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Published February 20th, 2011
What fun things totally freak you out?
Is it just me or does anyone out there also hate the camera that’s whipped out at parties?
Does anyone else have the censorship rule with their friends about Facebook or Tweeted pics?
Who else avoids full body shots??
It’s been long awaited and very much anticipated but one day I woke up and I was ready. I was ready to accept the offer of sponsorship by Irvin Sammons Photographie. I can’t believe he’s still been keen to photography me through the year as I get my body fit, firm and fabulous. I’ve been a total nightmare every time he’s whipped the camera out and then turned into a bitch when I’ve seen the shots he’s taken. Unbelievably … I believe in him and he believes in me and so we decided that we can both make this work.
It might seem like a simple and odd sponsorship, but the camera is fast becoming one of the toughest relationships I’ve ever had to build with someone. “Look straight into the camera!” are words I used to literally hide from.
For those of you who haven’t seen what I used to look like in the eye of the camera, I will be posting a pick when I launch the sponsorship. It wasn’t pretty. Let me rephrase that … I didn’t think I was pretty.
Naturally the day was mixed with emotions of excitement, challenge and fear. Irvin was amazing to the build up but I can see that not many understand my love/hate relationship with the camera.
My poor mother gave up being a make-up artist years ago, yet she still does it for me at every important occasion. She is brilliant at what she does and always helps make me feel that one extra bit pretty. Yesterday was no different and she could feel it. It would officially be one of the first times I was consciously having full body shots. I had already decided that, no matter what, I am putting full body shots on my blog when I launch the sponsorship.
Outfit upon outfit were tried on, removed, tried on again. Shuffling from one mirror to the next and learning in then taking a few steps out. If that was how the camera would see me then I would survive. After all, it is the first photo shoot and the whole point is to track my weight loss and shift in esteem as seen through the eyes of the lens.
I’m not the same girl I used to be and I’m not fishing for compliments either. I know my beauty and my sexy self. It’s a simple chaos with me … I can see my poor relationship with food through the lens. Every time I see a pic of me I promise myself a better eating life and then I fall off the rails at the sign of one ounce of fear or need to hide shame. But, something has changed lately. It’s a combination of things, but the fact remains. I have gotten through some of the greatest family, friends, finance and fear issues over the last few weeks and not turned to food once. I felt amazing at my sister’s wedding and it triggered a knowing that I CAN do this.
That’s when I did it! That’s when I made the call and graciously accepted the sponsorship! That’s when I put on my best, coloured up my cheeks, puckered up my lips, curled up my hair and headed to a pretty park to be photographed!
Ironically, it was cloudy and rainy … which only enhanced the beauty of the whole experience!
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published February 15th, 2011
“Love is on the way
On wings of angels
I know it’s true, I feel it coming through
Love is on the way
Time is turning the pages
I don’t know when
But love will find me again
I am not afraid
Of the mystery of tomorrow
I have found the faith deep within
There’s a promise I have made
There’s a dream I’m gonna follw
There’s another chance to begin
And it’s coming as sure as the heavens
I can feel it right here in my heart”
I remember hearing this song for the first time (or truly acknowledging it) after the man I was sure I would marry ended up falling in love with someone else and moving on to marry her. At that time the movie First Wives Club had just come out and I played this song until I had cried every tear I had left inside.
I put men on the shelf and lost myself at the same time after that heartbreak and the returning to me is how ‘project me’ truly started. Interventions of a few good friends at the time helped me see how I had allowed others to give me a reason to self destruct.
I stopped that self destruction a long time ago and have been hopeful of love for a while now. There have been some beautiful men in my life, but none with the hope of lasting.
Of course it’s all going to come flooding back with the combination of my sister’s wedding and Valentines Day within a day of each other. It’s a lot of emotions all mixed into one and it doesn’t matter that I haven’t heard this song in a good few years but the words came rushing back yesterday. It was as though there were being sung to me …
Sung to me when my friend let me down for our Valentine’s dinner
Sung to me when I got an anonymous sms and found out later it was a guy I asked to leave me alone
Sung to me when I man I was once in an intimate relationship with asked me to help mend his current broken relationship (Apparently it’s in my job description … um?)
Sung to me when my beautiful sister and her new husband returned home from their romantic wedding night
Sung to me when all my friends were posting beautiful love messages to their valentines.
