Project Me

For a girl who hates having my picture taken, I sure have been in front of the camera a lot. I think it’s a combination of not shaking off the old issues that I carry and holding on a little too tight onto what I know I have the potential to look like in front of the camera.

It’s such a fine line between what I’m trying to explain to the world and what I know I mean. To make it worse, I am having one of the most most frustrating day I have had in a very long time. Bless my mother and Greggie who have decided I’m feeling like this because it’s an anti-climax after Sunday. Double bless them for thinking that saying silly things and trying to make me laugh is going to lighten the mood at all, but it’s nearly the end of the day and I haven’t had a moment to breathe and find time to do this blog. On top of it … it’s a tough blog that I have been dreading a little (okay, a lot!)

I am trying to adjust to the fact that look stunning as I am, but still know that my body has so much more potential. I’m also trying to give one incredible photographer the thanks that I have never, ever been able to give another photographer in my entire life. At the same time I still battle to explain myself fully without getting comments that I must get over myself and I’m pretty or someone will love me as I am.

This is the reason why I blog and why ‘project me’ has to be thought out and expressed at the end of every day, because I battle so much to explain me to me that I wonder how the rest of the world would possibly understand the space I get into around photographs.

I know I’m pretty … fact!
I know my personality shines through every picture that is taken of me … fact!
I know there are facial and body things that will never change unless I am plucked and tucked more than Cher … fact!

I also know that I have come a long way in losing well over 20kilos since the birth of my project me journey with myself.
I am not fixated on weight and I’m not overweight because I am unhappy. That’s always falls into the spiritual analysis of reasons why people carry weight. I’m the happiest girl I know. I’m the luckiest girl I know and I couldn’t ask for anything in my life to be more than what it is at this very moment.

On the other hand, I know that it’s perfection now slowly paves the way for more and more of my potential to blossom and what I am trying to achieve won’t be hindered if I never lose another ounce or put on a whole lot … or become as skinny as Twiggy!

My journey with my body has to with a little birthing issue. Had I been born at any other time I would not be the fabulous Libran I am, but had I not been the Libran I would not have the balance issues I have.
That’s literal too … I can’t do that posture thing where I balance on one leg and I have a lot of core strength issues to sort out after me back.
My gorgeous best friend loves having his picture taken and he’s a comfie tart in front of the camera … hence the happy Lifeology business shots that he intends to splash all over our website. While I adjusted my hair a dozen times before each shot and had no clue how to stand, he was happily being snapped away by Pat. On the other hand, it was amazing to watch Pat work and I could see that he understood all my concerns before taking each picture.

Back to balance before I go on about why I agreed to this sponsorship of a photographer who intends to take pics of my life in progress over the months that are to follow.

When I gym, I usually go to the extreme and injure myself so that I can’t train for months.
When I try go onto an eating plan I usually go so extreme that I make it impossible to adapt to a normal social environment.

Balance is something I have no idea how to relate to. I don’t know what is enough for me, when it is time to stop and when it is time to give me all. At the beginning of ‘project me’ I was a confessed recovering workaholic for those very reasons and it took being bed-ridden for months to get over myself. To be honest, there are glimmers of psychotic working days but I always have my best friend helping me see when enough is enough.

Now it’s time to tackle food and exercise in the same vein. I have been so grateful for the Slimlab sponsorship and the support of Niel to help me deal with the cravings and the constant remind that balance is key. It’s so easy in theory, but to put it into practice has been a daunting challenge for me.

Then one day I got a phone call from a photographer who thought I was sensual enough to offer a boudoir shoot to. I’m a big advocate for finding ways for woman to feel good about themselves and enhance their sexuality and sensuality in order to build the worth enough to reach the goals. Long winded sentence, I know … but I don’t believe that anyone should be out of balance or integrity with their bodies. I also believe that we each know what happy and healthy and sexy means to us. I have the happy and the sexy, but the healthy needs works. So Pat offered me a sensual photo shoot through his business Skyetor Photography which I will be planning in the next month or two.

Before he could even get me to agree to the possibility of sexy, sensual shots of a partially naked body, he had to get me comfortable in front of the camera. I was a miserable bitch on the day of this shoot, until he took the time to listen to my concerns and set up the studio and his angle of shots to make me feel comfortable. None of these shots are even too tampered with. He didn’t photoshop me thinner or take away my freckles … that wouldn’t be project me or worth his sponsorship … instead … he made me feel beautiful by working with what he had … the truth of who I am and a touch of lighting.

It doesn’t feel like the day to announce it because it obviously scares the crap out of me … but Pat and this incredible sponsorship are going to photography my new ‘project me’ journey called ‘project body’! It’s going to be stuff I have dodged talking about in the 500 days that have passed. It’s going to deal with what it’s like to binge, crave, doubt what I choose to eat, how I manage to avoid exercise and … blah … blah … all while being kind enough to myself to be my own best friend!

The timing is perfect … the support is unwavering  … the audience is loving enough … and the body is ready!

Now take a moment to tell my Greggie how absolutely gorgeous he is …

With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour