Project Me relationship

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SNL: It’s not what you think – project me day 490

Posted by jodene May 05, 2011 6 Comments »

Since I started blogging I’m very proud of the way I have managed to feel my way around things and get a grip on other things. I’ve been feeling around in the dark and learning the power of swapping favours and saying the right things at the right time … you know I’m talking about my wordpress blog, right?

Ok, there’s been a little feeling other things in the dark but that’s for a totally different converstation. Today it’s about the little things in life that are frustrating the hell out of me.

Here’s a reminder that I’m not in the positivity movement and don’t have to pretend that everything in life is peachy just in case I attract something negative while uttering my truth. I’m also not into thinking that speaking the frustrations makes me a miserable person. If anything, I admit my truths and do something about them!

How did this all come about? Well it’s a toss up between the “A” falling off of my keyboard this morning and it wobbling around while I type right now and the annoying call I keep getting from a certain guy who thinks sweeping things under the carpet works for me.
But most of all … it’s the SNL I can’t get rid of on my freaking blog. You can see it, right? It’s glaringly obvious, just under the Tweet button and it’s been there ever since I loaded the newest Facebook plugin. Don’t tell me to remove it because it took me ages to find a button that actually did what I want to do. Don’t tell me to get someone to help because I’m slowly learning that, no matter how much someone loves or cares about you, it’s always a mission to do that one little thing. Don’t tell me to pay someone because right now, it would have to go to the other kind of SNL as a payment exchange.

It’s always those little things that I end up wasting precious time over. So I’m annoyed. I’m annoyed that A’s pop off, SNL’s don’t go away and that friends and boys don’t think.

Friends don’t think that the only thing anyone wants is truth. Ok, all that I want is the truth. I don’t care about many other qualities besides that truth because my most valued asset is the power to choose and it’s impossible to choose from a lie.
The oldest line in the book is: “I didn’t want to hurt you!” The only thing that ever hurts someone is knowing that a friend lied to them. The truth does something different … it gives everyone the option to decide if they want to be hurt or not. So my friend kept something from me because he said he knew it would hurt me. It did hurt me but hearing via the grapevine pissed me off.

I’m this girl who truly doesn’t get the point of not just saying the truth. There really is no other option but what you really think or really mean … is there? Am I that naive?
You don’t even have to sit there and think it’s so easy for me because every day I fight things that could truly perpetuate lies. I’m tempted by someone who is in a relationship and that would make for another real SNL scenario, but this is always my benchmark in my life. If I can’t tell my best friend … and now, if I can’t blog about it, them I’m out of my integrity. Yes, I could tell my best friend that I was having an affair and we could both rationalise it that I’m single so I’m not the once cheating … but the bottom line for me is truth. If I can’t tell the truth at a party or I have to keep a secret in case the truth leaks out, then I just don’t do it. Oh … so I think I’ve spoken about boys and friends here.

Don’t lie to me and don’t make me lie … it’s as simple as that! And when I carry that around with me while trying to get A’s back on keyboards and SNL’s off wordpress blogs … well then the littlest thing just pisses me off!

PS … loving my day! Loving the sunshine on a winter morning! Loving me! Loving you! … So don’t anyone tell me to fix my attitude or think positive thoughts … ok? Good … seriously, I do love you!

With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour

The unconventional SUPERSTAR – project me day 427

Posted by jodene March 03, 2011 6 Comments »

What is the point of being my own boss if I don’t understand the concept of working in my own time, setting my own benchmarks and clocking out when I’m ready? Even when I was at my most immobile with my back, I hardly ever clocked out. That might have meant my head ticking over with ideas, but it was still work, work, work.

Yesterday was an experience for me. I woke up jealous that kitty would get to lie around all day. Got dressed into my gym clothes at 7, dragged myself through my daily blog post and then managed to stall getting to gym until just after 10. The whole time I was promising myself that I would work as soon as I got home. I would work until the moment I had to go to dinner with friends and I would work when I got back from dinner. That would make up for any wasted time.

This coming from a recovered (okay, recovering) workaholic is never a good sign. I work my little behind off and one day of total apathy is not going to spin me into a downward spiral of failure.

I did it … I actually did it … I had a nothing day!
It’s amazing to learn the ‘project me’ less that when you give yourself a gift of doing something different you are showered with other gifts.

