Jodene is the co-founder of:
and founder of:
Published October 21st, 2011
I know Twitter. I strategise, plan and support people with their branding and the voice they want to get out into the world. I’ve got impressive numbers and all that jazz, but nothing will ever be more valuable to me about Twitter than a bunch of crazy girls.
I have plans. It has a lot to do with social media and a whole lot more to do with lots of bucks, but it will never be of more value than a bunch of loud and very giggly girlfriends.
Yes, awesome Twitter things happened yesterday and Lifeology were officially appointed as the social media strategists for Nkosi’s Haven and all I wanted to do was share it with the most supportive crowd of girls I’ve ever been blessed to know.
Last night was Twit inspired beyond belief and even though it was the 4th anniversary (I figured that out by default and am not that date obsessed … I hope ;p) I was in the happiest place I could be.
There’s this girl, you see and she fell in love with this boy. Wow, my blog has been laced with love stories of late … anyway … so this girl and this guy fell in love. My favourite part is when I tell you that they met over Twitter and last night was a surprise farewell for this very special friend.
Since the beginning of the week, the challenge has been for 8 avid Twitterers to not let the cat out the bag. 8 girls who Tweet about everything now have to shut the hell up! Um … well, we did it! We managed to hold our Tweet fingers still for a little over a week and surprise our dearest friend @pixelslave10.
Twitter is my income, my passion, my career and my leap of faith, but most of it, it’s the place where some of my most precious friendships began. That’s why I started #FollowSA!!! Because of the limitless possibility of a Tweet and the proof that one Twit (or 
can change your life.
I laughed myself silly! I felt my heart cry! I shared my happiness! I spoke my fears … with the most amazing bunch on Twits!
@Pixelslave10, @Dezy_D, @LizaSutherland, @KhanyisaKN, @Liesldb, @Leebs101, @LindseyKin85 and @SamRobinson25, no matter where Twitter takes me, it will always have brought me to you!
I had lunch with a friend of mine today because he needed some advice about life and the directions he should take. He has known me way before ‘project me’ and said he needed help making his life his own personal project. I reminded myself of the most important point today … to find something to be grateful for at the end of every single day.
Today, on top of the work beginning to flow in, key accounts heading my way and it being a week until I create a home with Mr Unexpected … I’m most grateful for my friend … a real bunch of Twits!
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published May 27th, 2011
I think the only person who can’t believe that I used to be this club hopping, 4am on a school night kinda girl is me.
I started when I was 16 (I’m sure that was under age) and discovered a club called Ceasars Palace in Braamfontein. I kid you not … it became a standard Wednesday and Saturday night thing until it got to the point that a group of us were on the VIP list and used to stroll past the crowds lining up in long queues on a freezing night like last night.
Nothing would stop us! Not even exams or broken bones. Ladies night was on Wednesdays and we would grab front row seats on the edge of the dance floor. We would wait for certain songs the whole nite and sometimes arrive home as the sun was rising because it took that long to get up on the speakers and dance to it!
I remember that one year a friend of ours gave up clubbing for Lent … we thought she was psycho and there was a huge celebration when she returned after 40 days of real sacrifice. It did pay off though, because she met her hubby there not long after.
Believe it or not … I never had one comfortable day of clubbing in all the thousands of nights out. It was way before ‘project me’ and I was this chubby, glasses wearing virginal girl who thought that competing with size 2 chicks who got the guy was the end of my world. I went for the dancing, the b52 shooters and because I have always made beautiful friends throughout my life. Even now, as I sit here and think back, I can’t think of one time when I was happy in my skin and out on the town.
That girl in me is an old friend that I no longer recognise and I only realised that last night.
So, I bitched and moaned like an absolute brat and Tweeted myself silly about it being too cold to go out and that I was too old to go out on the jol (SA word for awesome time or party). I chewed Greggie’s ear off and shivered like a drama queen but kept reminding myself that in a few hours it would be his birthday and I had to grow the hell up!
Of course I’m thrilled that I went out and for so many reasons.
I’m loving getting to know people I’ve met on Twitter and I can slowly start to call real friends. Mike is one of those special peeps who invited us to go watch an SA band that he has been raving about. I haven’t done live music in ages and forgot how much I love it. I might still be feeling too old to go to loud concerts where I have to queue for hours and stand for even longer, but last night I realised that I’m not gonna get to old for amazing SA bands in chilled out venues, with special people.
