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Published February 27th, 2011
Admittedly, I’ve felt crappy for days.
Damn, now I have to explain myself!
There is a line of diabetes in my family, so I really shouldn’t be messing around with how I eat considering I’ve been diagnosed with a pretty high level of something. I don’t know how it all works but I do know that I need to keep my sugar levels as stable as possible.
Everyone always assumes that means cutting out all the carbs and keeping the sugar to almost non existent (including the good ones) and sometimes I get into total idiot space and act like ‘everyone’. No offence to anyone who is reading this and knows they aren’t being kind to their bodies, but the truth first hurts and then sets you straight.
On Tuesday night when Greggie, my mom and myself get together for our little dose of self healing and honesty I am going to have to deal with the consequences of what I’m about to tell you.
Before my sister’s wedding I began to worry that I wouldn’t look great in what I was wearing. I know I said that a few times. The truth is that I did the one thing that I thought was the only thing I could do and cut my carbs right down. I mean right down. The most I would have was an odd bowl of all bran every few days. I had no fruit and I listened to some of the worst advice I have ever been fed. Actually, I’ve been fed it for years and I tapped back into in a total space of fear.
After the wedding I felt great and so I carried on keeping my carbs low. Not completely gone, but I know it’s too low.
Then Hustler Girl and I went on that sugar binge and I was sick almost halfway through my carbo loaded lunch. With each crash I had to fuel myself with more sugar and I have been faint and dizzy since Wednesday.
Yesterday was so bad that I literally had to put myself to bed after a lunch that goes against anything screaming balance.
You know I have voices in my head, so I’m not going to go into explaining myself about that. I am going to explain what the voices were screaming at me about though.
Friends, I love you … but my word, do you mess with my mind and my choices for my own health. I can’t believe how everyone has an opinion and I watch your Facebook status’s saying you were at gym for 2 hours and you are surviving fine on a tomato smoothie. Here I am trying to learn to listen to my own body and it’s screaming for me to eat carbs at every meal. The good carbs of course … but carbs one the less. It’s protein overload all around me and that’s not the wisest thing to do for a body.
At this point my best friend, Greggie, is reading this post and rolling his eyes or mumbling ‘I told you so’ under his breathe, but for some reason I did choose a lifetime of learning things my own way.
Since I was a little girl I never just believed anything that I was told and that has carried on through my whole life. Why would I make it any different when learning how to eat. NOT being told how to eat or following a diet or a plan … but learning for myself what I need to balance my own body.
With the room spinning around me and my blood levels wavering from high to low, the voices reminded me that I know what I’m doing. I know that there is no one under the sun who can tell me what to eat and how to take care of my own body. Shit, that’s a lot of self trust. No one goes inwards at a time like this and the craving to google the perfect diet is haunting me.
I’m not 13! I’m a 37 year old woman who is trying to show the world that we have the power within us to do and be anything. The truth does remain though … I have an erratic sugar issue and I should NOT be messing around with it. The only way to do that is grow the hell up and start listening to myself.
So, you can hear I’m being mean to myself and I’m going to have to take some time to turn that around, but in the meantime I have to stop the light-headedness and the room from spinning. I have to trust in myself to balance my sugars myself and take yet another massive ‘project me’ step.
First things first though … I admitted it! I told you and me the truth … I didn’t want an afternoon nap, I needed it! Desperately!
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
body issues, diet, fear, friends, Greggie, gym, Hustler Girl, Project Me, truth, wedding | 
6 CommentsPublished February 19th, 2011
In creating my own reality, I choose what to believe and it always becomes my truth. I spend my life saying ‘I am that powerful’, ‘you are the powerful’, and ‘we are that powerful’. One of my realities is that everything has its duality. Light has dark, love has hate, happiness has sadness.
I had one of those days filled with perfect duality. I use the word ‘perfect’ very loosely because I wasn’t feeling much perfection while weeping into a towel because tissues weren’t capable of absorbing the tears.
I woke up to the drained feeling that has been filling my days but found the determination to go to gym with pride and enthusiasm. I went from bouncing excitement that I am constantly going to gym to almost having to hold onto the rail for the last lap around the track because my body was that exhausted.
On the way home I had a long chat with myself and the encouraging speech got me fired up to get a lot off my to-do list. Sadly, I walked into the dual feeling of a destructive speech in one of those conversations that starts with ‘don’t say aything, but …’. I hate those conversations because I live in utter truth. YES … I do live in utter truth. I can’t even lie if the tea is too cold and I don’t appreciate other’s not being able to speak their truth to me.
