Jodene is the co-founder of:
and founder of:
Published March 23rd, 2011
If I could pick an easier route at times, I think I would jump at the opportunity. That moment always ends up being fleeting when I realise how much I would have missed out on had I changed one moment of my life.
It’s been 15 months of blogging but it’s been 7 years since I started my personal ‘project me’ … but before that it was Jodene living very unconsciously. I remember sitting with my ‘spiritual’ teacher and telling her that I wished I had unlearned all that she had taught me. My family home and business had just burned down, family issues had be ripped open like a can of worms and I looked at myself in the mirror for the first time in years only to see the damage I had done to myself. Over the last few days I have felt like that again … wishing I could shove the lid back on the journey I have consciously chosen to live.
While I was flying down to Cape Town last week, I sat next to a gentleman who had done the same metaphysics course as I did many years ago. It clearly didn’t serve him very well because he was proving how the ‘law of attraction’ doesn’t work. He said that if it did I should be a very rich lady by now and clearly I wasn’t. Similarly, yesterday I was asked why I only had 16 people at my talk in Cape Town if I believed so much in the power of social networking.
At time when my life is literally in turmoil and my family is going through the hardest thing next to my father’s passing, I have been faced with some interesting additional challenges. Surely by now life should be running smoothly? Isn’t that the impression of manifestation? That because I teach about manifestation I should be manifesting left, right and center? If I teach about sex then I should be sexually fulfilled every spare moment I have (and still finding time to sneak out for a shag between meetings)? If I teach about self worth and self esteem that I should have lost all the weight and been married with a perfect little life by now?
Is that who the world chooses to listen to? Those who make it all sound so easy and show you the pretty picture at the end of the long and winding yellow brick road that they have traveled?
Has anyone wondered why Charlie Sheen is getting the attention he is currently getting? Has anyone stopped to watch what the world is craving? Maybe it’s just me, but there are more people out there who are struggling to manifest those realities than those who have done an affirmation and ‘whoop there it is’! People are lapping up the madness and the chaos. So many of us live in chaos that if we can have confirmation that someone else is so much more far removed from reality, that we will be ok! I remember wanting a friend of mine to do one of my courses and he told me that only those who write the books on self help get rich and they only got rich because they wrote the book. I’m not agreeing with him, but I am agreeing that we all stare outwards to find the answers.
In my chaos, do you not think that I have tried to turn to every outside source I possibly could? I wish I could show you a glimmer of the frustration of waking up in the morning with the promise to have a healthy eating day and then ending it in chaos because I have no idea what healthy means to me. Should I shut down this blog and retract myself from the role of teacher because I am still amidst the chaos?
My answer is no! My realisation is that anyone who is striving to live life without the chaos has this journey very wrong. Of course there are issues that I want so badly to put to rest, but I don’t know how much I have to learn about myself before I get there. I don’t know my greatness but I know I’m great and if I need to hit rock bottom (with the whole world watching) then that is what I have chosen to do.
This space isn’t rosy right now! I have cried so much in the last few days that I can’t even put my contact lenses in my eyes. I have to sell stuff to buy a bed for my new home that I am still sharing with my mother.
Have I failed at manifestation??? Hell no!!!!
There is not one moment of this journey that I would have given up on. There is no part of me that doubts my ability and my success. I have never felt as though I have stepped off the magical journey of my yellow brick road and there has NEVER been a part of me that has wanted to quit … alright, Saturday was a bit of a quitting day, but bowl of popcorn, a cup of tea and a precious mother pulled me through.
The more I experience of ‘project me’ and the more I wonder to myself what great lessons I need to share with the world, the more I realise that I just have to keep telling the truth. I don’t have to plan seminars or wait for my first book to be published or have a Ferrari in my driveway to be the voice of manifestation.
There is no quick fix! There is no single right way! There is no formula but the one you create for yourself! There is no escaping the magical chaos of life and there is no punishment in that chaos either.