One was getting to spend time with Greggie and my dearest Twinkletoes where I can be me and I didn’t have to explain me need for nothingness. It was my day to escape and upon Greggie’s suggestion we ended up watching the one movie that shows me how far I have come in my life.

When all else fails … watch Superstar!!!

I could see a smudge of horror spread across Twinkletoes’ face at some scenes that could be deemed totally off the wall, inappropriate or ridiculously goofy. The very times when I was howling with laughter most of all. I have seen this movie way more than a dozen times since I first saw it when I was as nerdy as Mary Katherine herself and so I can imagine someone watching it for the first time and wondering why I love it so much. Granted, I didn’t snog trees but I was dreaming of a first real kiss at that time.

I was a very late bloomer in the kissing, fondling and sexing department. I was also hiding a very quirky personality at that stage and was envious that Mary Katherine had the courage to speak to trees, candles and her very hip version of God. Actually, I did speak to trees, candles and my very cool version of God, but it wasn’t shamelessly.

One of the greatest gifts the movie gave me was the ability to form my own relationship with whomever existed in my Universe. To have my own version of God, Goddess and whatever I chose. Yesterday I sat there and questioned if any part of it were offensive?
When I was growing up as a Jewish girl, my best friend at the time was Catholic. I went to mass, could say the rosary and knew which saint to call on for what miracle. I was equally dedicate to Hebrew and Shul at another stage of my life, but my relationship with my God was not that formal. I needed to make friends with the Universe and everyone in it.
I feel like I’m explaining myself, but that’s because Twinkletoes really did gasp in horror at some points and because I am forming a bond with someone who is very Catholic. Maybe I’m nervous about the domino effect of my truth?

Either way, I indulged every moment of a movie that reminds me of who I was and what I have become. In my own right I do dream of being a Superstar. In my own way I am that off the wall and quirky and in my very own way I do have my own relationship with the Gods.

On all three, I don’t flinch!
On all three, I take pride in who I am!

I got totally plastered last night. Yep, the drunk kind. Something else I hardly ever do. I’m a little reputation obsessed at times and drunk giggles and snorting laughs is not a side I like to show often. This morning I feel the need to call everyone and tell them I don’t do that often but that would be super silly! This morning I also feel like absolute poop … that’s just a FYI!

Anyway, I feel as though I’m rambling but the point of the profound ‘project me’ message is that we all have it in us to dream the impossible dream and become our own Superstar, have the perfect kiss and form our own relationship with the God (and in my case Goddess) that we choose.

SUPERSTAR!!!

PS … for those of you who haven’t ever seen it … here’s the totally off the wall trailer and hats off to Molly Shannon of Saturday Night Live for creating this amazing character and sharing such an incredible message in the most inappropriate way

PPS … next time you can choose the movie, Twinkletoes.

With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour

The things you learn from a sugar rush – project me day 420

Posted by jodene February 24, 2011 12 Comments »

I’m thinking it’s going to be one of those days.
Waking up to the wild antics of a kitten that looks like she should have been named after a princess is my own fault … I never should have named her after a mischievous dragon. It would have been cute were I not coming down from the sugar rush of a lifetime.
Or is it that I’m finally building a healthy enough relationship with my body that I can feel the impact of food on my entire system?

Of course I blame Hustler Girl and in her comment she is going to blame me in return. The bottom line is that our little binge of what we thought was a well deserved ‘cheat’ meal left me learning things about myself that my poor sugar levels have been trying to learn for years. My body only wants to be fed certain things. My body doesn’t like too much refined, oily, sugary stuff that we are used to eating every day.
When I was little one of my favourite things to do was play with a yo-yo. I can’t tell you how many I had but one of my best ones had a face on it and I used to imagine that is was a person getting all dizzy as I twirled and spun it. You know that eeeeewww feeling? Well I had that from the moment my sugar spiked for the first time. Hmmm … lesson learned!

But wait, there’s more … sugar that is!! Don’t those biscuity things with the yummy strawberry begging to be eaten just look scrumptious? I didn’t realise the invitation to The Venus Network for some fun and a product research workshop for South Africa’s Tea Lovers biscuits would include an array of delicious treats made from the biscuits … naive, I know!

So we all know just how engrossed in online networking I am. I’ve mentioned for long enough how I can mingle anywhere online but don’t like arriving at venues on my own. Let’s not forget that if you spin me around I’m lost. It was also time to meet a ‘stranger’ that I’ve only been communicating with via every other means possible except face to face. I’ve had a few ‘project me’ stories of connecting with someone and chatting for ages only to never speak again after the actual meeting. This person is really sweet and I don’t want them to go away … so the combination of all of this was like a sugar rush all on it’s own.

