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Published June 16th, 2011
It really is a choice and I woke up having to make one!
I’ll go into all the finer details of today’s ‘project body’ weigh-in on Sunday, but today is about my attitude more than my activities. I don’t have a tattoo on my back for nothing. It’s not symbol of the goddess holding the moon for nothing either. Everyone always asks me which goddess and I usually stutter in avoidance of having to explain myself, but the explanation is beautiful.
I have been meditating for years (in spurts) and still have to live what I teach when it comes to that point. It was pointed out to me by Greggie during our Tuesday night pow wow. I’m the teacher who reiterates how important it is to push through on what you know is good for you when times are tough, yet I totally suck at it. The first thing I always give up when the wheels start to fall off is my meditations, tantra and goddess work. I’ve made every excuse in the book and mostly blame not living on my own even though I consciously chose to move with my mom … so that excuse is just another excuse.
I’m sure it’s no news to you when I say that we all avoid what will give us the most confidence or power because then it makes up have to stand up and do something. I find that confidence and power in the combination of my meditaiton, tantra, dragon rituals and goddess work.
Last night’s full, eclipsing moon gave me the biggest slap on the back of the head and I must have come across as totally disconnected during dinner with friends last night. I couldn’t believe it! I couldn’t believe that a few years ago I would have had a totally different experience and last night I half acknowledged the moon. I was aware that there would be an eclipse and before I would have had a whole evening planned. The dinner wouldn’t have even interfered. It would have involved a special moonlight bath with my moonlight soap, candles, incense and meditation. I thought about it but just let it pass like all the other full, new and quarterly moons.
Only when the edge of the moon started to turn a blackish red did every part of my being yearn for something that is so a part of my life. We say that we can’t believe someone wouldn’t give up an addiction for someone they love … well I could totally relate last night. Not being able to face doing something that has been the foundation of my beliefs and the way I live my life, was a massive wake up call last night.
Miraculously, I woke up with a very ready attitude. I can’t even explain it but it just felt like the familiar me. As if no time passed at all, I did my meditation, burned the incense, said my thanks to the goddess and received a message from a dragon. I did thinks I haven’t done since I moved back home with my mom and I have no idea why I just couldn’t bring myself to do them. Another thing that Greggie is trying to show me is to let something go and not be so hard on myself …. So I’m not going to even try and work out why it took so long. All I know is that it’s back … that part of me that I know makes me feel most powerful is back!
Talking about backs … I would like to introduce you to the goddess that holds the moon on my back. Years ago I went through a rough time that literally made me not care about myself at all. I finally took a few steps to heal and found a teacher (well she found me) who taught me so much of what I know. One of my greatest journeys with her was through meditation where I went on a journey to meet my Higher Self. For the longest time all I ever saw was a faceless woman all covered in black who was hunched over and old … not a very pretty sight for a Higher Self. For almost a year I couldn’t see anything more than this faceless old hag. Then something changed … within me! I started the journey of tantra (self tantra to be exact) and started exploring goddess work. Slowly the meditations became more intense and the woman started to change. To cut a very beautiful and long story short … eventually the most magical of energies emerged (yes, this can all take place in meditation if you choose to make it alive and real) and one day she told me her name … Leonette!! She has never left my side … even in the times when I ignore her most of all!
Hence … this day and this post is step one of getting over myself!
PS … tomorrow is day one of water aerobics and I’m pooping myself but doing it anyway! I can’t wait to introduce you to Patrick on Sunday. I also can’t say I’m thrilled to post the weight, body fat percentage and whatever else Patricks measure and calculates … but that’s yet another step of seriously having to get over myself!
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published March 7th, 2011I can’t even think of a picture for today’s blog. I didn’t think I would be this exhausted but I’m sure it’s the relief.
It was one of those days that was all planned out with something I have been looking forward to for months. Between the seconds that Greg answered his cellphone and passed it to me with a hint of concern in his voice, my blood turned cold. Between the seconds that my mother said “he is alright, but …” countless fears raced through my mind.
My 5 year old nephew was hit by a car.
Because the toughest lesson in ‘project me’ is making everything about me, I’ll cut through the drama and say that my brave little nephew is fine and coming home in a few hours. There are countless miracles, like the fact that the accident happened in a cul-de-sac so the car was going extremely slowly and that my sister was at a party with friends who all jumped in to help her through the initial moments while ambulances arrived. She said there was a friends husband counting every minute and telling her how far the ambulance was, so the 5 minutes it took wasn’t really the 30 minutes she felt it was.
He has no broken bones and is only complaining of a sore hand. He looks as though he went 10 rounds in a street fight and he was kept overnight for observation but woke up with all symptom normal.
As for me, I also feel as though I have gone ten rounds in a fight, but it’s all been internal battles.
When Greggie met me, everything in my life was a hysterical drama and I couldn’t cope with anything that life sent me. I literally used to crumble into a heap and things would be so chaotic that no one could determine how bad the problem really was. Years of ‘project me’ … consciousness, facing my fears, telling the truth and realising my ability to cope with life, has bought me to the point of handling fear in a much more rational manner.