I might lose a sponsor today because I haven’t managed to keep up the positivity movement. I have fallen off the wagon, but I am still on the yellow brick road. I do enough beating up of myself and choose not to face the wrath of anyone else’s judgement, but I also understand that if the world is driven by positive results and constant success without the allowance of the odd stumble off the wagon, that I might not be able to sustain the ride. Sadly, I believe in the very thing that might be taken away from me (or I might give up) but I also realise that I don’t have the ability to do things the way they are being asked of me right now and that’s not fair of me. Right now, if I don’t allow myself to be kind to myself and if I put on rose coloured glasses, I will do more damage than good. Half of the self help books in the world might disagree with me right now … but only I know me.
I know this has been a long post, but I have so needed to hear myself say this and I thank you for listening and sharing my journey with me.
Today I am packing up my dad’s office! Of all the spaces in the house, this one is the most heart wrenching. I don’t know what it’s going to do today but chances are that I will choose to end it with an overly indulgent meal that I will cook for some very special people in my life and I will shed another few tears along the way.
In all these thousands of words, this is what I’m trying to say about living a ‘project me’ life: No matter what, I get up every single day and I tell myself the truth. I honour my emotions, I speak my fears and I watch myself do a little damage with food or hold out for the wrong guy to call me. Every single day I still do one little thing that scares me and sometimes those little things are as small as saying ‘no’ to an arrangement that I choose not to attend. No excuses and no lies! Every single day I am grateful for all that I have and all that I have the ability to have … but most of all … every single day, I take responsibility for exactly where I am and what I do or don’t have!
For that, I am most proud and I thank each and every one of you for sticking with me when I walk tall and when I fall down. It is an honour to have your yellow brick road right beside mine!
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published February 20th, 2011
What fun things totally freak you out?
Is it just me or does anyone out there also hate the camera that’s whipped out at parties?
Does anyone else have the censorship rule with their friends about Facebook or Tweeted pics?
Who else avoids full body shots??
It’s been long awaited and very much anticipated but one day I woke up and I was ready. I was ready to accept the offer of sponsorship by Irvin Sammons Photographie. I can’t believe he’s still been keen to photography me through the year as I get my body fit, firm and fabulous. I’ve been a total nightmare every time he’s whipped the camera out and then turned into a bitch when I’ve seen the shots he’s taken. Unbelievably … I believe in him and he believes in me and so we decided that we can both make this work.
It might seem like a simple and odd sponsorship, but the camera is fast becoming one of the toughest relationships I’ve ever had to build with someone. “Look straight into the camera!” are words I used to literally hide from.
For those of you who haven’t seen what I used to look like in the eye of the camera, I will be posting a pick when I launch the sponsorship. It wasn’t pretty. Let me rephrase that … I didn’t think I was pretty.
Naturally the day was mixed with emotions of excitement, challenge and fear. Irvin was amazing to the build up but I can see that not many understand my love/hate relationship with the camera.
My poor mother gave up being a make-up artist years ago, yet she still does it for me at every important occasion. She is brilliant at what she does and always helps make me feel that one extra bit pretty. Yesterday was no different and she could feel it. It would officially be one of the first times I was consciously having full body shots. I had already decided that, no matter what, I am putting full body shots on my blog when I launch the sponsorship.
Outfit upon outfit were tried on, removed, tried on again. Shuffling from one mirror to the next and learning in then taking a few steps out. If that was how the camera would see me then I would survive. After all, it is the first photo shoot and the whole point is to track my weight loss and shift in esteem as seen through the eyes of the lens.
I’m not the same girl I used to be and I’m not fishing for compliments either. I know my beauty and my sexy self. It’s a simple chaos with me … I can see my poor relationship with food through the lens. Every time I see a pic of me I promise myself a better eating life and then I fall off the rails at the sign of one ounce of fear or need to hide shame. But, something has changed lately. It’s a combination of things, but the fact remains. I have gotten through some of the greatest family, friends, finance and fear issues over the last few weeks and not turned to food once. I felt amazing at my sister’s wedding and it triggered a knowing that I CAN do this.
That’s when I did it! That’s when I made the call and graciously accepted the sponsorship! That’s when I put on my best, coloured up my cheeks, puckered up my lips, curled up my hair and headed to a pretty park to be photographed!
Ironically, it was cloudy and rainy … which only enhanced the beauty of the whole experience!
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published February 18th, 2011
Nothing …
I miss teaching terribly. I realised last night, after my self discovery group with a few old students, that I’m going crazy without teaching. I’ve blamed money for my frustration for a while now but the realisation is that I’m not being me and it’s chewing away at my self esteem.
So this is it … I’m slipping into my mode of greatest existence and I’m sharing a lesson with you that I have been reminding myself of a lot over the past few days.
Do you know that there is a difference between self worth and self esteem?
Imagine a tree with its roots planted firmly in the ground. The greater the need for stability according to the environment that the tree has to endure, the greater the root.
Firm within the earth the roots grow until they know that nothing will pull it from the ground, which is directly related to our self worth. It is the deep knowing of who we are. It is the unwavering strength, courage, self love, fearlessness and determination to survive. He all have it and that is what makes us all that powerful.
Above the ground is the trunk, branches and leaves of that very firmly planted tree. The storms, winds and beating sun may cause extreme chaos for the parts of the tree that are above the earth. Storms may be so bad that branches are ripped from the tree like limbs and winds may strip the tree of all its beauty, but the tree still stands firm. That which takes the beating of life is your self esteem. You get knocked down, beaten at every turn and scared into spaces of wanting to surrender, but your roots won’t allow you.
I am not the greatest fan of the perception of positive thinking and affirmations because of the world’s idea that saying anything negative could uproot them. The most fundamental gift that we can give ourselves as to speak the truth and many times that is laced with the reality that we are slowly being poisoned by not allowing the natural cycle of life to mold us. Without rain the tree would not be fed and it would die. Without the change of seasons and having to survive the harsh winters or the sweltering summers then the tree would stagnate and eventually die too, but it doesn’t fear the harshness of life because it knows its roots.
People expect that because of what I teach and my career choice that I should be positive all of the time. I was once asked where my rich lifestyle is if I teach manifestation. I have been asked how come I haven’t managed to manifest a boyfriend if I believe in the laws of attraction and where the masses are if I know I am that powerful. For a long time I thought I was getting it so very wrong. I even spent yesterday questioning the very things I believe in myself without a shadow of a doubt. My self esteem has been pounded over the past few days and I have had to weather a horrid storm that might not have completely passed, yet through it all I worked with pride. I created a new concept, set up meetings that take me out of my comfort zone and make me braver and I had the courage to initiate meeting a man.
I might be battered and bruised but today I am a little more aware of the strength, courage, determination and power of who I am. Maybe it’s my life choice but I wasn’t born with a simple knowing of my greatness. For whatever my soul reasoning is, I am choosing to learn it through storms and blizzards that test every fiber of my self esteem and that is what makes me more of the person I am determined to be.
I will have it all and the power of manifestation, the laws of attraction and positive thinking are real and truly that powerful. However, those are the roots and if you allow them to be uprooted whenever there is a storm then you don’t realise how very powerful you are.
If I needed all this hardship, fear and chaos to get me to my point of realisation that I am at today then I am truly living the laws of attraction. When I find the man that I know I can love unconditionally it will have been because of the rising of a battered self esteem that has endured many failing love affairs and when the abundance of money washes over me it will be my friend because of the hard works and respects we have worked on as a united team.
We all have those roots of self worth that hold us firm and remind us that no matter what life throws at us, we are unwavering. Your gift is to allow yourself to weather the storm in truth and look at the cuts, bruises and tears but the watch your power to heal the too and wait for the flowers to blossom … until the torturous rains return to feed you right down to your very deepest root.
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published February 8th, 2011
I’m racing against time to blog because the electricity is off again thanks to the builders who are slowly mutilating the house around us. It’s interesting to have to let it go considering we are officially tenants here, but there are builders, dust and spurts of water and power interruptions all the time.
It’s not helping my mood, but I’m not good at rolling over and not tackling the things that obviously come up for a reason. So the number of things that have been creeping out of the woodwork. I don’t believe that issues hit any of us out of the blue. I believe that they linger and give little signs that indicate there is work to be done and if we ignore them long enough then all of a sudden it feels as though we are hit with a ten ton truck while happily skipping across the road.
Everything is emerging and yesterday I had to do something about it. Choice one was to stay in bed all day and listen to Country music (yes, I have the ability to do that ALL day). Choice two was to get up and take one step at a time through the things I have been avoiding or anxious about.
