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Published March 23rd, 2011
If I could pick an easier route at times, I think I would jump at the opportunity. That moment always ends up being fleeting when I realise how much I would have missed out on had I changed one moment of my life.
It’s been 15 months of blogging but it’s been 7 years since I started my personal ‘project me’ … but before that it was Jodene living very unconsciously. I remember sitting with my ‘spiritual’ teacher and telling her that I wished I had unlearned all that she had taught me. My family home and business had just burned down, family issues had be ripped open like a can of worms and I looked at myself in the mirror for the first time in years only to see the damage I had done to myself. Over the last few days I have felt like that again … wishing I could shove the lid back on the journey I have consciously chosen to live.
While I was flying down to Cape Town last week, I sat next to a gentleman who had done the same metaphysics course as I did many years ago. It clearly didn’t serve him very well because he was proving how the ‘law of attraction’ doesn’t work. He said that if it did I should be a very rich lady by now and clearly I wasn’t. Similarly, yesterday I was asked why I only had 16 people at my talk in Cape Town if I believed so much in the power of social networking.
At time when my life is literally in turmoil and my family is going through the hardest thing next to my father’s passing, I have been faced with some interesting additional challenges. Surely by now life should be running smoothly? Isn’t that the impression of manifestation? That because I teach about manifestation I should be manifesting left, right and center? If I teach about sex then I should be sexually fulfilled every spare moment I have (and still finding time to sneak out for a shag between meetings)? If I teach about self worth and self esteem that I should have lost all the weight and been married with a perfect little life by now?
Is that who the world chooses to listen to? Those who make it all sound so easy and show you the pretty picture at the end of the long and winding yellow brick road that they have traveled?
Has anyone wondered why Charlie Sheen is getting the attention he is currently getting? Has anyone stopped to watch what the world is craving? Maybe it’s just me, but there are more people out there who are struggling to manifest those realities than those who have done an affirmation and ‘whoop there it is’! People are lapping up the madness and the chaos. So many of us live in chaos that if we can have confirmation that someone else is so much more far removed from reality, that we will be ok! I remember wanting a friend of mine to do one of my courses and he told me that only those who write the books on self help get rich and they only got rich because they wrote the book. I’m not agreeing with him, but I am agreeing that we all stare outwards to find the answers.
In my chaos, do you not think that I have tried to turn to every outside source I possibly could? I wish I could show you a glimmer of the frustration of waking up in the morning with the promise to have a healthy eating day and then ending it in chaos because I have no idea what healthy means to me. Should I shut down this blog and retract myself from the role of teacher because I am still amidst the chaos?
My answer is no! My realisation is that anyone who is striving to live life without the chaos has this journey very wrong. Of course there are issues that I want so badly to put to rest, but I don’t know how much I have to learn about myself before I get there. I don’t know my greatness but I know I’m great and if I need to hit rock bottom (with the whole world watching) then that is what I have chosen to do.
This space isn’t rosy right now! I have cried so much in the last few days that I can’t even put my contact lenses in my eyes. I have to sell stuff to buy a bed for my new home that I am still sharing with my mother.
Have I failed at manifestation??? Hell no!!!!
There is not one moment of this journey that I would have given up on. There is no part of me that doubts my ability and my success. I have never felt as though I have stepped off the magical journey of my yellow brick road and there has NEVER been a part of me that has wanted to quit … alright, Saturday was a bit of a quitting day, but bowl of popcorn, a cup of tea and a precious mother pulled me through.
The more I experience of ‘project me’ and the more I wonder to myself what great lessons I need to share with the world, the more I realise that I just have to keep telling the truth. I don’t have to plan seminars or wait for my first book to be published or have a Ferrari in my driveway to be the voice of manifestation.
There is no quick fix! There is no single right way! There is no formula but the one you create for yourself! There is no escaping the magical chaos of life and there is no punishment in that chaos either.
