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Published May 6th, 2011
The other day I put on my Blackberry messenger status that the only thing constant is change. Some people have positive affirmations, other people remind themselves to breathe and I churn the reality into my head … the only thing constant is change! It’s a common saying but to let it sink in has made a lot of my life liquid is the most positive of ways … in my opinion!
I remember having coffee with a friend years ago. I had started the novel, though of the childen’s book, dabbled in social networking and still owned the Spa and recruitment agency while announcing that Greg and I were considering partnership. Instead of praising me or supporting me he told me that I sound all over the place. A huge part of ‘project me’ has been to trust my personality and not allow other people’s perception of me change me. If I did that then the change would be so out of integrity and that would be a huge ‘project me’ fail.
In the last 24 hours I’ve had to chant ‘the only thing constant is change’ and almost do a little chanting dance to convince myself that I am equipped to trust the change.
It’s been on again, off again negotiation deals with business and one thing I’ve learned is that nothing is a deal until there are all the signatures on a dotted line. My dad was a big one for the loyal handshake but I don’t think times are the same anymore and the anticipation is biting at my nature a bit. So one moment I’m all systems go and the next I’m holding back for that pen to paper moment … but for some reason I know it’s worth fighting for.
At the same time I’m trying to organise ‘project me day 500′. What started out as the thought of a little gathering has grown into a sizable event with special guests, sponsors and media. All had fallen into place so nicely, besides the fact that Greg and my little sis spent hours fighting to get the invitation layout email friendly. The fight finally ended at some ridiculous hour and we called it a night without invites going out. Thank heavens because the venue have their own changes that they need to deal with and they can’t accommodate the function. So after this post goes live a new fight begins. The fight to make this day a success and the event that I know I deserve for each and every day put into this blog and this way of choosing to live.
My last fight is a difficult one to explain to the world unless you have ever had one of those friendships. One of those friendships that sometimes does you the most harm and isn’t fighting for at all and then the same friend emerges with a retaliation filled with patience, admittance of miscommunication and the willingness to give it their all. It’s like table tennis with The Jock and myself and friends can insert an eye roll here. But after the ‘fight’ last week, which he doesn’t consider a fight at all and after not pulling through for me in the way I think a friend should … he didn’t see it as a fight at all, but rather what friends go through. I can’t even say I had a leg to stand on because in reverse, this is what Twinkletoes and I went though. I was telling him that friends fight and then they say sorry and it’s acceptable so why don’t the same rules apply to The Jock? Maybe they do! Maybe they don’t … but an hour and a half phone call and truth and I’m sorry’s and I want to fight for this (on both sides) is something I believe in.
So boxing gloves on … then boxing gloves … and boxing gloves on again … because the only thing constant is change!
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published May 5th, 2011
Since I started blogging I’m very proud of the way I have managed to feel my way around things and get a grip on other things. I’ve been feeling around in the dark and learning the power of swapping favours and saying the right things at the right time … you know I’m talking about my wordpress blog, right?
Ok, there’s been a little feeling other things in the dark but that’s for a totally different converstation. Today it’s about the little things in life that are frustrating the hell out of me.
Here’s a reminder that I’m not in the positivity movement and don’t have to pretend that everything in life is peachy just in case I attract something negative while uttering my truth. I’m also not into thinking that speaking the frustrations makes me a miserable person. If anything, I admit my truths and do something about them!
How did this all come about? Well it’s a toss up between the “A” falling off of my keyboard this morning and it wobbling around while I type right now and the annoying call I keep getting from a certain guy who thinks sweeping things under the carpet works for me.
But most of all … it’s the SNL I can’t get rid of on my freaking blog. You can see it, right? It’s glaringly obvious, just under the Tweet button and it’s been there ever since I loaded the newest Facebook plugin. Don’t tell me to remove it because it took me ages to find a button that actually did what I want to do. Don’t tell me to get someone to help because I’m slowly learning that, no matter how much someone loves or cares about you, it’s always a mission to do that one little thing. Don’t tell me to pay someone because right now, it would have to go to the other kind of SNL as a payment exchange.
It’s always those little things that I end up wasting precious time over. So I’m annoyed. I’m annoyed that A’s pop off, SNL’s don’t go away and that friends and boys don’t think.
Friends don’t think that the only thing anyone wants is truth. Ok, all that I want is the truth. I don’t care about many other qualities besides that truth because my most valued asset is the power to choose and it’s impossible to choose from a lie.
The oldest line in the book is: “I didn’t want to hurt you!” The only thing that ever hurts someone is knowing that a friend lied to them. The truth does something different … it gives everyone the option to decide if they want to be hurt or not. So my friend kept something from me because he said he knew it would hurt me. It did hurt me but hearing via the grapevine pissed me off.
I’m this girl who truly doesn’t get the point of not just saying the truth. There really is no other option but what you really think or really mean … is there? Am I that naive?
You don’t even have to sit there and think it’s so easy for me because every day I fight things that could truly perpetuate lies. I’m tempted by someone who is in a relationship and that would make for another real SNL scenario, but this is always my benchmark in my life. If I can’t tell my best friend … and now, if I can’t blog about it, them I’m out of my integrity. Yes, I could tell my best friend that I was having an affair and we could both rationalise it that I’m single so I’m not the once cheating … but the bottom line for me is truth. If I can’t tell the truth at a party or I have to keep a secret in case the truth leaks out, then I just don’t do it. Oh … so I think I’ve spoken about boys and friends here.
Don’t lie to me and don’t make me lie … it’s as simple as that! And when I carry that around with me while trying to get A’s back on keyboards and SNL’s off wordpress blogs … well then the littlest thing just pisses me off!
PS … loving my day! Loving the sunshine on a winter morning! Loving me! Loving you! … So don’t anyone tell me to fix my attitude or think positive thoughts … ok? Good … seriously, I do love you!
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published January 22nd, 2011
It’s the first Saturday morning in ages that my schedule has so many possibilities. Despite the fact that I can’t act on them because my car battery is flat is totally besides the point. Just the fact that I can think about climbing in my car and driving to the shops or that my gym stuff is laid out on the couch and ready to put on at some point in the day is fabulous.
Yesterday was an awesome body stress release treatment with Dan and when he told me to only call for another appointment when I felt I needed it, well that was the cherry on top. I know it might seem as though I have been stalling climbing into my car and driving or dashing out to the gym, but I really have been petrified that I would do more damage to my back and it’s now my sister’s wedding around the corner.
Yesterday something changed. Well, it’s been a slow change thanks to my very conscious ‘project me’ push to step into my assertive and bold personality. Everyone can feel it. Not to say it hasn’t caused a few upsets with friends and family so far, but this journey is about being kind to me and hoping that everyone will do the same for themselves. We all have to walk away and lick our wounds at some point in our lives. I have been doing a lot of wound licking and had such an massive cry on Thursday that contact lenses were not an option on day 387. It felt good and the result was the opposite to what I thought. My sister, brother, mom and I gathered for a very happy dinner and we got the seating plan for the wedding done and dusted. If that doesn’t cause world war 3 then we are getting somewhere thanks to truth.
On the note of it being only 3 weeks away from the wedding. I did think that I would feel a little better about slipping into my (not so little) black number. I love my outfit and am not far off from feeling comfortable in it. The weight waters points system is working despite a few hectic eating moments thanks to the stresses around me. The SlimLab is definitely keeping me from eating a house, but I couldn’t be happier that the timing in life is always perfect.
Without having to say too much, Dan gave me the go ahead to get to gym, get in the car and get my life back. I think I have done enough thinking about my body, relating to myself and research to know that I’m not going to snap in half if I put my body under some physical strain. Of course, no squats, weights, bending or running though.
No obsessive eating behaviour either. Than means no living on cucumbers and tomatoes and not nourishing the body. I can do this, right?
It’s shoe shopping day for the wedding and then a little friendship time with Hustler Girl. In that time I have to bat my eyelashes at my brother (or promise to buy him food) and get him to start my car so that I can see the inside of the gym for more than just a weigh in!
Wow, I thought this day would never get here 
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published December 22nd, 2010
You know that saying ‘it doesn’t rain but it pours?’ Well it’s officially true. I’m a big believer that nothing is real until you have experienced it or chosen to believe it. Some beliefs are chosen without a lesson having to be learned … and then there is the other way. You know, the one you wish you hadn’t woken up for?
I’m having one of those days.
To clear it up, I might not be singing in the rain, but at least I’m not crying. Instead, I’m drinking hot chocolate and have plowed my way through half a packet of biscuit. Why you ask? Oh where to begin … Continue reading
Published November 30th, 2010
It’s been an interesting ‘project me’ day.
After ending yesterday in such pain and crisis, I was pleasantly surprised to feel so positive and unafraid of a backward spiral with my back injury. I think I needed to have a mini relapse and wake up knowing that some rest, a positive attitude and a bit of confidence in my body helps to begin a new day.
I’m not popping anti inflammatories like I did and something about today just felt different. Continue reading
Published July 27th, 2010
Pretty but impractical vs Dud gay best friend
If you ask Greggie his first impression of me when we met he’ll say he thought I was a drama queen, which is so cheap coming from a queen. Granted, it’s difficult to tell that Greggie is gay unless you have brilliant gaydar or are in close proximity of a Shirley Bassey song. I know I’ve said it before, but my image of the perfect gay guy/straight girl friendship was Will and Grace. Just remove the totally codependent, inability to tell each other the truth and very much dysfunctional and totally unhealthy friendship, Greggie and I are pretty much Will and Grace.
Greggie calls me pretty but impractical and I refer to him as my dud gay best friend. Continue reading
Published July 14th, 2010I love updating my Facebook status. Don’t really care who reads it or what anyone thinks of me because of them. I just care that there’s a place to splash out a thought, a moment and a reflection of who I am on a daily basis. My Facebook is riddled with friends and family and if I really cared I think I would sensor it a little more. But I’ve learned that being me is so much more fun that pretending to be someone else.
So I lost a day of the ‘project me’ blog and as I realised I tossed a status out there: ‘Lost a day!’ … Continue reading
Published June 8th, 2010Nothing is meaningless. No one actually does something for no reason at all. Not even the Facebook poke.
I remember my humble introductions to Facebook and feeling my way around making friends and joining a whole bunch of pointless applications and groups. I also remember receiving a message from a friend who told me to ‘poke them back’ … how rude! Continue reading
Published June 2nd, 2010Admittedly, I can’t blog for long today (being halfway through day 152) because I’ve managed to waste more than half of it forcing myself into positive spaces … but that’s for tomorrow’s blog.
Today, I just have to get through this so that I can finally do some work for the first time in a good few days. I miss my sparkling personality and spunk for writing and getting through the days with a positive attitude. That’s why I did the fun blog yesterday and found all of my favourite things. Oh boy, did I have fun! I felt the little ray of “everything’s going to be ok” come bursting through the window and … the phone rang! Continue reading
Published May 18th, 2010Even though I’ve got a dear friend who’s helped me prep for this afternoon’s tattoo and I’m more than a thousand percent sure that I want this beautiful piece of art that is symbolic and permanent … I can’t help but admit that yesterday was consumed with the distracting fears of the needle.
Text Guy thinks I’ll chicken out just before and Mr Big was surprisingly impressed that I was following through. Little did he know that something he said was the final confirmation that I was born to have this tattoo. Continue reading