The start was gym because on any typical day when I feel like it’s the end of the world, I think gym would be the last thing I would want to do in my final hours. It’s far from my final hours, so I dragged my ass there. The truth is that with each step I take I am feeling better about myself and my body. Of course old fears are creeping out of the woodwork and I did walk around the track saying particularly horrid things to myself. It’s not creeping up just to weigh down my self esteem. It’s finally here to do something about it … and I did! I carried on through the entire day without binging, cravings or saying anything nasty to precious me.
Work wise … jeez is there a lot going on there! I don’t even know where to begin to bring myself to my fullest potential, but admitting that is good enough right now. So I did the greatest ‘project me’ thing and took one little step to do something that has been scaring me. I had this brainwave to invite people who have made successes of their lives and lived their ‘project me’ to tell their story. It’s a great concept and all I had to do was come up with 10 impactful questions and an inviting letter to have people wanting to share their story with myself and my very special readers. Well, I decided that weeks ago and placed it on the to-do list. Okay, I did attempt to put it together on more than one occassion, but just ended up being pissed off with me. Yesterday I decided to just do the intro letter. I knew the questions would be tough and I decided not to overload my already weary ego. This is what I love about taking one little step … before it was time for my weekly lunch with Greggie, I was done with everything.
To ask myself is that was so difficult is only being mean to me and that’s a pattern I’m far to aware of to even attempt to repeat.
Well, haven’t the boys just been creeping out of the woodwork too. I will never stop The Jock from flirting, but something has changed and the bond is growing stronger. He is always good for me esteem even if it’s not in my highest esteem to say that. I will always think he’s gorgeous and it’s been so long since I felt all woman-like that his flirting feeds my weary ego a little.
Text Guy got me on Whatsapp last night. How odd? How long has it been? He vanished into thin air before I even hurt myself last year and then tells me that he’s just got an iPhone and he’s playing around. That’s not all … remember the Facebook dude who was in town and was supposed to meet me but then he stood me up? Well he got hold of me too. This is the best part … he asked if I could help him with his esteem because he’s petrified to start a project he has wanted to do for years. It was beyond tough to have to speak my truth to both of these men. To tell them both how they had made me feel and to tell them both that I have moved on. Text Guy apologised and I accepted it with grace, but there is nothing I want to rekindle. This has been creeping around for a long time … the need to speak my truth and do what’s good for me without thinking I am going to be a bitch and the gods are going to punish me.
It’s still lingering today, but I keep reminding myself that all of this is creeping up for a reason. The fears, the anxiety, the men who I will always love and the one that I am a little scared to get to know. It’s all here … I can’t say it’s not a bitch that it’s happening just 5 days away from my sisters’s wedding, but it’s here and I intend to do something awesome about it!
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published February 6th, 2011
These past few days have been pretty memorable for ‘project me’.
It’s not often that I get myself into a space that I battle to get out after a good dose of self reflection, a good chat with a friend or some ice cream. Granted, I didn’t try the ice cream bit considering it’s sis’s wedding this time next week and part of my crisis is how mean I’m being to myself about my lack of excessive weight loss. Did you note I said excessive? Not that I’m not losing, but when a downer hits it seems that nothing is good enough.
If I didn’t have the fighting spirit, the belief that I can manifest my reality and that everything is as it should be, the ‘project me’ would not exists. So to find myself in this WTF space where I am considering finding a day job … well then this day surely needs to be noted because it surely will be refereed back to … after I have gotten over myself and found success of course.
NOT that I don’t feel successful already and I know I have been going on about this a bit and it even sparked some debate on my Facebook page. Yet, the truth is that some self esteem does lie in the money we make. It’s brilliant that I have the recognition and the respect I do. It’s incredible that my personal blog has grown in such numbers and I have international followers. It’s awesome, it’s incredible, it’s magical, it’s unexpected, it’s … not paying the bills!
Oh boy … it’s come down to this … money issues!!
No doubt that puts a damper on the entire day. Even one spent with my precious friend, Hustler Girl, who was as supportive and encouraging as ever. So much of what she said is right and I know that this has nothing to do with me not living what I am passionate about … that’s easy. This is about putting myself out there with a big voice and using the whole of my being – my wisdom, my teaching ability, my presence, my personality and my way of living.
It is unique … I AM UNIQUE! Yet there’s something I’m not doing in my highest esteem and stressing out, pushing harder or being unkind to myself is certainly NOT going to fix it!