I might lose a sponsor today because I haven’t managed to keep up the positivity movement. I have fallen off the wagon, but I am still on the yellow brick road. I do enough beating up of myself and choose not to face the wrath of anyone else’s judgement, but I also understand that if the world is driven by positive results and constant success without the allowance of the odd stumble off the wagon, that I might not be able to sustain the ride. Sadly, I believe in the very thing that might be taken away from me (or I might give up) but I also realise that I don’t have the ability to do things the way they are being asked of me right now and that’s not fair of me. Right now, if I don’t allow myself to be kind to myself and if I put on rose coloured glasses, I will do more damage than good. Half of the self help books in the world might disagree with me right now … but only I know me.
I know this has been a long post, but I have so needed to hear myself say this and I thank you for listening and sharing my journey with me.
Today I am packing up my dad’s office! Of all the spaces in the house, this one is the most heart wrenching. I don’t know what it’s going to do today but chances are that I will choose to end it with an overly indulgent meal that I will cook for some very special people in my life and I will shed another few tears along the way.
In all these thousands of words, this is what I’m trying to say about living a ‘project me’ life: No matter what, I get up every single day and I tell myself the truth. I honour my emotions, I speak my fears and I watch myself do a little damage with food or hold out for the wrong guy to call me. Every single day I still do one little thing that scares me and sometimes those little things are as small as saying ‘no’ to an arrangement that I choose not to attend. No excuses and no lies! Every single day I am grateful for all that I have and all that I have the ability to have … but most of all … every single day, I take responsibility for exactly where I am and what I do or don’t have!
For that, I am most proud and I thank each and every one of you for sticking with me when I walk tall and when I fall down. It is an honour to have your yellow brick road right beside mine!
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published February 18th, 2011
Nothing …
I miss teaching terribly. I realised last night, after my self discovery group with a few old students, that I’m going crazy without teaching. I’ve blamed money for my frustration for a while now but the realisation is that I’m not being me and it’s chewing away at my self esteem.
So this is it … I’m slipping into my mode of greatest existence and I’m sharing a lesson with you that I have been reminding myself of a lot over the past few days.
Do you know that there is a difference between self worth and self esteem?
Imagine a tree with its roots planted firmly in the ground. The greater the need for stability according to the environment that the tree has to endure, the greater the root.
Firm within the earth the roots grow until they know that nothing will pull it from the ground, which is directly related to our self worth. It is the deep knowing of who we are. It is the unwavering strength, courage, self love, fearlessness and determination to survive. He all have it and that is what makes us all that powerful.
Above the ground is the trunk, branches and leaves of that very firmly planted tree. The storms, winds and beating sun may cause extreme chaos for the parts of the tree that are above the earth. Storms may be so bad that branches are ripped from the tree like limbs and winds may strip the tree of all its beauty, but the tree still stands firm. That which takes the beating of life is your self esteem. You get knocked down, beaten at every turn and scared into spaces of wanting to surrender, but your roots won’t allow you.
I am not the greatest fan of the perception of positive thinking and affirmations because of the world’s idea that saying anything negative could uproot them. The most fundamental gift that we can give ourselves as to speak the truth and many times that is laced with the reality that we are slowly being poisoned by not allowing the natural cycle of life to mold us. Without rain the tree would not be fed and it would die. Without the change of seasons and having to survive the harsh winters or the sweltering summers then the tree would stagnate and eventually die too, but it doesn’t fear the harshness of life because it knows its roots.
People expect that because of what I teach and my career choice that I should be positive all of the time. I was once asked where my rich lifestyle is if I teach manifestation. I have been asked how come I haven’t managed to manifest a boyfriend if I believe in the laws of attraction and where the masses are if I know I am that powerful. For a long time I thought I was getting it so very wrong. I even spent yesterday questioning the very things I believe in myself without a shadow of a doubt. My self esteem has been pounded over the past few days and I have had to weather a horrid storm that might not have completely passed, yet through it all I worked with pride. I created a new concept, set up meetings that take me out of my comfort zone and make me braver and I had the courage to initiate meeting a man.
I might be battered and bruised but today I am a little more aware of the strength, courage, determination and power of who I am. Maybe it’s my life choice but I wasn’t born with a simple knowing of my greatness. For whatever my soul reasoning is, I am choosing to learn it through storms and blizzards that test every fiber of my self esteem and that is what makes me more of the person I am determined to be.