Sung to me when I could hear the concern in Greggie’s voice that I was let down for the night
Sung to me when I spent hours talking to a man that hasn’t made mention of meeting after a lot of communication
Sung to me when I climbed into bed alone …. well, there’s always kitty to keep my company.
I’m not lonely or pining for love and I’m never worried that I will spend my life alone, but some days just have ‘when?’ written all over them and considering ‘truth’ is my motto in life … I had to follow my heart’s question and wonder when?
Catching the bouquet at the wedding was totally scammed by everyone there, by the way. My brother in law told my sis how far to throw and one friend shoved me forward while all the rest took a step back. I take that with all the compliment it was intended … I’ve never caught the bouquet before, so maybe the myth is true 
I can’t believe how blessed I am by friends, family and blogging/tweeting ‘stranger’ (because I feel as though I know you) for making me feel so loved and special. Without knowing it, each one of you reminded me that my time is coming … that love is on the way on wings of angels!
Until then … I’m still the luckiest girl in the world, showered with love and a million reasons to smile
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published February 14th, 2011
I’m exhausted after a day that turned out to be more magical than I ever imagined it could be. I can’t believe that my little sis is married and I am thrilled to say that it was one of the most beautiful weddings I’ve ever been too … AND I caught the bouquet.
World, meet my special sister and new brother … Mr Matthew and Mrs Geordie Nicholls. Aren’t they just the cutest couple? I love the height thing that’s going and for the cutting of the cake (which was actually biting into gorgeous cup cakes) my little sis stood on a chair and was just about the same height … tee hee! What a beautiful love to watch blossom.
I was honoured to be my sister’s bridesmaid and do the toast to the incredible special couple. My sis and hubby met on Facebook and were engaged 3 months later. In the speech I started it with a pic that was posted straight onto Facebook in honour of the way these crazy kids met! I did the speech impromptu like I said I would and it went off perfectly (besides all the tears). Thanks to everyone who laughed in the right places and cried when they should have … it made it even more of a gift.
The theme of the wedding was stars and my sister, with her Virgo personality, tied everything in so beautifully. All the little personal touches showed that my sis and hubby poured their heart and soul into sharing their love with everyone who is dear to them.
I can’t thank the couple enough for inviting my most precious friends to share the wedding with them (and with me). Thank you to Twinkletoes for driving the bride to her wedding. Fancy car Mr Twinkletoes and oh so cool … literally aircon cool. Hustler Girl, thanks for helping Geords with your pretty writing and Ponky thanks for driving some special peeps to the wedding for us. Greggie … thank you for holding it all together when the seems were coming out in my frayed little life with the build up to the wedding.
It’s not always easy being single at a wedding and it’s a little tougher at that moment when the retinue is asked to join the bride and groom on the dance floor. For once it was a truly special moment for me to dance with my best friend and know that we are both wishing for the other to find true love, but in the meantime … how lucky can one girl be?
I have been anticipating how I would feel on the day and am so proud of myself for all that I am slowly blossoming into. Less is more and that goes for the bum and tummy most of all. Even I surprised myself at how great I felt but when dear friends had tears in their eyes in honour of my self worth and determination, it was beyond words. I know that I have chosen every step along the way that got me to this point, but without sponsors like RegimA (for my glowing skin that survived all the pre wedding drama) and SlimLab (that kept the binge eating away as a form of survival), I wouldn’t have felt as great as I do.
It left me with a new ‘project me’ knowing and sense of determination. Watching the love that my sister and hubby share reminded me that it’s all worth the wait and that he is out there somewhere. It bonded relationships with some family members and reminded me of just how blessed I am to have the friends I do. My back held out so well and I even got to dance the time warp and do the locomotion.
Today I feel exhausted though, but oh so worth it! So I’m doing simple things like spending time with my sis and her hubby and taking my date (mommy) out for movies and dinner for Valentines.
What a way to celebrate the cheesy day of love!
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published February 13th, 2011
It’s 6am on the morning of my little sis’s wedding and I thought it best to get the blogging done before bride, mother of the bride and madness awakens. Got my tea in my princess mug and a particularly happy smile on my face today. One of my favourite songs (which I have taken as a little life motto) is ‘what a difference a day makes’, which is exactly what yesterday was all about.
After a turbulent Friday my sis and her future hubby ended up staying together and did a few little things together in the morning. That gave me the perfect opportunity to put the final touches to the speech and say it repeatedly to the cat. She wasn’t particularly charmed but then neither was I. I pride myself in being able to stand up in front of a room/hall/auditorium of people and speak without a note in sight, yet for the wedding speech I have (had) every word planned. As I said it over and over and tried to put my personality into something so rehearsed, but lets face facts … it’s impossible for me.
Luckily I had such an entertaining day with the bride and groom to be that it gave me the perfect opportunity to toss the speech and just damn well get up there and speak from the heart. I can’t keep rewriting it every time one of them does something so charming or priceless that I just have to make mention of it. For example … future hubby says his final good byes to his wife to be and proudly announced that he bought them a wedding present (silent pause) A BATHROOM SCALE! Gulp … well didn’t I dash to the car and close the door while chuckling silent to myself. That’s what happens when you marry a man like your father
When I was just a guest at the wedding it was fine for me to wear non padded, strapless bra. Now that I’m bridesmaid, my boobs need to be a little more center stage. Well to be honest, I didn’t like the bra in the first place but I think I’ve mentioned how much I hate shopping (lucky dude he gets me). My mom is a professional make up artist and a damn fine one at that, despite her virgo bride-to-be daughter who turned the trial into … well … literally a trial. Case rests, my mother is brilliant. So it was off to find perfect foundation for sis and boob lifting bra for me. Both were a trying drama just hours before the shops closed the day before the wedding.
My brother drove us to the shops and in Yiddish there is a word called Dufkah which means deliberate. He’s pissed that I wanted my car to be used as the retinue car for my sis, her little bridesmaid and myself, so he drove like a jerk and said he’s better at driving automatic. I’m sure by now you know there’s no messing with me and so I called my incredibly precious friend Twinkletoes (who I have secretly wanted at the wedding all along). Twinkletoes has a very fancy Audi and the perfect personality to keep the bride calm on the way to get married. Brother was a bit astounded, but it sorted out his personality for the rest of the day and everybody wins. Of course, I win most of all … I gave up on trying to get Inked Dude to the wedding after realising that I have been doing most of the calling and messaging. I also had to hold myself back because The Jock is newly single. Now I have the best of both world … Greggie and Twinkletoes to dance with and there is no one else I could think of to spend this precious evening with (not forgetting Hustler Girl and her man will be there too).
Now it gets to the point where bride and groom to be are no longer allowed to speak to each other. Now it gets to the point where my life becomes a comedy act of juggling between two lonely hearts. Most couples don’t see each other for like a week. These two love sick kids had to get through one night. Well, I had to get through the night. When they first fell in love they used to sms each other about 2000 sms’s a week (Thank heavens for Blackberry) and now that they live together I’m sure it’s down to about 1750. I was with my sis doing the last little things (which is always an extended list for a Virgo bride) and my brother in law (to be) was with his family. He was then writing his speech. He then finished his speech. He then drove home. He then wanted to know what we were watching. He had then seen it. He then wanted to know how his bride to be was. He then … heaven help me, the boy reached his 2000 sms’s in one freakin’ night.
It was awesome to hear my sister laugh so hysterically and it’s not like I need a reminder that she really is lucky to have found such a beautiful man, but the reminder was refreshing anyway. My sis and I have had a very turbulent relationship and to be honest that is why I was only included in everything at the last moment. My future brother in law was born with an optimistic outlook on life and he has secretly been determined to get my sister closer together. A lot of what he tried only made it worse, but after a big bust up that spilled out truth my sister and I found a new respect and love for each other. Not that I wished them chaos as the wedding grew closer, but I am happy that the best man and bridesmaid both had their issues just so I could stand by my sister today and talk about their great love tonight.
Mom is up … sis has a nervous rash … the day has begun Wow, my little sis is getting married today!
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published February 11th, 2011
It’s not far off from the truth. By the time I closed my eyes to sleep I had to convince myself that I wasn’t having a mini heart attack and it was most probably my heart’s relief that the day was done. It’s like a marathon of events so let’s start at the beginning and hope I don’t pass out just rethinking about it.