I liked it … all of it … the personal social networking. Spending time at the gorgeous venue, Life on 3rd in Mellville and putting a gentle face to a very special voice. On that note, it’s a great thank you to Life on 3rd for the absolutely delicious sweet treats that were all made with Tea Lovers biscuits. If I didn’t stress about a potential sugar coma, I would have indulged a tad more.
I also discovered that I quite like tapping into another creative side of myself. Yes, words flow like water with me but when we were presented with cardboard, crayons, pencils and magazines and asked to be artistically creative, I panicked a little. I can write what I think, but to draw it … that’s not me! Or is it??? Maybe the sugary experience that thrust me into the unfamiliar world of creativity sparked a little more confidence in a few more areas of possibility. Don’t panic … I’m not about to try and sketch a Monet.

I met a super interesting woman there and we were Facebook friends before we walked out the door. When you realise you have 4 friends in common and 3 of them are from a dating site, you know that the world is but an oyster shell. Of course they would have to include both Mr Big and The Jock. I saw The Jock yesterday so I know he’s alive and well, but I haven’t heard from Mr Big since the day we decided to ‘end it’ but stay friends. I can feel my sugars rising just thinking about the 6 months that have passed since he made any contact. Admittedly, I have been worried about him because there hasn’t even be any activity on his Facebook since last year. No … I’m not stalking him, exactly! Imagine my surprise when I received a message from him less than 10 minutes after I made a new friend. My initial reaction was relief that he’s alive but then the rest of the emotions came gushing in. The curiosity is killing him … How do I know this woman we now have in common? How is the house hunting? How am I liking my new hair colour? Am I married yet?? … The down side of social networking … but then again it is my choice to announce all of these things for the world to see. Oh shit … I blog daily too! Right, nothing to hide!

So I learned he’s alive and well and that was good enough for me. I chose not to write back, just like I chose not to poke Text Guy back and I chose not to go down any repeated road with The Jock.

Despite the fact that I feel like hell today and am now in a state that I pushed my body over the edge and have diabetes as of this moment on, I had some of the most fun, special and empowering moments all thanks to a shit load of sugar!

With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour

Equipped with a plan, lipstick & good reflexes – project me day 419

Posted by jodene February 23, 2011 13 Comments »

Today is one of those days that I wished I had blogged about yesterday, yesterday. All of a sudden there is so much to do that I’m feeling particularly frazzled. It’s all a good thing, believe it or not, but I do wish that time would stand still for a moment so that I didn’t have to prioritize. That’s what happens when one has a big Tuesday.

I’ve mentioned the mission I’m on to get this blog out there and eventually make a living out of it, between advertising, sponsorship and project me talks. That means there had to be a little stepping out of the comfort zone and heading off to a meeting without my business partner.
Have I shared my little dream of being chauffeured around for the rest of my life? I kid you not. It’s even made it onto my vision board. So when my sister was planning grocery shopping it was a very cool plan that ended in my brother dropping me at my meeting. A little less pressure goes a long way considering I hate arriving at new place.

Here’s another little reveal. I’m not sure if I’ve mention my addiction before, but when I need to put my best foot forward I NEED to have my lipstick/lip gloss on hand. It sits on the dinner table. I walk around holding it. I have about 7 in my handbag. How totally inappropriate to apply lipstick (constantly) during a meeting? You’re wondering … and of course I didn’t, but holy moly did I NEED it.
I’m bursting with excitement at the prospects of the meeting though and praise the power of social networking.

You have to hold that thought because my little sis just looked at me with puppy-dog eyes and asked me to make her breakfast. She’s got a job interview today and clearly there are nerves … or manipulation

Right … sister of the year is back … and as I was saying: I’m a big fan of social networking and have a little envy at the rest of the world who are further along in the concept and accessibility of social networking tools. How could I not burst with excitement at the concept of UCit that best describe themselves as: “Every day, UCit sends you exclusive offers to experience your city in true UCit style. Live more, pay less and have fun doing it. With us, what you C is what you GET.”
I have a plan to socially network with this incredible concept … despite getting all of my friend to sign up, get involved and all go for the same awesome deal so that we do magical things together. Find UCit on Facebook and Twitter.
If you are anywhere else in the world and there is a site that you can share with my international readers, the post a comment.