My proud pic at the top is with Mike, me and Graeme from the Graeme Watkins Project in the middle. I haven’t seen stage personality like that in a very long time and for a girl whose passion lies with country music, I have to say they get full marks for stealing my heart. I loved the lyrics and I hope to interview Graeme on Your Project Me Story soon, so I will definitely include some of them.
Only when all the gorgeous girls arrived and it would have been that time for the old insecurities to kick in, did I realise just how happy I am to have taken time time to like me.
I mean seriously, look at my gorgeous friends! Oh, look … there’s gorgeous me too!
‘Project me’ made magic last night by not having to drag all the baggage of low self esteem out with me. I’m not a girl to look back with regret, but I am one to look at the moments as perfect and even more amazing remembering how far I have come.
In the end everything warmed up: The fingers, toes, heart and company.
Thanks to Mike for the invite and the Graeme Watkins Project for the SA pride. To Emmanuel for rocking up unexpectedly and being so freaking special.
Last, but certainly not least … to my best friend, business partner, next door neighbour and soul mate (in our own little way) … happy birthday to you! So much of who I am is because of the light that you held up so that I could see who I am through all the darkness. It was one of the most precious moments to count down to your birthday and wish you a happy birthday in moments when I couldn’t be happier to be me.
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published May 20th, 2011
Remember when I received the letter from my friend in Holland and it will filled with flavoured condoms that you don’t get in SA? Well if tomorrow really is the end of the world and I didn’t get to taste the cola flavoured one, I’m really gonna be pissed off. I did contemplate blowing it up like a balloon and … oh … I’ll leave you with the thought!
The bottom line is that I’ve spent my day having a giggle at my friends who have had their bucket lists on display or have been unfollowed on Facebook by making fun of tomorrow.
Me … what do I think?
Well, I’ve always made it clear that I don’t fall for the literal interpretations of anything that floats out there in the psyche of mankind. I don’t mock it either and I don’t ever try change other people’s beliefs or think anyone is loopy for what they believe in.
I’m just glad that I’m not freaking out that tomorrow could be the end of the world and a curious part of me is wondering what the people who believe are doing right now? I’m wondering what they are feeling now and what tomorrow is going to be like for them. I’m also wondering what it would be like if I’m totally wrong and I find myself in the leading roll of my own Armageddon.
I do have a belief though and this is it … our consciousness definitely is on the shift! I’m a firm believer that there are times in the universe where their are shifts. I believe they can be that great the the entire consciousness of the planet can change and that it’s visible to see. I don’t believe that you wake up and it’s different. I believe that it’s gradual and I believe that it is happening right now.
I’m watching my life, my friends and families lives and the state of the world and at some moments I do feel as though the end is nigh! I’ve had another very draining and trying day and in my own way I’ve had ends. It might not be the 21st, but my world as I know has shifted significantly.
Firstly, it’s not just me … I know that there have been network and technology glitches all day long. I don’t believe in coincidence so I’m going to pressure that the planets are doing their thing and our man made wires and microchips are hating it.
My dear friend, Nikki, can spot from a mile away when I’m not telling my whole truth in my blogs, but sometimes it’s so damn hard to share stuff while it’s so raw. I don’t want to upset anyone who might be reading it and who is personally involved and I don’t want to speak out of turn, but I always speak my truth as best as I can in the moment. On that note … I put a friendship down today. I don’t know what more to say than that at a point we realise that a person isn’t seeing us for who we really are. Today, I felt unseen and I can’t sustain a friendship like that. It made the day horrid. It made me unable to truly concentrate and didn’t make the (possible) last day of the world much fun!
I slept in my mom’s bed last night. I love living with my mom and we have the kitties floating around the house but I’m also as comfortable to close my door and hide away in my own space. I hope my lack of meditation doesn’t lower my chances of making till the 22nd of May because I’m still not in that ‘project me’ space to understand why I’m not doing what I love … meditating, doing my tantra exercise and moonlight rituals. It’s on the to-do list to work out if tomorrow has really been taken too literally. Last night I got home to my mom being worried about my sis who is going through her own rough time. The kitties were purring on the bed and I just didn’t want to leave. I felt like a little girl with a sore tummy who only wanted to sleep in her mommy’s bed. A big part is still this unexplained desperate missing of my dad right now. I’m thinking that, just in case tomorrow is the last day on this earth, I might just have another slumber party night with my mom and the kitties!