It was big change hair colour day. It took like 3 hours and three different colour applications, including a whopping bill that left me with a pang of regret. Luckily I had Hustler Girl by my side the whole time and her encouraging “Holy #@#% that’s so much better, Jo!” sorted my silly money issues out soon enough. There are some thing that are worth every penny and this was surely one of them.
We had time to kill and Hustler Girl has a friend with an awesome restaurant so while walking out the door my little sis arrives and we all decide to go to lunch together. There are healthy salad and semi healthy wraps written all over the menu, but when Hustler Girls asks restaurant owner dude what we should try he points us in the direction of juicy hamburger and very juice steak sandwich. Let it be stated that Hustler Girl is a horrid influence and has led me down the path of the devil once again, but my goodness, was it scrumptious.
That’s not the kicker … the fun part was returning home after a little shopping and moaning about the excessive food only to be asked by my little sis and her husband to be if I could stand in as bridesmaid for her friend who opted out (yes, these things really do happen) at the last moment. It’s an honour and my little sis and I have come a long way over the past few months, but all I could think of was “Bitch, you watched me at that hamburger and knew you were gonna ask me!” I love what I’m wearing, but I am trying not to have an obsessive two days of eating a carrot stick only when I’m about to faint. Luckily the thoughts may linger but it’s not in my nature.
The irony is that I wasn’t involved in the wedding at all. The romantic part of me didn’t want to see my sister’s dress or anything to do with the wedding seeing as though I wasn’t in the retinue. The other part of me wanted to avoid all the chaos of the day and just arrive as guest. Now I’m getting dressed with the family, arriving with the bride, walking down the isle and doing the speech in place of the best man who failed to be able to make it either. I did say my family life is eventful, didn’t I?
Behind the scenes my blog has been a nightmare and I threatened my hosting company that I would start tweeting horrid things and blogging about them if they didn’t sort their act out. So it was apologies, phone calls and swapping of servers. Thanks to all the events and passing the time at the hairdresser by playing games of the Blackberry, my mobile went flat. Yes, Hustler Girl had to tell me that staring at the dead screen wasn’t going to be very productive, but what does a girl do if not hold her phone all the time.
I was also holding the phone because I seem to be thoroughly enjoying my time talking to the guy (who Hustler Girl has named as Inked Dude) who my friend is trying to set me up with. There are sporadic sms’s through the day and with all the madness it’s been wildly refreshing. Yes, the mean part of me keeps saying to enjoy it while it lasts because we know my history with men.
On the subject of men, The Jock called to say he didn’t like my hair. Which is code for ‘hot damn girl!’. He is my reminder that I can make that lasting impression, which is where most of my friends could kick me in the teeth. I’m still on the path to not needing those reminders of the impression I can make.
My dearest friend bought her and me matching tea cups! They say ‘pretty princess’ and it means the world to me. Without even knowing it, she kept me calm most of the day and especially helped with the build up to having to see the family who have arrived for the wedding from overseas. I have no shame about any choice I have ever made, but I was apprehensive about having to explain my tattoo being the Jewish girl and all. Hustler Girl kept talking me through it and reminded me that this is me and I don’t have to explain myself to anyone. Well, I did in the end. Of course I got asked, but I handled it super well. I even used the words Goddess, Pagan, Moon rituals and my beliefs and I took it as a sign that it was a good enough answer when the subject swiftly changed.
It was such a hectic day that I didn’t get to speak to Greggie at all … on the day that it would have been great to have his sound advice. But in the end everything works out as it should and I had time to put it all into perspective and tell myself that life sure is that roller coaster he always tells me it is … now to enjoy the ride for the next few days.
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published January 16th, 2011
The other day while out to lunch with Greggie, I was served a cappuccino that was just a tad too cold for my liking. As I raised my hand to call the waiter, I said to Greggie “I don’t often complain, but …” Before I could even finish my sentence my best friend was giggling, chuckling and trying desperately to refrain from howling with laughter. How very rude!
I don’t think I’m much of a complainer, but clearly it’s because I keep saying “I don’t often complain …” that it’s helped me convince my brain that I let the world pass me by complaint free.
If ever I had a spotlight shine in my face considering that even my blog begins with a complaint.
I boiled the kettle because I have my traditional ritual (or anal vice) of blogging with tea. So I begin blogging, choose the pic of the day and wait for the kettle to boil. I never complain, but my brother used the water … all of it! He didn’t boil the kettle, yet he uses it. Guess what for? To throw down the drain as his drain unblocking prevention mechanism. That’s worth complaining about … right?
With tea in hand (an not complaining that for the past month I have been drinking gross tea because my brother doesn’t obey the shopping orders) I need to explain my choice of pic for the day. Now I would never complain about having my precious nephews staying over until Tuesday because their mom is very hard working and I do adore the little guys. But seriously, how many times can children watch one Disney movie. I should have counted from about 4 years back when they met Buzz and Woody, but I doubt I’m exaggerating when I say I have seen it 500 times. If it’s been 4 times between last night and midday, trust me it adds up fast. Every time I watch the scene with when Buzz has a rocket strapped to his back I do have dreams of him really shooting away and taking his friend Woody with him. This coming from the chick who loves fairytales, cartoon and … well, Disney!
It’s my own fault … you never hear me complaining about living back home with my mom and two of my siblings. I made a very conscious choice for all the right reasons, so I’m not complaining. I’m not complaining but I don’t have any space to myself and today I feel like a caged animal. It’s not anyone’s fault but all I want to do is lie down and sleep the pain in my back and my neck aways.
I could read, right? The other day I might have mentioned that I battled to pick up a pot of tea to pour it because my back is causing aches and pains everywhere … well today I’m just saying that I’m battling to lift the teapot. So, without grumbling about it to much, I did try read but seriously it was even a bitch to hold the book!
Okay, I know I have done a fair amount of complaining about my back but a herniated/sequestrated disk is worth complaining about. Actually, for the amount of pain I have endured and for the month and month … and MONTHS I have been dealing with this for I don’t think I’ve complained nearly enough.
Today is particularly bad and I think I’m going to have to swallow those strong painkillers. I hate taking medication … I’m sure I mentioned it before, without complaining about it of course.
Is today dragging or is it just me? I know, I know … it’s the weekend and I should be happy that I have a whole day to chill, but seriously today is dragging. I think it’s because my body is sore, there is no place for me to be on my own, toy story is on again, the tea is gross and I have a pain in my neck … or is that I am a pain in the neck?
Just checking … if I don’t say anything but simply *sigh* is that complaining too? Because then I have a whole lot of explaining to do
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published January 4th, 2011
It’s very seldom that I swap out the ritualistic cup of tea for a cold glass of white wine but tonight calls for it. I’m going to cut straight to the chase and say that I’m battling to blog tonight because of the day I’ve had. It’s been a hard, sad and draining one and none of the events even had a direct impact on my life. Well, besides having realised just the other day that I don’t really know how I deal with anger or get angry, today whacked me with a few realisations. Continue reading
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published December 31st, 2010
I did it! I actually did it! I can’t get past staring at the 365 part in the title. I’m awash with emotion and gushing with pride, yet somehow I can’t help but think of everyone but me right now. I have been dreaming about doing the 365th blog and always imagined doing a recap of the year that passed but all I want to do today is say thank you.
This is going to sound totally like the collection of an Oscar award but if you don’t know that little bit of drama in me by now … well you just haven’t read enough of ‘project me’.
Where to begin? Continue reading
Published December 29th, 2010
I can’t believe that in two days time I will have started ‘project me’ a year ago. I can’t believe that I blogged every day this year … well except for the ones that got lost somewhere along the line and the times that my incredible best friend had to help me when my back just would not allow.
I know that on the last day of the year I’m going to reminisce about being goalless yet purposeful, but my day was filled with reminders and realisation that I am, with pride and self worth, actually achieving what I set out to do.
I had such an incredible Tuesday simply because I woke up with a great desire to pick something up and for the rest of the day I had the reminder that everything happens in its own perfect time. Continue reading
Published December 27th, 2010
I reached for a handful of marie biscuits to nibble on with my customary cup of tea during blogging but I was distracted by the faint cry: “No more! I beg of you, no more!” Yep, that would be my tummy that has worked triple time since Christmas day and is anticipating family braai late this afternoon.
What the hell is it about this time of year? Or is it just my family? It wouldn’t be ‘project me’ if I didn’t admit to the fact that there is far, far too much food dragged into this house in the span of three or four days Continue reading
