body or myself and I tossed the idea of being healthy all together. Instead of going down a little hill and carrying on up the mountain, I rolled over and tumbled all the way to the bottom again. … That’s addiction for you!
So I feel as though I’ve been battered and bruised, but once again, I know that speaking my truth to Greggie and then to the world is a big part of overcoming the scary space I find myself in. I also know that there are many people out there who I can empathise with and that’s why I need to express it in the blog. I know … I know so much … but doing something about it is truly easier said than done.
So if you are reading this and you can relate … cut yourself some slack and be a little kind to yourself. That’s all the advice I can give your right now because it’s the only thing I know to do for me at this moment too.
PS … The vet just called and Saphirah does have a low immune system but it’s not leukemia or HIV!! I can’t tell you how relieved I am! So it’s wet food at night and a little monitoring and she’ll be just fine 
What a day and it’s only 11am!
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published March 13th, 2011
It’s easy to hide from someone else, but absolutely impossible to hid from myself. Or is that true?
I can count on my fingers the amount of times I haven’t felt like blogging but today I could just hide away from all of this. Hide away from making my life public and from trying to stand out in the world.
The reality hit me at about lunchtime yesterday … I do have the ability to sabotage my happiness. I do know how to leave myself alone and my highest potential alone and so man more of you!
Thank heavens for ADDICTION!
Mine might not be alcohol or drugs … maybe it’s better, maybe it’s worse … but yesterday I realised that it’s time to be different.
No … not do something different, but to BE different because my different is the thing I’m most afraid of.
I went to want Greggie sing last night (that might be a little secret, but one day I’ll post a video … with his permission of course) and it was a little concert in a church with one incredible singing teacher’s students. Some were brilliant and some weren’t so good but no matter what, they all sang.
Except … there was one little girl who got too afraid and pulled out of singing. She’s the one I focused on most of all. Afterward neither Greg nor my mom said they noticed her … yet my heart broke for her. Somehow I knew that feeling and (without being to mean to myself) I understood having a beautiful talent but being too afraid to show it and then wishing I could. I knew half her tears were relief and the other half would always be regret.
Somehow I can’t put that moment down and I know that I’m hiding my talent from the world. My very talent is the lesson of teaching the world that you can stand as an individual. I’m addicted to fitting in because of the fear of being different … that’s gonna take some explaining but today I’m that petrified of that statement that it’s left me a little shaken … so shaken that I slept until 11:30 today!
But here’s the truth. I don’t know where to begin and I’m already feeling ashamed because I want to start explaining myself heaven forbid the ‘positivity generation’ read this post and tell me to pull myself together or chin up or get over myself.
Truth first …
But for today I know I’m going to go right back to my addiction … I will fit in with the world of what I eat to not be difficult, what to say as to not cause and upset and what to do as to not look to out of place in the world!
Don’t all addicts say it … “I’ll just do it for one more day!”
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