I will have it all and the power of manifestation, the laws of attraction and positive thinking are real and truly that powerful. However, those are the roots and if you allow them to be uprooted whenever there is a storm then you don’t realise how very powerful you are.
If I needed all this hardship, fear and chaos to get me to my point of realisation that I am at today then I am truly living the laws of attraction. When I find the man that I know I can love unconditionally it will have been because of the rising of a battered self esteem that has endured many failing love affairs and when the abundance of money washes over me it will be my friend because of the hard works and respects we have worked on as a united team.
We all have those roots of self worth that hold us firm and remind us that no matter what life throws at us, we are unwavering. Your gift is to allow yourself to weather the storm in truth and look at the cuts, bruises and tears but the watch your power to heal the too and wait for the flowers to blossom … until the torturous rains return to feed you right down to your very deepest root.
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published February 9th, 2011
What happens when it’s that sink or swim moment? What do you do with it? I usually buckle down and force on more work, but it seems Miss Universe helped with a little intervention and turned my unconscious pattern of survival into an adventurous day that just might have had more impact than even I realise.
I’m into the swing of things at gym even though I’m a little frustrated that I can’t run on the treadmill like everyone else. My next step is to psych myself up to take the brave step and go to a water aerobics calls. There are two reasons … 1. I’m worried I will hurt my back again! 2. I’m not super great at doing anything new. We all have our vices and that is one of mine, but at least I got the schedule and I’m convincing myself that it’s happening after the wedding.
Yep, it’s this Sunday. Little sis is getting married and as all weddings go, there are so many mixed emotions in the air that it’s hard to breathe sometimes. Despite some bright spark of a builder chopping through the city power lines, I managed to do most of toast to little sis and her future hubby. I know I’m good at standing up in front of a crowd and making magic, but I thought this might be the place to prep a little something. Imagine my sister’s horror if I were to stand up and announce … “I have nothing prepared, so here goes!” … Tee hee … I might just say that anyway.
So after the power had all run out and I had to choose the next thing to do, I was faced with yet another two options. Go to Greggie and do some work for fear of missing one moment of productivity, or go shopping with a voluptuous gift voucher to House of Isis (Thanks to Madam and B for my birthday voucher from last year). I have been waiting for the perfect time to use this voucher and the moment felt just right. It was a hefty amount for a gift and it gave me the freedom to get something I otherwise would have thought twice about. I went after Christmas but everything was sold out. Well, not everything, just the thing that I wanted.
Dragonfae are very dear to my heart. They are part of the fairy realm and each fairy has her (or his) dragon to work dragon magic along with them. They are a powerful and very beautiful partnership. It was awesome to walk into a fully stocked shop and it took me less than half a minute to find them … the most beautiful fairy and her dragon sitting on a glass ball. In these financially uncertain times of mine I would never have been able to walk in and say “I want that one!” but I imagined that it was my daily ability and I called the shop assistant over. With a few extra penny’s to spare I strolled through the shop only to be followed by the assistant. Then out of the blue she asked me if I was Wiccan. I’m not great at labeling myself with ‘spiritual’ terms, but at some point I do have to look at my beliefs and make it easier by just agreeing. What’s in a name anyway and the truth is that, as labels go, I am pretty close to Wiccan/Pagan. How she knew that I’m still not sure. It’s not like I bought a wand or asked for a book of spells. I took the compliment and we chatted about our beliefs and practices. I could see she was keeping me there for a little while with all her questions and once my beautiful Dragonfea was ready to come home with me she finally asked if she could take me for coffee and ask me all she could about Wiccan and Magick! I agreed, but did tell her that I don’t conform to the norm at all but she didn’t seem to mind. If anything, it made her more curious.
Firstly, to share this with you is huge. I have NEVER said Magick in this blog and that did stir up one hell of a storm within me. It still does. I remember that years ago I went to a medium for a reading and she told me that I would always have two separate lives. That which the public knew and the other that was very private to me. My belief has always been that anyone who reads you is merely tapping into your energy at that present moment and at that time I was much more fearful of people’s perceptions. Now I know that if I don’t dump this feeling of needing to hide, I will never get to that point of self worth.