Calm moved to rage and pride moved to shattered esteem.
I decided not to drain my business partner with the duality of my emotion because he’s on a roll and I didn’t feel it fair. Instead, from feeling engulfed with support I felt alone in the world, but that duality served a purpose too. I worked my little butt off … not out of spite and to ‘show them’ (all those who think I am failing or going to fail), but because I am a surviver and I believe enough in myself and my dreams.
My post starts with a beautiful picture and saying that a friend made just because she wanted to remind me of how much she loves and appreciates me. I stared into my own eyes and loved the light and joy that I shine into the world.
However, just a few moments prior my can opener broke and I had enough rage in those very eyes to take a knife to the can and literally stab and tear it open. If there were the need I might even have used me teeth.
One man let my down by ignoring me because I hurt him with my truth and another made my day by sending me a message that said “Keep it up girl, and never stop believing in yourself.”
One friend praised me for what I do and another said she can’t associate her business with my venture of empowering women through my Organic Orgasm talks.
I was the closest to having the most visits on my site in a day and then the furthest away when my hosting company failed me again and my site went down.
I cried with absolute self pity and then laughed with absolute self pride.
Yet, through it all I did some things I never thought I would do … I never forgot the beauty of it all. I honoured every emotion and every thought. I didn’t shy away from the hatred or anger and I didn’t try deny that I am perfect in my eyes. And when my friend sent me that beautiful gesture and perfect saying and I stared at the can I had just mutilated … I smiled at my truth that everything is (as always) exactly as it should be.
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published January 30th, 2011
It has been a very exciting week with so many reasons to be proud of me. Back to gym was the biggest of them.
It’s been a challenging week too with having to deal with money conversations with people I value more than a currency.
It’s been a bonding week where sibling rivalry and the power of truth has pulled my little sis and I together as the final days of to the wedding approach.
It has been a powerful week Lifeology and my blogs are changing direction and there is so much more clarity on what I want to do and how I want to do it.
That is why the last thing I expected, but the one thing I should have known happened in the middle of a shopping centre on a Sunny Saturday.
Out of the blue I just couldn’t take one more step. I know the warning signs when enough is enough and my back is demanding that I rest.
I know I have chosen the longer route to heal my sequestrated disk in my back, but I can’t tell you the number of people who have warned me against the back op … not that it’s in my nature to jump to an op anyway.
Of course the tears welled up and I was a bundle of frustration and nerves by the time I finally got back home. It was also a busy day at the house with all the nephews and siblings running about. Ipod in the ears and pumped up with medicine, I rested for the day … but today’s the big one.
As much as my sister and I have bonded, discussed our differences and loved shopping together, I just can’t do anything today. They are all off to see a play and my sis is abandoning my brother-in-law. I thought we would go for some lunch, but that won’t be happening either. Not because I don’t want to but because my body is shouting at me so loudly that I know not to risk it.
I have a flight to catch next week and a wedding the week after. I can’t risk being too hard on myself. It’s not easy because I thought I was done with the lying around to heal my back and trust me when I say there’s a big difference between chilling pain free and resting full of pain.
So that’s my Sunday … how’s yours?
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published January 26th, 2011
I’m so proud of me. My excitement that I went to gym, walked ten laps around the track and feel fabulous this morning is awesome. I’m thrilled that I can feel the difference between muscle pain and damaged disk pain. Of course I want to share it with everyone who has encouraged me, but there’s something I’m noticing. Despite everyone else’s pride and excitement, I’m getting a lot of ‘don’t overdo it’ lectures.
Me? Overdo it? Well I tried that with the Greggie and he double checked about 5 times to make sure that I’m sure that I have the overdo it personality. The Jock was a little better and kinda believed me after just one attempt at lecturing me. My little sis is obviously worried that I’m to hurt myself before my wedding and mother … well mothers just worry.
It was our usual Tuesday night get together and after realising that we have all done so well with sorting out some of the addict archetype, that it was time to move onto something else. We started by focusing on why we make the choices we do. Even down to the little choices of what time we wake up and why we have the routines we do. Well that didn’t go to well because our fearful issues kept us from getting anywhere. That’s it … deal with fear first.