Once again, you can never be too sure so I’m super excited that Greggie is making seafood rissoto tonight and our friend, XXX, is making super yummy dessert!
Wherever you are … whatever you believe … I hope it’s you own belief and there is nothing to fear!
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published April 18th, 2011
Today is a busy one so I seriously have to blog and be done by the time this first cup of tea is still hot. That’s one hell of a challenge … I usually only get my blogging cap on after about cup number 3.
I get the feeling this week is going to be an interesting one and I think that a lot of it has to do with the turn around from my attitude this weekend to the way I woke up feeling this morning.
The anticipation is always worse than the actual moment and waking up wasn’t nearly as daunting as I thought it would be. It seems that this week I have to do some things differently. I can’t pinpoint all of them and I am not ready to face some of them, but something is changing as fast as the weather. According to the Pagan energies that work with the changing of the seasons, we are now in a time of harvesting everything we need for a time that we go within ourselves and discover more of who we are to begin blossoming again in the summer. Whether we are aware of it or not, these times come and go in our lives.
I am aware of these times and like to best equip myself through the winter months of self reflection with things like Tigger slippers, warm jimmy jams, roasted tomato soup and chilli hot chocolate. It doesn’t mean that this internal time has to be spent alone and I love nothing more than surprising friends with warm meals. I’m one of those people who loves cooking while everyone is gathered around. I never have a recipe in sight and am only now learning to allow others to give their taste input. Somewhere along the line I have chilled out in the kitchen … and trust me, it’s a major chill out. I used to only allow people to watch but would half throw them out if they interfered. Wait, I do recall a time when Greggie had to finish making his own breakfast because he told me when to stop grating the cheese. LOL … I love reflecting back on how far this personality has come.
That was the joy of yesterday and the thing that pulled me through a day of frustration. It seemed that every corner I turned people were making their own choices (which they are entitled to) and then not appreciating the choice I made because of the choice they made. It truly is that simple … you are free to choose to do anything, but then allow me to make a choice from the choice you made and don’t expect me to do anything but what I want to do.
The more frustrated the greater my friends are treated. Hence the three course meal of soup, pasta and my secret chilli hot chocolate. Okay, so it’s not so secret but holy moly is it delicious.
I know it all sounds a bit vague, but I really am figuring things out. It seems as though Cape Town won’t be happening. sponsors are on my page of refining, friends choices are being assessed and so are men’s.
On the other hand … there is a very exciting meeting today. I had an unexpected exciting call last night and a very unexpected and potentially exciting email this morning.
Oh, and it’s the Jewish festival of Passover tonight. I love the family time and Hustler Girl is coming to dinner with her Ponkie. I don’t do any of the Matzos eating but I do love these moment where tradition brings everyone together. That’s kind of like the next Pagan festival I have planned 
Okay … tea is too cold to drink so it’s time to start the day!
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published April 17th, 2011
It’s Sunday and winter is heading in so I’m in one of my favourite spaces where I get to cook for my friends … yay! There will be a lot of that and I might even share a few recipes along the way.
There is something magical about winter for me even though I do bitch and moan about the cold quite a bit. Ok … a lot! So Tigger slippers are out, winter jimmy jams are at the front of the cupboard and the extra thick duvet is on the bed.
I’m not the best red wine drinker but I put my big girl panties on for winter and slowly drink my way in … all starting with Friday night ‘s glass and a half and a Saturday of anticipation for cheesy pizza, cheesy movies and the settlling in of winter wine.
Nothing ever goes as planned, even when big announcements are splashed all over Twitter and Facebook. I think my most favoured ‘project me’ moment that I discovered last night is that I don’t handle disappointment as badly as I thought. I was far less dramatic when we realised that the Spaceballs disk was not actually in the box. Well, disk two was there but that has all the makings of the movies and not the movie itself. Sigh … what is a Spaceballs and pizza movie night without Spaceballs. It turns into a search to find Nemo.
There sat 3 grown-ups with pizza, wine and one of the funniest and lesson filled Disney movies of all time.
You are never too old for Disney and certainly never too young to understand the messages of bravery and courage from a little orange fish and a certain Dory.
Between work, men and friends I am battling a little with staying within my own boundaries and putting myself first. These things have a knack for making me question my own choices and reminding myself that the whole point of ‘project me’ is to do only what is good for me and not let anyone shake my foundation of knowing.
I had this very discussion with someone on Twitter last night and although he loved my responses to his curious questions he did tell me that learning to know one’s self if the most daunting of choices. He said he was sure that it was because people were afraid of what they would find and I don’t think we would find anything less than the full potential of who we truly are … if a little blue fish can do it, then why can’t we?
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published March 27th, 2011
I imagined myself finishing my breakfast meeting by midday and having blogged less than an hour after, with the rest of the day being consumed by packing. 10am is a fair time to get together with friends and 12am is a fair time to part ways. Then why am I only managing to blog at 4pm?
Have you ever … I think the staff of the restaurant were trying to figure out ways to move us out gently. How much can people talk for 5 and a half hours? How much cappuccino is too much for a Sunday morning?
Between last night’s dinner with two special friends and this morning extended breakfast, I find myself in awe at the power of friendships when it comes turning my dreams into a reality.
I’m not the strongest person when it comes to marketing. Put me up on a stage with hundreds of people hanging on my every word and I’m must fine. Make me draw the crowd and something makes me fall flat. I used to beat myself up about it and in some respects I am only getting over the personal pounding as I share this ‘project me’ realisation with you in this very moment.
Here I have been trying all of these marketing techniques and following the formulas that are put out there in the world to make it so much easier and I really haven’t seen the results in any way, shape or form. Then I have dinner with two friends who have both taken my journey of success in their own personal interest and I have breakfast with more friends who are tapping into every network they have to throw me out into the world.
Meetings are few and far between, but socialising with friends is booming and only now do I feel myself abundant with possibility. I can’t believe how people rumble through their minds and connect the dots what all lead to an opportunity. All this happening while friends are sharing wine, laughs and special time together.
I can’t begin to express my frustration with you. I don’t know how to put into words what it’s like to be doing exactly what I want to do with who I want to do it with and the struggle is still so very hard. I question the law of attraction theory that you just have to do what you love. You think I don’t get asked by so many people why, if I’m doing what I love, I’m not rolling in the dough? I have no freaking idea people!!!
I still don’t believe I’m failing in any way and I refuse to fall into the trap of trying to figure out what I am not getting right. I am getting everything right and I all I need to do is keep going the best way I know how.
That best way is letting go of the attempt to do it all myself and admit my limitations. In those very limitations there I find myself surrounded by my dearest friends who are jumping in to help carry me.
I have one hell of a week ahead of me with the move to the new house and at the same time the end of the month and bills to pay is also looming. Yet, there is something in me that is as firm as anything, reminding me to just keep going and when it gets a little rough all I have to do is phone a friend.
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published March 23rd, 2011
If I could pick an easier route at times, I think I would jump at the opportunity. That moment always ends up being fleeting when I realise how much I would have missed out on had I changed one moment of my life.
It’s been 15 months of blogging but it’s been 7 years since I started my personal ‘project me’ … but before that it was Jodene living very unconsciously. I remember sitting with my ‘spiritual’ teacher and telling her that I wished I had unlearned all that she had taught me. My family home and business had just burned down, family issues had be ripped open like a can of worms and I looked at myself in the mirror for the first time in years only to see the damage I had done to myself. Over the last few days I have felt like that again … wishing I could shove the lid back on the journey I have consciously chosen to live.
While I was flying down to Cape Town last week, I sat next to a gentleman who had done the same metaphysics course as I did many years ago. It clearly didn’t serve him very well because he was proving how the ‘law of attraction’ doesn’t work. He said that if it did I should be a very rich lady by now and clearly I wasn’t. Similarly, yesterday I was asked why I only had 16 people at my talk in Cape Town if I believed so much in the power of social networking.
At time when my life is literally in turmoil and my family is going through the hardest thing next to my father’s passing, I have been faced with some interesting additional challenges. Surely by now life should be running smoothly? Isn’t that the impression of manifestation? That because I teach about manifestation I should be manifesting left, right and center? If I teach about sex then I should be sexually fulfilled every spare moment I have (and still finding time to sneak out for a shag between meetings)? If I teach about self worth and self esteem that I should have lost all the weight and been married with a perfect little life by now?
Is that who the world chooses to listen to? Those who make it all sound so easy and show you the pretty picture at the end of the long and winding yellow brick road that they have traveled?
Has anyone wondered why Charlie Sheen is getting the attention he is currently getting? Has anyone stopped to watch what the world is craving? Maybe it’s just me, but there are more people out there who are struggling to manifest those realities than those who have done an affirmation and ‘whoop there it is’! People are lapping up the madness and the chaos. So many of us live in chaos that if we can have confirmation that someone else is so much more far removed from reality, that we will be ok! I remember wanting a friend of mine to do one of my courses and he told me that only those who write the books on self help get rich and they only got rich because they wrote the book. I’m not agreeing with him, but I am agreeing that we all stare outwards to find the answers.
In my chaos, do you not think that I have tried to turn to every outside source I possibly could? I wish I could show you a glimmer of the frustration of waking up in the morning with the promise to have a healthy eating day and then ending it in chaos because I have no idea what healthy means to me. Should I shut down this blog and retract myself from the role of teacher because I am still amidst the chaos?
My answer is no! My realisation is that anyone who is striving to live life without the chaos has this journey very wrong. Of course there are issues that I want so badly to put to rest, but I don’t know how much I have to learn about myself before I get there. I don’t know my greatness but I know I’m great and if I need to hit rock bottom (with the whole world watching) then that is what I have chosen to do.
This space isn’t rosy right now! I have cried so much in the last few days that I can’t even put my contact lenses in my eyes. I have to sell stuff to buy a bed for my new home that I am still sharing with my mother.
Have I failed at manifestation??? Hell no!!!!
There is not one moment of this journey that I would have given up on. There is no part of me that doubts my ability and my success. I have never felt as though I have stepped off the magical journey of my yellow brick road and there has NEVER been a part of me that has wanted to quit … alright, Saturday was a bit of a quitting day, but bowl of popcorn, a cup of tea and a precious mother pulled me through.
The more I experience of ‘project me’ and the more I wonder to myself what great lessons I need to share with the world, the more I realise that I just have to keep telling the truth. I don’t have to plan seminars or wait for my first book to be published or have a Ferrari in my driveway to be the voice of manifestation.
There is no quick fix! There is no single right way! There is no formula but the one you create for yourself! There is no escaping the magical chaos of life and there is no punishment in that chaos either.
I might lose a sponsor today because I haven’t managed to keep up the positivity movement. I have fallen off the wagon, but I am still on the yellow brick road. I do enough beating up of myself and choose not to face the wrath of anyone else’s judgement, but I also understand that if the world is driven by positive results and constant success without the allowance of the odd stumble off the wagon, that I might not be able to sustain the ride. Sadly, I believe in the very thing that might be taken away from me (or I might give up) but I also realise that I don’t have the ability to do things the way they are being asked of me right now and that’s not fair of me. Right now, if I don’t allow myself to be kind to myself and if I put on rose coloured glasses, I will do more damage than good. Half of the self help books in the world might disagree with me right now … but only I know me.
I know this has been a long post, but I have so needed to hear myself say this and I thank you for listening and sharing my journey with me.
Today I am packing up my dad’s office! Of all the spaces in the house, this one is the most heart wrenching. I don’t know what it’s going to do today but chances are that I will choose to end it with an overly indulgent meal that I will cook for some very special people in my life and I will shed another few tears along the way.
In all these thousands of words, this is what I’m trying to say about living a ‘project me’ life: No matter what, I get up every single day and I tell myself the truth. I honour my emotions, I speak my fears and I watch myself do a little damage with food or hold out for the wrong guy to call me. Every single day I still do one little thing that scares me and sometimes those little things are as small as saying ‘no’ to an arrangement that I choose not to attend. No excuses and no lies! Every single day I am grateful for all that I have and all that I have the ability to have … but most of all … every single day, I take responsibility for exactly where I am and what I do or don’t have!
For that, I am most proud and I thank each and every one of you for sticking with me when I walk tall and when I fall down. It is an honour to have your yellow brick road right beside mine!
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published March 22nd, 2011
My poor friends. I’m glad they have the esteem they have because everything I’ve planned over the past few days I have wished I hadn’t. Well, that’s not true. I have had a fleeting moment of wishing that I had cancelled but then I have remembered that, no matter what happens, I have the most amazing friends to pull me over that one nasty bump I can’t seem to heave myself over.
I have reflected back on the time I have been blogging ‘project me’ and this seems to be the longest I’ve hovered in a space of insecurity, uncertainty and down right nasty to me. A whole pile of issues have come flooding back and although the issues are the same, the money situation is getting tighter. I seem to be questioning every decision I have ever made and I have even battled to blog. Amazingly, even though I only added songs and a brief note over the past few days … I never missed a day of blogging. Therefore I never missed a day of ‘project me’. Therefore … I know I will be ok!
I also never canceled my friends, no matter how much I cried before the special events started. The first one being the Pagan celebration of Mabon, which happens to be Thanksgiving in my world.
As I explained to my special friends, I am always thankful. I never miss the blessings and I never relinquish responsibility for exactly where I find myself. ‘Project me’ has reminded me of this every day. I am also not part of the positivity movement and can’t wear rose coloured glasses when looking at certain situations in my life. So thanksgiving had an interesting spin on it for me. I was most thankful that my friends embrace my practices and get so excited to part-take in them. I was equally thankful that we celebrate these moments (and all moments we are together) with the merriment that the goddesses expect of life.
It was equally amazing to watch each person slip into the space of gratitude and embrace the very reasons why I found the magic of celebrating these festivals with as much tradition as possible.
Of course, in my crowd, it eventually all goes south and fits of laughter and hysteria reigns. In those moments when we become shamelessly joyous, I am thrilled that I never canceled.
Yesterday, my house had no water and no electricity at another point. It rains into the house and clouds were hovering and there are boxes of half packed items scattered everywhere. That almost stopped me from the impromptu dinner my soul was craving. Money is still tight and no one ever seems to mind, so why did I get myself so stressed that the people who have seen me at my worst, would see me at my worst?
Of course, I’m thrilled that I didn’t cancel. I don’t know if there are even pictures to prove the mayhem that we create when we gather together. I’m sure if you saw the pics, you still wouldn’t believe it.
There are no words to thank my Greggie, Twinkletoes, Hustler Girl and Ponkie for being the most incredible friends a girl could ask for … thank you for not being insulted every time I told you I wished I had canceled you and thank you for giving me so many reasons to be so grateful I didn’t.
I know that this too will pass, but in the meantime … thank you for being my strength and the light that keeps my path bright as I take each step.
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published March 2nd, 2011
There’s a picture of me as a little girl, pulling a face just like this. I remember the day clearly. My father was teasing me and then wanted to take pictures before we went to school. Too late, he had laughed at me … I was sulking until the cows came home.
Don’t laugh at me!
Well that’s not entirely true … don’t laugh at things that I am struggling with. Yes, this goes out to my mom who does her best to try make light of it and throws fuel on my spitting fire or self sabotage. When my back was at it’s worst she would see the funny side and I would feel like a burden. Now she’s laughing that we are sharing a house and she is going to lock herself in her bedroom when boys come over … so no I feel like a burden. It’s bullshit, I know and there are a million reasons to laugh at the very situations that are there to serve me well, so it’s not your fault mom. Don’t go changing anything … keep making fun of life until I catch a wake up and see the gift in it.
It came about when my very dear friend, Twinkletoes, plastered over Facebook that he was going to crap on me for not telling him personally about the house. He always calls me about anything exciting before he splashes it on Facebook and I failed to do the same. That’s because there are a few things about me that even my closest at heart don’t know.
Greggie has a glimmer of understanding and jumped in to explain to Twinkletoes why I am not gushy over the house or the boy. I can vaguely remember what he said but it settled my guilt a little and gave me time to regroup and not be nasty to myself.
There are things we need to understand about ourselves in order to express them to the ones we love and then there are things we need to understand about ourselves in order to decide if we need to do some changing or not.
The sulking I can work on. Actually I need to pull myself together and live a little more of my ‘project me’ lesson … the sense of humour part in courage, consciousness and a sense of humour.
The inability to express myself when I’m unsure of how I feel about a situation or a place or a thing … well that I need to explain to the ones I love because that internal time with myself is very important. If I force myself to communicate I’m going to lose that time with myself and in all honesty I make so little time for myself.
That’s another side of me that no one really knows except for my noisy mind and me. Carly Simon sings a song that says “I’ve been to paradise, but I’ve never been to me!”
Being conscious every day and telling yourself the truth the way that ‘project me’, my journey of self discovery and my Tuesday nights does, is bound to open the pandora’s box of self awareness. Trust me … there are days that is sucks big time and I literally sulk. Don’t talk to me, don’t try make me smile, don’t tell me things will be okay because I know that! Just piss off and leave me alone.
That’s another things I have slowly had to explain to my friends. I’m not afraid that I will fail, I might get frightened of things I have to do but I take it on anyway. I don’t cower away from the truth but it stings like a bitch and I want to ring a friends neck when they say everything is going to be okay. Don’t stop saying it, because once again its stuff I have to pull myself together about.
When Bipolar ran me through her suicide attempt I sat there with a mouth full of teeth and the only thing I wanted to say was ‘well done my brave friend’, but she knows that. She knows how well she’s done. I didn’t make the silence any easier and I can imagine my friends going through the same thing when I express my fear or crisis but know I will get over it in the end. Anything they say comes from a loving place and I need to learn to understand that and accept it.
So thanks to my my precious mom who tries to make light of my crisis and my friends who just want to share in my excitement or my other friends who only want to make me feel a little better in any way they can.
I can’t guarantee that I’m not going to sulk … coz it’s kinda cute in my own personal opinion
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published February 27th, 2011
Admittedly, I’ve felt crappy for days.
Damn, now I have to explain myself!
There is a line of diabetes in my family, so I really shouldn’t be messing around with how I eat considering I’ve been diagnosed with a pretty high level of something. I don’t know how it all works but I do know that I need to keep my sugar levels as stable as possible.
Everyone always assumes that means cutting out all the carbs and keeping the sugar to almost non existent (including the good ones) and sometimes I get into total idiot space and act like ‘everyone’. No offence to anyone who is reading this and knows they aren’t being kind to their bodies, but the truth first hurts and then sets you straight.
On Tuesday night when Greggie, my mom and myself get together for our little dose of self healing and honesty I am going to have to deal with the consequences of what I’m about to tell you.
Before my sister’s wedding I began to worry that I wouldn’t look great in what I was wearing. I know I said that a few times. The truth is that I did the one thing that I thought was the only thing I could do and cut my carbs right down. I mean right down. The most I would have was an odd bowl of all bran every few days. I had no fruit and I listened to some of the worst advice I have ever been fed. Actually, I’ve been fed it for years and I tapped back into in a total space of fear.
After the wedding I felt great and so I carried on keeping my carbs low. Not completely gone, but I know it’s too low.
Then Hustler Girl and I went on that sugar binge and I was sick almost halfway through my carbo loaded lunch. With each crash I had to fuel myself with more sugar and I have been faint and dizzy since Wednesday.
Yesterday was so bad that I literally had to put myself to bed after a lunch that goes against anything screaming balance.
You know I have voices in my head, so I’m not going to go into explaining myself about that. I am going to explain what the voices were screaming at me about though.
Friends, I love you … but my word, do you mess with my mind and my choices for my own health. I can’t believe how everyone has an opinion and I watch your Facebook status’s saying you were at gym for 2 hours and you are surviving fine on a tomato smoothie. Here I am trying to learn to listen to my own body and it’s screaming for me to eat carbs at every meal. The good carbs of course … but carbs one the less. It’s protein overload all around me and that’s not the wisest thing to do for a body.
At this point my best friend, Greggie, is reading this post and rolling his eyes or mumbling ‘I told you so’ under his breathe, but for some reason I did choose a lifetime of learning things my own way.
Since I was a little girl I never just believed anything that I was told and that has carried on through my whole life. Why would I make it any different when learning how to eat. NOT being told how to eat or following a diet or a plan … but learning for myself what I need to balance my own body.
With the room spinning around me and my blood levels wavering from high to low, the voices reminded me that I know what I’m doing. I know that there is no one under the sun who can tell me what to eat and how to take care of my own body. Shit, that’s a lot of self trust. No one goes inwards at a time like this and the craving to google the perfect diet is haunting me.
I’m not 13! I’m a 37 year old woman who is trying to show the world that we have the power within us to do and be anything. The truth does remain though … I have an erratic sugar issue and I should NOT be messing around with it. The only way to do that is grow the hell up and start listening to myself.
So, you can hear I’m being mean to myself and I’m going to have to take some time to turn that around, but in the meantime I have to stop the light-headedness and the room from spinning. I have to trust in myself to balance my sugars myself and take yet another massive ‘project me’ step.
First things first though … I admitted it! I told you and me the truth … I didn’t want an afternoon nap, I needed it! Desperately!
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
body issues, diet, fear, friends, Greggie, gym, Hustler Girl, Project Me, truth, wedding | 
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