It’s Sunday and under normal circumstances, when I am having a shit day, I would do some sort of work to make up for anything I might be missing. Well isn’t that just being mean to me? It’s Sunday … I’m allowed to rest! The workaholic in me is obviously freaking out … but it is Sunday and most of the world takes at least one day and gives it all to themselves.
I’m saying it, but can I do it in the space I’m in? Well, bookmark this day and hold your breathe for an update on day 403.
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published February 1st, 2011
I know that I have the potential to have overly dramatic moments and days filled with a little too much chaos. I also know that I make good of those moments whether it’s a seriously grown up lesson or I learn to laugh at myself and life a little bit more.
Usually a good night’s sleep does wonders and sitting down to blog is even more calming and enlightening.
Very seldom are there days like these. The disillusioned ones. The WTF was that all about ones. The I’m speechless ones.
My day started off with a few “I don’t wanna’s” and “This isn’t gonna be good” concerns floating through my head. That’s my crisis today … My damn intuition!
In my nearly 400 days of blogging I have never spoken about my intuition. I have never told you just how accurate I am on more than one occasion. We all have it, but it’s how you develop it and what we do with it. I’ve listened to, respected and sometimes even feared my intuition for years. I used to keep quite about it because I have no intention of being the “I told you so” girl, but part of ‘project me’ and living within my truth is express the things that I am concerned about or know aren’t going to turn out so kosher.
Boys, sibling rivalry, other people’s poor judgement … the list goes on … it all whacked me as the day dwindled to an end yesterday so that by the time I drifted off to sleep I was drained, frustrated and upset.
This is where ‘project me’ has to kick in like never before. I have weeks ahead of me where I have to hold my head up high and days in front of me where I can’t let anyone’s actions waver my self esteem. I know me! I check my integrity at every moment (otherwise what would ‘project me’ be for anyway). I tell myself the truth and accept when I’m wrong. I make changes to those wrongs and I grow to not make those same mistakes again. I also know that there is a reason why my intuition is so strong … now I just have to figure out what to do with it, because surely I wouldn’t have moments like last night if I were using it wisely. Or … is that me just being mean to me?
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published January 18th, 2011
Dear diary
It’s very seldom that I don’t feel like blogging for the world to see and allowing everyone into my head and my heart.
There is a fortune going on between the notification that we have to be out of the house by July and little sis’s wedding in about 25 days time. The events are all very exciting but issues of money are tampering with the esteem and the outlook on the momentous occasions.
Wasn’t yesterday great? With all the planning for the growth of the blog and how damn confident am I of what I want and deserve? Then do you have any idea why I got home and after hitting that crazy wave of exhaustion, I hit a complete downer?
It’s annoying me that I have to tell everyone that I had a nice binge eat to cope with the wavering esteem. Well I could focus on the better part of the esteem and say I shoveled healthy(er) crackers down my throat instead of half a dozen slices of bread.
I don’t mind sharing that I’m dealing with the elevator phobia! That’s a good distraction and a nice boost for the esteem. But then again I have only really adjusted to the one at Twinkletoe’s apartment and I can’t spend my life only visiting him.
That was huge for the esteem actually. Usually I only share the madness of my mind and the shame that plagues me with Greggie and my mom. I know I’m getting better at blogging about it, but I haven’t really let another friend in to hear some of the madness that goes on. It was great to let Twinkletoes in, even though I had a few moments of ‘pass me the wine’ to get through the truths. There was the low freak out esteem part of only owning a fridge at my age. I mean really, I’m the girl who know that value and worth is not material and my esteem is high in the clouds when knowing what I can manifest. A fridge today and all I can dream of tomorrow. Maybe it’s not so bad to let everyone see how irrational the esteem can be, after all, that is what I want to share as a teacher, right?
One of the things I pride myself in is not only showing the world the well put together, positive affirmations, all is rosy girl! That’s super high esteem as it is.
Not forgetting that I stuck to a huge ‘project me’ promise and invited my dearest friends to Lammas,the first Pagan festival,of the year. No hesitations! No regrets! Just a great pride in my beliefs and an excitement that I’m sticking to my ‘project me’ promises and that my path is so beautiful and very me. That’s not to say that I won’t mess with the esteem as it gets closer to the time considering I shall be showing my alter and a simple version of some pagan gratitude to mother earth and a few gods and goddesses. Huge esteem Jodene, well done you!!