Archetypically, fear and faith are governed by the prostitute archetype and it what it says it is: you sell your soul for fear of survival. I’ve been teaching archetypes for many years and Greggie and myself have a great passion for this work. We live it every day and one of the things that I hear us saying to every student and to ourselves all the time is, “you can’t have fear and faith at the same time.” It’s not possible to feel faith when you are afraid and fear would not have it’s place when faith is around.” I also believe that all you have to do is pick one. Yep … all you have to do!
Well before we could focus on the fear we had to pick something else first. Just one thing that we choose to do that might not be in the highest esteem. There nights are profound and life changing, but they are far from serious. I think by now you know that I believe we are here to have fun so there’s no way I’m not going to be rolling with laughter while trying to choose on thing I might do out of fear.
How rude … by the time Greggie and my mother where done with me they had a list as long as my arm. It’s a serious toss up between checking my stats obsessively, going to sleep before midnight, getting back into meditation and finding time to read. That’s why I’m sharing it with you, because you are wondering how things like this can be laced with feelings of fear … well they do, but that’s for next weeks Tuesday night. Right now I just have to be conscious of one of them while trying not to go to gym obsessively seeing that that was pointed out to me too.
I decided to begin last night after Greggie left and what do you know … I checked my stats about twice, climbed into bed too close to midnight to say I would be asleep by then, decided it was too late to meditate or read … and promised myself that I’d try again tomorrow! Guess what … it’s tomorrow!
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published January 25th, 2011
Please don’t tell me I’m the only one who does it? I think one of the most difficult things to do in this world is put the blinkers on and not look at the failures and successes of those around you.
Mine isn’t a jealousy thing. Sometimes I think I would be grateful if it was. Instead, mine manifests into a desperate need to drive myself even harder than I already am. I’m still adjusting to the reality that my lesson is to slow down a little and that I do work hard enough … smart enough still needs some work, but the dedication is more than there.
So days like yesterday are not great for me then and to sit here today and smile at what I did with it is a massive ‘project me’ achievement.
When it rains it pours and when every little drop questions my abilities, growth or achievements against someone else’s perception or accomplishments … well then it’s more like a hail storm.
One of the most important lessons that I think so many of us need to learn is that we never have to justify ourselves. I spent most of the day trying to work out if I’ve taken that too far. In business isn’t there a lot of justifying? And when the work day is filled with looking at other’s blogs, websites and stats or asking the questions about the value of my blog then my ‘you’re not working hard enough’ voice booms out at me.
I got home from work and cried from mere exhausting at all the brave new things that just one day was filled with. I handled a business meeting differently, am sending a quote for something I have never had to quote on before … the value of my time, and have been surprisingly healthy while dealing with the build up to my sister’s wedding and the looming move. Those are a lot of reasons to be proud of myself, but when the call came in and my friend with back problems too is doing so much better than me, the competitive meany in me kicked in again.
“Lazy!” “Overly cautious!” “Wimp!” … those are just a few of the words that I was calling myself and if it weren’t close to bed time I might have just gone to the gym straight away. It took me ages to calm myself down and remind myself that everyone heals differently and that I’m where I should be.
The reality is that it has been time to get moving for a while. It’s also been time to be a little bolder in the business world and start beating on my drum. It’s also time for me to start charging those who need my attention … and there is a lot of that!
Greggie is great at reminding me that each day all I need to do is one thing that scares me … and so this morning I got up and finally drove (first thing) to the gym (second thing). I put my Ipod in my ears and hit the track. With the first few steps I started to tell myself that I haven’t exercised in months and months and that if I just did 2 laps it would be awesome. The music filled my ears (Your sex is on fire!!) and lap one, two and three were pain free and great! Before I knew it I was heading to lap six and humming along to the music. By lap 8 had I had to promise myself to stop at 10!
Can you see that competition isn’t only with the outside world?
I couldn’t believe I was there, walking, sweating, pain free and proud of myself and I didn’t want to stop. I can’t figure out if it was my attempt at making up for the gym I’ve missed or worry that I would not be able to train in the future again. Either way, that mean side of me began to kick in and it took every ounce of consciousness and self love to stop at 10!!
I did and it made me want to cry once again! I am not exaggerating when I tell you that competition has filled my household my whole life. It even went down to who could make a better omelette or outshine the other for who a parent would listen to. I’m sure it happens in a lot of families and I’m sure it always lingers in other households too. Thanks to so much self reflection I have become aware of it and I’m ‘project me-ing’ myself through it … one step around the track at a time!