The big storm part is real. A massive storm that started in the afternoon and saw the final fall of an old tree in Greggie’s garden that has been fighting to survive for a long time. The tree hugger in me was sad, but you can see that he (the tree) is very tired now.
The storm went of for hours. City power worked until just after midnight to get us power (I know because the TV wake me on full volume). Now wide awake, I lay in bed for maybe 2 hours listening to one of the most raging storms that have passed though in a while. It set car alarms off and pelted against the window with a fierce reminder of just how powerful mother nature is.
I lay there thinking about that power and then it struck … the realisation that we are all that very essence of mother nature. We are all that powerful!
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published December 29th, 2010
I can’t believe that in two days time I will have started ‘project me’ a year ago. I can’t believe that I blogged every day this year … well except for the ones that got lost somewhere along the line and the times that my incredible best friend had to help me when my back just would not allow.
I know that on the last day of the year I’m going to reminisce about being goalless yet purposeful, but my day was filled with reminders and realisation that I am, with pride and self worth, actually achieving what I set out to do.
I had such an incredible Tuesday simply because I woke up with a great desire to pick something up and for the rest of the day I had the reminder that everything happens in its own perfect time. Continue reading
Published December 11th, 2010
I get to pick and choose anything I want to share with the world. I decide if I want to tell all my friends or none at all. It’s my call if I mention it in a ‘project me’ post or if I want to keep it to myself. It’s not what I choose to share that is of relevance, but why I choose not to share it.
When it comes to my integrity in life, I always know that if I can’t share it with Greggie then I am about to do something that I know I shouldn’t be doing. It’s been an incredible gift that I have given myself by using my choice of sharing as a benchmark for my own truth. Continue reading
Published October 7th, 2010It’s not only me freaking out about this questions. Can you believe that it’s been googled 53 million times. I kid you not … here’s proof: When is it going to rain?
Facebook and Twitter statuses have been teasing and taunting me all freaking day and the worst part is that some people in different parts of Joburg were boasting about dancing in the rain. I’m the dancing in the rain girl. Continue reading
Published September 7th, 2010Today is the first day in nearly a month that I’ve been able to work without the nagging ache of my back disturbing my focus and tampering with my passion. That happened just in time because I’ve needed a bit of a firmer support with all the going’s on between my life and Greggies.
Where to begin. Continue reading
Published September 2nd, 2010The past few days have been the official pinnacle of frustration along my fun journey that started 244 days ago. It’s all good and well to be conscious about life and look at every situation until you find the good and the fun it but when pain is involved it’s a totally different mindset.
Jeez pain does funny things to the mind. I’m giving it till tomorrow and then I’m going to have to take another course of action. Honestly, the only thing that is bugging me is that I’m going to run out of my medical allowance, which should be the least of my worries. Continue reading
Published May 25th, 2010In a time where I’m trying to focus less on being so goalless about my website rankings and more on being purposeful about the reason why the rankings are important, I’m finding myself surrounded by ranking chaos. Just as I settle my heart about one thing, then another creeps up. This time in the form of Alexa stats. I’m naturally competitive and have had to work very hard this year at not allowing that cloud my purposefully, goalless year. Then don’t throw stats in my way when I’m like 200,000 behind. Continue reading
Published May 7th, 2010When I decided to blog every day for the whole of this year there were a lot of people who either thought I was crazy or I wouldn’t follow through. I knew it was one hell of an undertaking, but the whole time it was always more about the reason why I was blogging.
“Project me” is all about putting myself first, telling myself the truth, having fun and being less driven by goals while feeling purposeful and filled with self worth and love. It seems so much easier said than done and considering I’ve been doing my half hearted attempt at ‘project me’ for the past 6 years, I can vouch for the fact that it’s harder than it sounds. Continue reading
archetypes, blogging, change, fun, lifeology, Project Me, self love, self worth, soul, teaching, truth, workaholic, writer | 
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