Why then, with all the positivity, exciting things to look forward to and glimmers of greatness, don’t I feel like blogging at all? Not that I’m not gonna … right? This is me!! The girl who sees the glass half full! So enough hiding from the world, but thanks for being there for me to rant a little and build up that esteem until I felt ready enough to blog … which is now!
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published January 12th, 2011
Another Tuesday evening spent with the two people who are also on the path of telling themselves the truth. Another night of feeling haunted by my own realisations because I know they are about to signal in more change. Another dose of truth and delving into the reason that I have learned this particular thing about myself at this very moment in time. It’s not easy and it’s not fun, but a good night’s sleep and I wake up with a whole new understanding about the night before.
That, or I wake up still a little frustrated and then I pull a muscle in the middle of my ribcage, while trying to jump into my jeans, and wind myself for the rest of the day. Trying to remember how to breathe is a great way to remember the gratitude and pause (while gasping for air) to think about what you are grateful for … just in case you die!
Okay, so I didn’t die … and I’m here to live yet another day of ‘project me’, but last night did bring about something that I can no longer hide.
For about a week and a bit I have been dealing with the nagging in my head and the nagging of my best friend, who have both been pointing out that ‘project me’ is about living to the full potential of my personality. Isn’t that how we are all supposed to live? Considering that I end each day reflecting back to ensure that I have lived my truth, within my integrity and in my highest esteem and I battle like hell to live within that full potential, I sometimes need to reflect back on how far I have come. No time to reflect back now though … it’s in this very moment that my attention is focused.
You see, looking back or dreaming forward is a brilliant distraction for a girl who is slowly realising that I have a very larger personality (I’m still trying to meet myself, so give me a moment before I introduce me to you), lives within my integrity, speaks the truth and has nothing at all, under the entire sun, that I am ashamed or hide from the world. Radical right? Well, can’t you see why I hide my personality then.
Things have been agitating me. I haven’t wanted to go places, see people or deal with issues. I feel the need to slip away from the world, but at the same time I can also feel that I am finally being true to myself.
Within just a few days of speaking my truth, knowing my worth and trusting my decisions, I have been hit with tests from all angles.
So I spoke my truth and got questions. I expressed my worth and got challenged on my strength of that very discovery. I made my decision and was confronted as to the esteem with which I made it … trust me, I know my foundation and I know the esteem ways high!
I worry that people might think I am arrogant … now wait, I used to worry about that. The truth is that that has also changed. I don’t worry about what people thing anymore. In the good way of not worrying, because I trust myself enough to know that the intention with which I communicate anything is pure and with love. I can’t worry about what people do with it though.
This means not playing into other’s lies, dramas or chaos. This means saying what I mean when asked to say something. This means rattling cages if they don’t like the truth and standing firm in my beliefs when I am challenged.
A very dear friend of mine roped me into a lie because they are battling to speak their truth. I let it slide … but only long enough to have my say. I have no need to lie about anything … that is a far cry from who I was. I used to lie about everything because I was afraid of consequence and I was riddled with shame, but I’ve changed and I’m changing still. Before I learned not to lie to others but now I realise that lying for others is just as out of the integrity of all the work I have done to become who I am today.
Join me … what’s the worst that can happen right?
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published September 7th, 2010Today is the first day in nearly a month that I’ve been able to work without the nagging ache of my back disturbing my focus and tampering with my passion. That happened just in time because I’ve needed a bit of a firmer support with all the going’s on between my life and Greggies.
Where to begin. Continue reading
Published June 2nd, 2010Admittedly, I can’t blog for long today (being halfway through day 152) because I’ve managed to waste more than half of it forcing myself into positive spaces … but that’s for tomorrow’s blog.
Today, I just have to get through this so that I can finally do some work for the first time in a good few days. I miss my sparkling personality and spunk for writing and getting through the days with a positive attitude. That’s why I did the fun blog yesterday and found all of my favourite things. Oh boy, did I have fun! I felt the little ray of “everything’s going to be ok” come bursting through the window and … the phone rang! Continue reading