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published January 24th, 2011
Times are trying, I’m not gonna kid myself or paint a pretty picture. Not even kitty is a bundle of joy now that she’s turned into Jack the ripper and keeps jumping onto the parrot’s cage. There’s proof that we will always be who we intrinsically are. Kitty might be a bundle of cute and cuddly fur but she’s a hunter at the end of the day.
I’m a surviver and a glass half full girl, but it doesn’t make some days any easier.
Both days I shopped till I nearly dropped and for a body that hasn’t moved many muscles in over 6 months you had better believe that it was major exercise. This morning I have a different kind of ache with muscles and nerves letting me know just how much I pushed myself. I was determined to! I got everything I need for the wedding … including the bra.
At the same time I decided to finally buy the scale that my dedicated SlimLab sponsor, Niel, has been asking me to get. I’ve adjusted to the fact that weight is just a scientific number and I need to see if the science of my formulas is working.
I also finally bought myself something totally cute. I can’t tell you though because it’s for next Wednesday Lammas ceremony with my friends and I don’t want to ruin the surprise, but there will be pics, I promise!
Dashing around the shops and knowing that I have a little money to do with what I please had me drooling for a compilation Country music CD. Yes, I’m still in the arch ages of CD and don’t have the bandwidth to download music yet. All my friends are doing it and I’m about to jump on the bandwagon when we move and I can get some uncapped bandwidth … welcome to South Africa.
With gym coming back into my schedule and the fact that music is vital for my peace of mind and sanity, all I wanted was a little bit of a few of my favourites. I can’t afford to be buying each of my favourites JUST YET so maybe just a CD that had a handful of great artists with fantastic songs from last year would have been ideal. A little Keith Urban, Rascall Flatts, Kenny Chesney and a dash of Martina McBrida, Sugarland and not forgetting some Tim McGraw. Not in this town … sorry for me!
I get my Country fix from a satellite music channel so I can’t choose what I want to hear. I am a fan of all my faves on my Facebook so I get messages like “Martina just released her new album” and I know I might hear a song or two in about a year or two. It’s frustrating enough but to be guided to half a row of Country compilations and to have Kenny Rogers, Dolly Parton and Johnny Cash staring back at me is just vomit! I think the last time they imported a compilation was 1982! When I asked for anything more recent the dude actually looked at me as though I had fallen off a bucking horse, legs in the air.
It’s Monday … not the best one, but I’m doing everything in my power to pull it together and be productive. I think I’m gonna walk into Greggie’s house and burst out crying but then it’s sort myself out for a big meeting with my super sponsor, Bruce Young. I have changed on the blog to make and little tweaks hear and there. I need to be focused and it would be so much easier if I had a little Country on my Ipod! The most frustrating thing is that what is so simple for the rest of the world is so tedious in mine!
Oh, while I’m complaining (which I hardly ever do … lol) Youtube is not blocking videos too, so it’s dwindling more than you will ever know.
This one’s still around for me … Number 1 at the moment, Kenny Chesney Somewhere with you!
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published January 22nd, 2011
It’s the first Saturday morning in ages that my schedule has so many possibilities. Despite the fact that I can’t act on them because my car battery is flat is totally besides the point. Just the fact that I can think about climbing in my car and driving to the shops or that my gym stuff is laid out on the couch and ready to put on at some point in the day is fabulous.
Yesterday was an awesome body stress release treatment with Dan and when he told me to only call for another appointment when I felt I needed it, well that was the cherry on top. I know it might seem as though I have been stalling climbing into my car and driving or dashing out to the gym, but I really have been petrified that I would do more damage to my back and it’s now my sister’s wedding around the corner.
Yesterday something changed. Well, it’s been a slow change thanks to my very conscious ‘project me’ push to step into my assertive and bold personality. Everyone can feel it. Not to say it hasn’t caused a few upsets with friends and family so far, but this journey is about being kind to me and hoping that everyone will do the same for themselves. We all have to walk away and lick our wounds at some point in our lives. I have been doing a lot of wound licking and had such an massive cry on Thursday that contact lenses were not an option on day 387. It felt good and the result was the opposite to what I thought. My sister, brother, mom and I gathered for a very happy dinner and we got the seating plan for the wedding done and dusted. If that doesn’t cause world war 3 then we are getting somewhere thanks to truth.
On the note of it being only 3 weeks away from the wedding. I did think that I would feel a little better about slipping into my (not so little) black number. I love my outfit and am not far off from feeling comfortable in it. The weight waters points system is working despite a few hectic eating moments thanks to the stresses around me. The SlimLab is definitely keeping me from eating a house, but I couldn’t be happier that the timing in life is always perfect.
Without having to say too much, Dan gave me the go ahead to get to gym, get in the car and get my life back. I think I have done enough thinking about my body, relating to myself and research to know that I’m not going to snap in half if I put my body under some physical strain. Of course, no squats, weights, bending or running though.
No obsessive eating behaviour either. Than means no living on cucumbers and tomatoes and not nourishing the body. I can do this, right?
It’s shoe shopping day for the wedding and then a little friendship time with Hustler Girl. In that time I have to bat my eyelashes at my brother (or promise to buy him food) and get him to start my car so that I can see the inside of the gym for more than just a weigh in!
Wow, I thought this day would never get here 
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published January 19th, 2011
My beautiful palm tree
There are thing happening all around me and I have a whole lot of reasons to cry and fall apart. ‘Project me’ is about knowing that everything is as it should be and that I am that powerful that I will make all the pieces fall into place. That isn’t an affirmation where I am still trying to convince myself – it’s a knowing! I am that strong and I am that brave.
Despite the fact that builders have invaded our house and we have notification that we need to be out by July, I have held it all together. Besides the fact that the business isn’t financially secure, just yet, for me to move into my own place tomorrow, I have a sunny disposition. Never mind that my sister’s wedding in about 23 days away and I am watching her struggle and stress as the day gets closer. Remembering the point that my father’s estate is still not wound up and I am watching it put a whole lot of stresses and pressures on my mother. Then there’s the little point of my back taking ages to heal and my fear of getting back to the gym in case I do any further damage. Oh … and not forgetting the I”M STILL SINGLE bit!
Surely there are enough things in there to make a girl shed a tear or two? What’s the thing that brings me to tears?
We have sold the house we live in and builders are all around us turning it into offices. (Yes, it’s that big!) That means there is no more care for the garden or the fact that my dad planted the banana tree they cut down yesterday and they are going to cut down my beautiful palm tree to make way for parking – not even a building, just a parking bay.
It’s not like I’m going to chain myself to trees in the near future, but there is a part of me that really is bonded to nature. I was born that way. I have always believed that everything is made from the same Source and therefore everything has life! So … when the hacking started and the powerful green leaves hit the ground one branch at a time … this girl cried … a lot!
My best friend is logical and told me the tree wasn’t indigenous! It pained me to communicate with him for the rest of the day. Who gets to pick and choose what life to merely hack away at because it’s going to hamper an entire building site? Irrational? Well this is the one irrational side of me then … the tree hugger in me is having a horrible time.
We are waiting to hear how long we can still stay in the house for and my silent prayer is: “Don’t take down my palm tree until I’m far, far away from here!)
This isn’t new … it dates back to when I was a little girl and my dad sent us all shopping and told us while we were away he would be cutting three branches off our grand tree that shaded the house. Lying daddy cut the tree and only left the stump. Till the day he died (because I never let it go) he always said he kept his promise and cut only three branches. Yes, there were three huge branches that were the foundation of that tree once they were gone there was only a stump.
In another breath, my dad built this very house that we live in around a huge palm tree … yep, they cut that one down a few days ago!
Greggie had a tree destroying the wall of his house and he had to sit down with me and explain exactly why it was detrimental to his home, all the other trees and to the potential safety of his animals and passers by that he cut down the tree. I didn’t go visit on that fateful day.
And my favourite … there once was this very cute man! He was a tree feller … I said: “Oh, you’re the man who murders tree!”
Yes … I put this song on repeat and prayed for the souls of those who cut down innocent trees … sigh!
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published December 11th, 2010
I get to pick and choose anything I want to share with the world. I decide if I want to tell all my friends or none at all. It’s my call if I mention it in a ‘project me’ post or if I want to keep it to myself. It’s not what I choose to share that is of relevance, but why I choose not to share it.
When it comes to my integrity in life, I always know that if I can’t share it with Greggie then I am about to do something that I know I shouldn’t be doing. It’s been an incredible gift that I have given myself by using my choice of sharing as a benchmark for my own truth. Continue reading
Published November 25th, 2010
I know, it's totally gross!
I’m sharing the grossness of my skin because it’s very indicative of how I’m feeling today. I think the frustration, drained energy and fatigue has finally started to surface and I need to do a few things different.
It’s an interesting time for ‘project me’ and my me-ness! Over the past few days I have more and more signs that the tides are changing and I’m on the road to a very interesting journey. Continue reading