Yesterday was one of the biggest tests of how far I have come. Logic kicked in and so did the realisation that life will take its course and I will be able to choose from there. But there was nothing I could do until I had more information of was there to see my nephew for myself.
I still had to choose between carrying on the plans with my friends or going to the hospital. The only reason why I considered still seeing a concert I have been waiting to see for months is because you never quite know the extent of the crisis in my family. I say that with love, but for ages you sit with no information at all and after my mom said he was fine but … I decided to rather take it one second at a time.
I chose my family … but that’s a given.
One thing I can say is that we all pull together in times of need. We never leave each other’s side, but the same old family issues bubble under. My ‘project me’ moment was dealing with them instead of carrying both fear and frustration round with me on such an uncertain day. I can’t express how big a moment it was to finally have the courage to speak with conviction and not cause a family feud.
I did burst out crying after, but that felt good to.
I don’t want children. I say it often. It’s moments like yesterday, where I see the fear in my big sister’s eyes and this fragile little boy lying in a hospital bed that I admit to myself that I’m not cut out for it this time around. I salute every mommy and daddy and grandparent out there … but not me! My big sis even passed a giggling comment confirming that this was the final ‘not for me’ straw. She’s so right. It’s still another ‘project me’ moment despite it not being what people might understand. I have had dozens of people telling me it’s the greatest gift you can give yourself and you can’t go through life not being a parent. But yesterday I had moments of greatest gifts. Every day I have moments of greatest gifts.
I’m not a ‘what if’ girl! Neither am I a ‘it could have been’ girl. I don’t hash different scenarios in my head. He might have died, he could have been paralised … no, no … there’s no place for that in ‘project me’! It is what it is! There is enough to be grateful for without having to be grateful for all that did not happen. For some reason, this realisation did something very important within me.
I’ve blogged about it before, but in these moments I always get my mother’s most focused attention and simply say “Psalm 91″. The story is long but its impactful enough for me to have traced different patterns on writing on my arm for the tattoo that is simply going to say ‘psalm 91′! Without any could have’s or should have’s … yesterday I witnessed a miracle.
Actually … what moment in life isn’t a miracle?
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published February 11th, 2011
It’s not far off from the truth. By the time I closed my eyes to sleep I had to convince myself that I wasn’t having a mini heart attack and it was most probably my heart’s relief that the day was done. It’s like a marathon of events so let’s start at the beginning and hope I don’t pass out just rethinking about it.
It was big change hair colour day. It took like 3 hours and three different colour applications, including a whopping bill that left me with a pang of regret. Luckily I had Hustler Girl by my side the whole time and her encouraging “Holy #@#% that’s so much better, Jo!” sorted my silly money issues out soon enough. There are some thing that are worth every penny and this was surely one of them.
We had time to kill and Hustler Girl has a friend with an awesome restaurant so while walking out the door my little sis arrives and we all decide to go to lunch together. There are healthy salad and semi healthy wraps written all over the menu, but when Hustler Girls asks restaurant owner dude what we should try he points us in the direction of juicy hamburger and very juice steak sandwich. Let it be stated that Hustler Girl is a horrid influence and has led me down the path of the devil once again, but my goodness, was it scrumptious.
That’s not the kicker … the fun part was returning home after a little shopping and moaning about the excessive food only to be asked by my little sis and her husband to be if I could stand in as bridesmaid for her friend who opted out (yes, these things really do happen) at the last moment. It’s an honour and my little sis and I have come a long way over the past few months, but all I could think of was “Bitch, you watched me at that hamburger and knew you were gonna ask me!” I love what I’m wearing, but I am trying not to have an obsessive two days of eating a carrot stick only when I’m about to faint. Luckily the thoughts may linger but it’s not in my nature.
The irony is that I wasn’t involved in the wedding at all. The romantic part of me didn’t want to see my sister’s dress or anything to do with the wedding seeing as though I wasn’t in the retinue. The other part of me wanted to avoid all the chaos of the day and just arrive as guest. Now I’m getting dressed with the family, arriving with the bride, walking down the isle and doing the speech in place of the best man who failed to be able to make it either. I did say my family life is eventful, didn’t I?
Behind the scenes my blog has been a nightmare and I threatened my hosting company that I would start tweeting horrid things and blogging about them if they didn’t sort their act out. So it was apologies, phone calls and swapping of servers. Thanks to all the events and passing the time at the hairdresser by playing games of the Blackberry, my mobile went flat. Yes, Hustler Girl had to tell me that staring at the dead screen wasn’t going to be very productive, but what does a girl do if not hold her phone all the time.
I was also holding the phone because I seem to be thoroughly enjoying my time talking to the guy (who Hustler Girl has named as Inked Dude) who my friend is trying to set me up with. There are sporadic sms’s through the day and with all the madness it’s been wildly refreshing. Yes, the mean part of me keeps saying to enjoy it while it lasts because we know my history with men.
On the subject of men, The Jock called to say he didn’t like my hair. Which is code for ‘hot damn girl!’. He is my reminder that I can make that lasting impression, which is where most of my friends could kick me in the teeth. I’m still on the path to not needing those reminders of the impression I can make.
My dearest friend bought her and me matching tea cups! They say ‘pretty princess’ and it means the world to me. Without even knowing it, she kept me calm most of the day and especially helped with the build up to having to see the family who have arrived for the wedding from overseas. I have no shame about any choice I have ever made, but I was apprehensive about having to explain my tattoo being the Jewish girl and all. Hustler Girl kept talking me through it and reminded me that this is me and I don’t have to explain myself to anyone. Well, I did in the end. Of course I got asked, but I handled it super well. I even used the words Goddess, Pagan, Moon rituals and my beliefs and I took it as a sign that it was a good enough answer when the subject swiftly changed.
It was such a hectic day that I didn’t get to speak to Greggie at all … on the day that it would have been great to have his sound advice. But in the end everything works out as it should and I had time to put it all into perspective and tell myself that life sure is that roller coaster he always tells me it is … now to enjoy the ride for the next few days.
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published December 15th, 2010
The traditional maypole of Pagan descent.
I’ve done a little bit too much sitting at the computer today but the temptation was too much to resist. Firstly, I know that we are heading to silly season and less people are going to be online and opting to read blogs over drinking eggnog and eating turkey. Secondly, everyone is going on holiday and won’t be online to talk to as much. Considering that I have done my seaside holiday and I don’t get a holiday away from a commitment to daily blogging. I decided to indulge in both blogging and chatting today.
Granted, I did have to take an anti-inflammatory for the first time in nearly a month, but I’m also coughing like a … um, what do you cough like? Continue reading
Published October 26th, 2010Although I am very conscious of not planning my healing too much, I have to confess that today was a much anticipated and calculated turning point in my healing. I have been taking anti-inflammatories for just over a month now and have popped a pill at 9am with a little too much blind faith.
I don’t really understand what it’s doing and certainly don’t know how my body feels without the medication but today was my third body stress release treatment and I wanted to see Dan without having taken a tablet for 24 hours. Continue reading
Published October 7th, 2010It’s not only me freaking out about this questions. Can you believe that it’s been googled 53 million times. I kid you not … here’s proof: When is it going to rain?
Facebook and Twitter statuses have been teasing and taunting me all freaking day and the worst part is that some people in different parts of Joburg were boasting about dancing in the rain. I’m the dancing in the rain girl. Continue reading
Published August 2nd, 2010
Garfield is my favourite character and of all the moments I remember about his lazy ass character, I remember the day he tried to get away from Monday so he posted himself off to another country. What do you know, thanks to the time difference and his pathetic attempt at running away from his Monday issue, he had two Mondays in a row.
I seemed to have manifested one of those Garfield Mondays. I’m not even relating it to wishing the weekend was any longer because I was in total workaholic mode and did nothing social what-so-ever. Continue reading
Published July 28th, 2010Today literally feels like 3 days in one, but then again this year feels like it should have been spread over at least 3 years and it’s just over half way.
My morning began with needing to get my totally non punctual mother to my permanent make-up appointment on time. She was having a facial while I was having ink seeped into my eyelids by a fine needle and a buzzing machine. Does that sound painful enough? I hate being late. It does something to my blood and it is only perpetuated at the thought of having my eyes tattooed. I could feel my blood boiling inside, only for my precious mother to tell me that I’m driving like Michael Schumacher. Parents!! Continue reading
dreams, friends, Greggie, Jodene, Project Me, sex, social networking, soul, tattoo, teaching, thava, twitter, workaholic, writing | 
7 CommentsPublished July 27th, 2010
Pretty but impractical vs Dud gay best friend
If you ask Greggie his first impression of me when we met he’ll say he thought I was a drama queen, which is so cheap coming from a queen. Granted, it’s difficult to tell that Greggie is gay unless you have brilliant gaydar or are in close proximity of a Shirley Bassey song. I know I’ve said it before, but my image of the perfect gay guy/straight girl friendship was Will and Grace. Just remove the totally codependent, inability to tell each other the truth and very much dysfunctional and totally unhealthy friendship, Greggie and I are pretty much Will and Grace.
Greggie calls me pretty but impractical and I refer to him as my dud gay best friend. Continue reading
Published July 23rd, 2010All a girl really needs to do is vent a little.
There is something very healing in throwing all the toys out the cot and then kicking them around a little before throwing them against walls and maybe aiming at a head or two that seems to calm the insanity.
So much for thinking that I wasn’t as conscious and ‘fixed’ as I really am. I mean really … what part of me still works all hours of the night and has to prove something to myself or my best friend and most amazing business partner? Continue reading