One day there’s mention of needing to move and today I think I’m announcing that we might have found a house. It’s been brewing for a while, but I haven’t mentioned it because I’m trying to deal with an issue or two of my own.
Firstly, I’ve decided to move with my mom and at the age of 37 I’m trying not to feel like the spinster with the cat (as beautiful as my Saphirah is). Secondly, and here’s the kicker … the house is next door to Greggie. Like we don’t have to swat away enough flies about having an unhealthy codependent best friend relationship.
The house is perfect. I have my own entrance so I will have the privacy I need. The rest will be in pics if we get it. So I kicked into ‘project me’ mode and reminded myself that there is no truth but my own. I can’t be concerned about what others may think or say because I can’t control it anyway. I know my relationship with my best friend and I have no one to explain myself to. That being said and done, we are now waiting for the guy to decide if he wants to sell or rent … hold thumbs!

As for the good reflexes and the odd picture of a lightening bolt … well yesterday Mother Nature showed me just how resourceful I am. She reminded me that when crisis strikes (like literally strikes) I don’t get frozen with fear. I kid you not … she chucked a lightning bolt that hit the electric wires and snapped them. Sitting at a stop street, my mother and I watched a live wire, sparking and spitting, heading straight for the car. I don’t get electricity so I didn’t know if that was lethal or not, but all reflexes kicked in and I did a Chuck Norris car swerve maneuver that any stunt man would have bowed to. Driving and trembling is quite and experience but then so is living and thinking. Of course I pulled up outside our possible new home, in the pouring rain, and applied lipstick … a girl needs a good shade of autumn when the world awaits her.

With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour

This girl’s on film – project me day 416

Posted by jodene February 20, 2011 14 Comments »

What fun things totally freak you out?
Is it just me or does anyone out there also hate the camera that’s whipped out at parties?
Does anyone else have the censorship rule with their friends about Facebook or Tweeted pics?
Who else avoids full body shots??

It’s been long awaited and very much anticipated but one day I woke up and I was ready. I was ready to accept the offer of sponsorship by Irvin Sammons Photographie. I can’t believe he’s still been keen to photography me through the year as I get my body fit, firm and fabulous. I’ve been a total nightmare every time he’s whipped the camera out and then turned into a bitch when I’ve seen the shots he’s taken. Unbelievably … I believe in him and he believes in me and so we decided that we can both make this work.

It might seem like a simple and odd sponsorship, but the camera is fast becoming one of the toughest relationships I’ve ever had to build with someone. “Look straight into the camera!” are words I used to literally hide from.

For those of you who haven’t seen what I used to look like in the eye of the camera, I will be posting a pick when I launch the sponsorship. It wasn’t pretty. Let me rephrase that … I didn’t think I was pretty.

Naturally the day was mixed with emotions of excitement, challenge and fear. Irvin was amazing to the build up but I can see that not many understand my love/hate relationship with the camera.

My poor mother gave up being a make-up artist years ago, yet she still does it for me at every important occasion. She is brilliant at what she does and always helps make me feel that one extra bit pretty. Yesterday was no different and she could feel it. It would officially be one of the first times I was consciously having full body shots. I had already decided that, no matter what, I am putting full body shots on my blog when I launch the sponsorship.

Outfit upon outfit were tried on, removed, tried on again. Shuffling from one mirror to the next and learning in then taking a few steps out. If that was how the camera would see me then I would survive. After all, it is the first photo shoot and the whole point is to track my weight loss and shift in esteem as seen through the eyes of the lens.

I’m not the same girl I used to be and I’m not fishing for compliments either. I know my beauty and my sexy self. It’s a simple chaos with me … I can see my poor relationship with food through the lens. Every time I see a pic of me I promise myself a better eating life and then I fall off the rails at the sign of one ounce of fear or need to hide shame. But, something has changed lately. It’s a combination of things, but the fact remains. I have gotten through some of the greatest family, friends, finance and fear issues over the last few weeks and not turned to food once. I felt amazing at my sister’s wedding and it triggered a knowing that I CAN do this.

That’s when I did it! That’s when I made the call and graciously accepted the sponsorship! That’s when I put on my best, coloured up my cheeks, puckered up my lips, curled up my hair and headed to a pretty park to be photographed!

Ironically, it was cloudy and rainy … which only enhanced the beauty of the whole experience!

With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour