Project Me Goddess

Posts Tagged With 'Goddess'

When there’s no U turn ahead – project me day 822

Posted by jodene April 03, 2012 2 Comments »

I’m drinking coffee … with sugar!

That’s a good indication of the space I’m in. Well, maybe it’s not the wisest idea to drive the hysterical rush of emotion and realisation with coffee, but I keep a sugar free and pretty healthy house, so when the wheels fall off, I realise the errors of my way. Nothing unhealthy here but sugar … and coffee.

Why the hysteria? Why the chaos?

Well, I’ve had a very interesting realisation or two in the last few hours and it’s gonna take some processing. Firstly, for the first time in ages, I’m thrilled to be blogging. That’s one of the huge epiphanies!
When I started the blog I had other teaching outlets and my blogging space wasn’t meant for that. It’s something that I’ve managed to do for well over 800 days, but today something happened … and I think it changed my blogging space … maybe forever. There’s something about having moments of consciousness that I’ve always wanted to share with the world and in a moment of absolute chaos today, all I wanted to do was get home and blog my thoughts, my lessons and my moment of consciousness:

I’ve woken up jittery over the past few days, battled to blog over the past few weeks and not been able to see my bravery or awesomeness through the noise of fear and chaos in my head. I’m very good at reminding myself that I have the ability to operating in pure face and I have glimmers of slipping into that space of faith, before heading back into the drama of life.
I had one of those days today, where the day was filled with opportunity, yet I was literally so nervous that I wanted to curl away and face everything another day. A great distraction came when Greggie needed to fetch his car from a service and I thought that would be a great way to waste time. The other side of me, the faithless side, hates driving that route when there’s lots of traffic and I wanted to fetch Pat first so he could do the driving. He was out …

It was supposed to be easy enough.
Then the traffic light turned red and Greggie was a whole lot of car ahead of me. I could see him on the corner, but the second traffic light caught me and at the T junction I was lost.

Panic!!

Luckily Pat’s GPS was in the car, so I grabbed it (couldn’t find the bracket, of course) and found ‘home’. Sadly I had already taken the wrong road and I had no idea where the hell I was. The GPS told me to keep right and I, holding it in my hand because the clip was nowhere to be seen, I got too flustered to move lanes and missed the turn AGAIN!
Greggie called and I didn’t have time to talk because I was hysterical, but chatted for long enough for him to tell me that I was on the right road. Never mind the fact that I was holding GPS in my hand and at the top of the screen I could see that it was taking me home.

All of a sudden I had no choice but to calm down and trust the process. Um … isn’t that the fundamental life message?
I had a guiding light in my hands, knew that it would take me to where I needed to go and even if I took the wrong turn, it would still find my home. It would make any road the right the road, even if it meant going the long way round, but all I had to do was calm down, have faith and trust the process.

Wow, for someone so connected to myself, to Goddess, to the consciousness of the power of faith, I sure don’t have the ‘calm’ to trust t process. That’s the issue. I have faith, but I’m not calm in the space of having faith. I doubt the very signs that guide me. I doubt my ability to look around and see what I know (as Greggie pointed out, I’ve driven that route with him dozens of times).

I’m on a road. It’s the right one. It might not lead me directly to where I want to go because of the choices I’ve made along the way, but it’s taking me home.
That’s the trickiest part of all … the part where you first have to know where home is. That’s where your dreams lie waiting for you to find them. That’s where the pot of gold is at the end of the rainbow. I’m fortunate enough to know where my ‘home’ is … and maybe I should share the story of how I got to know what … Tomorrow!

With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour

A dose of get over yourself – project me day 532

Posted by jodene June 16, 2011 2 Comments »

It really is a choice and I woke up having to make one!

I’ll go into all the finer details of today’s ‘project body’ weigh-in on Sunday, but today is about my attitude more than my activities. I don’t have a tattoo on my back for nothing. It’s not symbol of the goddess holding the moon for nothing either. Everyone always asks me which goddess and I usually stutter in avoidance of having to explain myself, but the explanation is beautiful.
I have been meditating for years (in spurts) and still have to live what I teach when it comes to that point. It was pointed out to me by Greggie during our Tuesday night pow wow. I’m the teacher who reiterates how important it is to push through on what you know is good for you when times are tough, yet I totally suck at it. The first thing I always give up when the wheels start to fall off is my meditations, tantra and goddess work. I’ve made every excuse in the book and mostly blame not living on my own even though I consciously chose to move with my mom … so that excuse is just another excuse.

I’m sure it’s no news to you when I say that we all avoid what will give us the most confidence or power because then it makes up have to stand up and do something. I find that confidence and power in the combination of my meditaiton, tantra, dragon rituals and goddess work.

Last night’s full, eclipsing moon gave me the biggest slap on the back of the head and I must have come across as totally disconnected during dinner with friends last night. I couldn’t believe it! I couldn’t believe that a few years ago I would have had a totally different experience and last night I half acknowledged the moon. I was aware that there would be an eclipse and before I would have had a whole evening planned. The dinner wouldn’t have even interfered. It would have involved a special moonlight bath with my moonlight soap, candles, incense and meditation. I thought about it but just let it pass like all the other full, new and quarterly moons.

Only when the edge of the moon started to turn a blackish red did every part of my being yearn for something that is so a part of my life. We say that we can’t believe someone wouldn’t give up an addiction for someone they love … well I could totally relate last night. Not being able to face doing something that has been the foundation of my beliefs and the way I live my life, was a massive wake up call last night.

Miraculously, I woke up with a very ready attitude. I can’t even explain it but it just felt like the familiar me. As if no time passed at all, I did my meditation, burned the incense, said my thanks to the goddess and received a message from a dragon. I did thinks I haven’t done since I moved back home with my mom and I have no idea why I just couldn’t bring myself to do them. Another thing that Greggie is trying to show me is to let something go and not be so hard on myself …. So I’m not going to even try and work out why it took so long. All I know is that it’s back … that part of me that I know makes me feel most powerful is back!

Talking about backs … I would like to introduce you to the goddess that holds the moon on my back. Years ago I went through a rough time that literally made me not care about myself at all. I finally took a few steps to heal and found a teacher (well she found me) who taught me so much of what I know. One of my greatest journeys with her was through meditation where I went on a journey to meet my Higher Self. For the longest time all I ever saw was a faceless woman all covered in black who was hunched over and old … not a very pretty sight for a Higher Self. For almost a year I couldn’t see anything more than this faceless old hag. Then something changed … within me! I started the journey of tantra (self tantra to be exact) and started exploring goddess work. Slowly the meditations became more intense and the woman started to change. To cut a very beautiful and long story short … eventually the most magical of energies emerged (yes, this can all take place in meditation if you choose to make it alive and real) and one day she told me her name … Leonette!! She has never left my side … even in the times when I ignore her most of all!

Hence … this day and this post is step one of getting over myself!

PS … tomorrow is day one of water aerobics and I’m pooping myself but doing it anyway! I can’t wait to introduce you to Patrick on Sunday. I also can’t say I’m thrilled to post the weight, body fat percentage and whatever else Patricks measure and calculates … but that’s yet another step of seriously having to get over myself!

With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour

The unconventional SUPERSTAR – project me day 427

Posted by jodene March 03, 2011 6 Comments »

What is the point of being my own boss if I don’t understand the concept of working in my own time, setting my own benchmarks and clocking out when I’m ready? Even when I was at my most immobile with my back, I hardly ever clocked out. That might have meant my head ticking over with ideas, but it was still work, work, work.

Yesterday was an experience for me. I woke up jealous that kitty would get to lie around all day. Got dressed into my gym clothes at 7, dragged myself through my daily blog post and then managed to stall getting to gym until just after 10. The whole time I was promising myself that I would work as soon as I got home. I would work until the moment I had to go to dinner with friends and I would work when I got back from dinner. That would make up for any wasted time.

This coming from a recovered (okay, recovering) workaholic is never a good sign. I work my little behind off and one day of total apathy is not going to spin me into a downward spiral of failure.

I did it … I actually did it … I had a nothing day!
It’s amazing to learn the ‘project me’ less that when you give yourself a gift of doing something different you are showered with other gifts.

One was getting to spend time with Greggie and my dearest Twinkletoes where I can be me and I didn’t have to explain me need for nothingness. It was my day to escape and upon Greggie’s suggestion we ended up watching the one movie that shows me how far I have come in my life.

When all else fails … watch Superstar!!!

I could see a smudge of horror spread across Twinkletoes’ face at some scenes that could be deemed totally off the wall, inappropriate or ridiculously goofy. The very times when I was howling with laughter most of all. I have seen this movie way more than a dozen times since I first saw it when I was as nerdy as Mary Katherine herself and so I can imagine someone watching it for the first time and wondering why I love it so much. Granted, I didn’t snog trees but I was dreaming of a first real kiss at that time.

I was a very late bloomer in the kissing, fondling and sexing department. I was also hiding a very quirky personality at that stage and was envious that Mary Katherine had the courage to speak to trees, candles and her very hip version of God. Actually, I did speak to trees, candles and my very cool version of God, but it wasn’t shamelessly.

One of the greatest gifts the movie gave me was the ability to form my own relationship with whomever existed in my Universe. To have my own version of God, Goddess and whatever I chose. Yesterday I sat there and questioned if any part of it were offensive?
When I was growing up as a Jewish girl, my best friend at the time was Catholic. I went to mass, could say the rosary and knew which saint to call on for what miracle. I was equally dedicate to Hebrew and Shul at another stage of my life, but my relationship with my God was not that formal. I needed to make friends with the Universe and everyone in it.
I feel like I’m explaining myself, but that’s because Twinkletoes really did gasp in horror at some points and because I am forming a bond with someone who is very Catholic. Maybe I’m nervous about the domino effect of my truth?

Either way, I indulged every moment of a movie that reminds me of who I was and what I have become. In my own right I do dream of being a Superstar. In my own way I am that off the wall and quirky and in my very own way I do have my own relationship with the Gods.

On all three, I don’t flinch!
On all three, I take pride in who I am!

I got totally plastered last night. Yep, the drunk kind. Something else I hardly ever do. I’m a little reputation obsessed at times and drunk giggles and snorting laughs is not a side I like to show often. This morning I feel the need to call everyone and tell them I don’t do that often but that would be super silly! This morning I also feel like absolute poop … that’s just a FYI!

Anyway, I feel as though I’m rambling but the point of the profound ‘project me’ message is that we all have it in us to dream the impossible dream and become our own Superstar, have the perfect kiss and form our own relationship with the God (and in my case Goddess) that we choose.

SUPERSTAR!!!

PS … for those of you who haven’t ever seen it … here’s the totally off the wall trailer and hats off to Molly Shannon of Saturday Night Live for creating this amazing character and sharing such an incredible message in the most inappropriate way

PPS … next time you can choose the movie, Twinkletoes.

With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour

It’s what friends do – project me day 398

Posted by jodene February 02, 2011 2 Comments »

Treated like a princess by Twinkletoes

Your eyes have not deceived you. I am blogging at a crazy hour. It’s barely 6am here in the Southern Hemisphere but I have such an exciting day ahead of me that I’m not surprised I couldn’t wait to jump out of bed and get started.

It’s just a pity that the shops I need to go to, friends I need to chat to and siblings I need to ask a little help from are all still asleep or closed. So you have me for me a while otherwise I know I’m gonna make noise loud enough to maybe wake a sibling

For the first time since I did a Thanksgiving dinner, (back in 2004 after my family home with my business in it burned down) I am opening up my home to my friends for a sacred event. We don’t celebrate Thanksgiving in South Africa, hence the big mention. Actually, most things in the Southern Hemisphere are a little odd when it comes to tradition, so brace yourself for Christmas in July down the road.

My life is an open book. Well it has to be to blog freely like this, yet the only thing that I held very private (not necessarily for the right reasons) was the fact that I am a practicing … um … I never know whether to say Pagan, Wiccan, Goddess Girl, Free Spirited Soul … it’s all labels anyway. Whatever I am, I work with the moon and follow the earthly festivals that are correct for my hemisphere. I am stressing that because when everyone celebrates Halloween in October here I want to go nuts … it’s a Winter festival, but that’s only important to me. This year I decided to share it with my friends and let the world in to the last sacred thing that I have not shared. Well, that’s what friends do, isn’t it?

Tomorrow’s blog will be all about the festival, but traditionally I wake up and hold the energy of the day with me until I do my traditional rituals at the end of it. So I’m up, with much excitement and I’m thinking about what I want to carry with me into the next quarter of my year. All I can think about is my friends.

Family might be rocky, boys might break my heart, money might be hiding and health might be temporarily fragile … but my friends are incredibly solid. My friends are magical. I am one of the luckiest women but I might just think that it’s natural to be so blessed with friends.

Then I walked into Twinkletoes’ house yesterday for what I thought would be a simple breakfast with a friend or two. Only Twinkletoes would have put on a lavish spread the way he did. I can’t remember when last I was so flattered by an act of kindness straight from the heart. Once again, in mid mouthful of an elaborately scrumptious breakfast, I had to remind myself that this is special and not always just what friends do. Thank you Twinkletoes for being beyond a precious friends.

Then there are the other precious friends, like Irvie, who I truly do adore after I’ve calmed myself down and adjusted to his personality. I think I spend my life reflecting back and then saying a little ‘sorry’ to my wildly passionate friend. For me, this is totally natural too … to be able to tell a friend off then make it all better and then tell them off a few weeks (ok days) later. That’s what friends do, isn’t it? No secrets. No telling someone else that your friend drove you a little nuts by misunderstanding your personality or by doing something straight from the heart. I do love and adore you for every little crazy thing you do Irvie. Thank you for thinking me worthy and sharing me with the world … us Librans can be a little over protective of our hearts at times.

Then there are the rest of my amazingly precious friends who so openly wanted to share tonight’s festivities with me. No one rolled an eye or said WTF when I sent out an invite for an unusual evening. No matter if their religious or spiritual views differ, everyone is gather to share something so precious to me. I can’t say that’s what friends do because it’s not something I have done before.

Yesterday my friend Nikki, who I have never met, never spoken to and never hugged, posted a little video of the snow falling. I don’t think I even noticed the snow because I clung to hearing her voice … I can’t believe I bumped into her blog somewhere down the line and now we have a bond that outshines times and space.
Robbie wasn’t a work yesterday and all we do is say ‘Hi’ on Facebook or send cheeky comments to each other’s Twitter … yet my day was totally incomplete.
All these unusual moments are the gift I have given myself in friendship and not necessarily what friends just do. It has been a huge ‘project me’ realisation to get that I created these friendship and just how different they might actually be

It fascinates me, that at a time of such reflection, just how chaotic my life is and yet I feel the stability of friends helping me hold it all together. Now that’s what friends do …

With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour

The diary of a self esteem – project me day 383

Posted by jodene January 18, 2011 2 Comments »

Dear diary

It’s very seldom that I don’t feel like blogging for the world to see and allowing everyone into my head and my heart.

There is a fortune going on between the notification that we have to be out of the house by July and little sis’s wedding in about 25 days time. The events are all very exciting but issues of money are tampering with the esteem and the outlook on the momentous occasions.

Wasn’t yesterday great? With all the planning for the growth of the blog and how damn confident am I of what I want and deserve? Then do you have any idea why I got home and after hitting that crazy wave of exhaustion, I hit a complete downer?
It’s annoying me that I have to tell everyone that I had a nice binge eat to cope with the wavering esteem. Well I could focus on the better part of the esteem and say I shoveled healthy(er) crackers down my throat instead of half a dozen slices of bread.

I don’t mind sharing that I’m dealing with the elevator phobia! That’s a good distraction and a nice boost for the esteem. But then again I have only really adjusted to the one at Twinkletoe’s apartment and I can’t spend my life only visiting him.
That was huge for the esteem actually. Usually I only share the madness of my mind and the shame that plagues me with Greggie and my mom. I know I’m getting better at blogging about it, but I haven’t really let another friend in to hear some of the madness that goes on. It was great to let Twinkletoes in, even though I had a few moments of ‘pass me the wine’ to get through the truths. There was the low freak out esteem part of only owning a fridge at my age. I mean really, I’m the girl who know that value and worth is not material and my esteem is high in the clouds when knowing what I can manifest. A fridge today and all I can dream of tomorrow. Maybe it’s not so bad to let everyone see how irrational the esteem can be, after all, that is what I want to share as a teacher, right?

One of the things I pride myself in is not only showing the world the well put together, positive affirmations, all is rosy girl! That’s super high esteem as it is.

Not forgetting that I stuck to a huge ‘project me’ promise and invited my dearest friends to Lammas,the first Pagan festival,of the year. No hesitations! No regrets! Just a great pride in my beliefs and an excitement that I’m sticking to my ‘project me’ promises and that my path is so beautiful and very me. That’s not to say that I won’t mess with the esteem as it gets closer to the time considering I shall be showing my alter and a simple version of some pagan gratitude to mother earth and a few gods and goddesses. Huge esteem Jodene, well done you!!

Why then, with all the positivity, exciting things to look forward to and glimmers of greatness, don’t I feel like blogging at all? Not that I’m not gonna … right? This is me!! The girl who sees the glass half full! So enough hiding from the world, but thanks for being there for me to rant a little and build up that esteem until I felt ready enough to blog … which is now!

With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour