Jodene is the co-founder of:
and founder of:
Published April 5th, 2012
Every day I wake up and wish that I could change the story I share with you to one that’s a whole lot less financial stressful and emotionally trying because of the pressure that money issues always put on our lives. Yes, there are glimmers of income and we are sitting on so many exciting opportunities, that I know the stories are going to come soon, but in the midst of it, I could so easily fall back into the trap of sounding like a broken record and throwing in the blogging towel.
That’s the only throwing in that might … very slightly … have been up for option. There’s no part of me that nearly close to giving up the fight for my dreams or my business.
A few days ago I had a very big realisation about my blogging and how much I miss the part of me that shares the life’s lessons more than rambles on about the same old, same old events and trials of the day. That epiphany then sparked off another thought that took me to yet another huge change in my attitude towards my life and my dreams.
Greggie and I were chatting about my place in the Social Media community and what I set out to achieve in the world compared to where I am today. I’ve been thinking a lot about that lately and the word ‘thought leader’ has been the one thing that has been weighing on my mind most of all. Yes, I know I’m that, but I think the lines got very blurred about how I got to be that thought leader and find my place in the social media space.
I have to reflect back a few years because I get to my epiphany …
Greggie and I are great fans of Mike Dooley, who started Notes from the Universe. If you aren’t receiving a daily message in your inbox, then I’d change that fast, but in a nutshell, ‘The Universe’ a message every day, that keeps you focused, aware and conscious. When Mike was in South Africa, there was no way we were missing out on him and his seminar was amazing. I’ve learned that there’s always usually ONE thing that stands out and sticks with you forever and on that day Mike spoke about purely focusing on ‘happiness’.
Happiness means something different to everyone and sometimes we don’t even know what happiness means to us. We get fixated on plotting out our goals and making sure that we are following our dreams. All of those things are so effected by everyday life and things totally beyond our control. If we just focus on being happy and knowing that the road might be bumpy to get there, but we wouldn’t be doing anything else that could make us that happy, then everything seems so worth it.
Back to today …
What makes me happy? Teaching … sharing … inspiring … supporting … but mostly, giving people the opportunity to find what they can offer to the world that nobody else can. That’s all I do for myself, every day of my life and that’s how I became who I am in the social media space. Yes, the journey has been amazing and I’m now showing others how to find their uniqueness in their social media space … coz that’s what Lifeology does, but that’s not what made me who I am today.
Focusing on happy made me who I am today. Having faith in waking up and distinguishing between my fears and my happiness has kept me going when things have been the lowest of low. Sharing my ‘project me’ story, that in essence, is all about being conscious of ‘happy’ … that’s what people know me for. That’s what makes me a social influence. That’s where I set my compass when I was a little girl …
That’s my happy!
From as far back as I can remember, when all my friends where on their BMX’s and playing with dolls, my dolls were lined up in a row and I was telling them stories. Not reading them stories, telling them stories. I was teaching them life’s lessons … and I was happy. I hated school, but loved my school projects because I could do anything if I was just allowed to tell a story my way. That’s been the common thread through it all. The compass is set to happy as long as I’m showing just one person in the world that they have their ‘happy’ too … and all they have to do is set their compass.
You don’t even have to know what will make you happy, just know that what you want and deserve … happiness! Then know the difference between fighting on because nothing else will make you happy, even when the moment is sucky and you don’t feel like you feel happy at all. If you’re heart is set to ‘happy’ … you’ll know!
Trust me … you’ll know!
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published April 3rd, 2012
I’m drinking coffee … with sugar!
That’s a good indication of the space I’m in. Well, maybe it’s not the wisest idea to drive the hysterical rush of emotion and realisation with coffee, but I keep a sugar free and pretty healthy house, so when the wheels fall off, I realise the errors of my way. Nothing unhealthy here but sugar … and coffee.
Why the hysteria? Why the chaos?
Well, I’ve had a very interesting realisation or two in the last few hours and it’s gonna take some processing. Firstly, for the first time in ages, I’m thrilled to be blogging. That’s one of the huge epiphanies!
When I started the blog I had other teaching outlets and my blogging space wasn’t meant for that. It’s something that I’ve managed to do for well over 800 days, but today something happened … and I think it changed my blogging space … maybe forever. There’s something about having moments of consciousness that I’ve always wanted to share with the world and in a moment of absolute chaos today, all I wanted to do was get home and blog my thoughts, my lessons and my moment of consciousness:
I’ve woken up jittery over the past few days, battled to blog over the past few weeks and not been able to see my bravery or awesomeness through the noise of fear and chaos in my head. I’m very good at reminding myself that I have the ability to operating in pure face and I have glimmers of slipping into that space of faith, before heading back into the drama of life.
I had one of those days today, where the day was filled with opportunity, yet I was literally so nervous that I wanted to curl away and face everything another day. A great distraction came when Greggie needed to fetch his car from a service and I thought that would be a great way to waste time. The other side of me, the faithless side, hates driving that route when there’s lots of traffic and I wanted to fetch Pat first so he could do the driving. He was out …
It was supposed to be easy enough.
Then the traffic light turned red and Greggie was a whole lot of car ahead of me. I could see him on the corner, but the second traffic light caught me and at the T junction I was lost.
Panic!!
Luckily Pat’s GPS was in the car, so I grabbed it (couldn’t find the bracket, of course) and found ‘home’. Sadly I had already taken the wrong road and I had no idea where the hell I was. The GPS told me to keep right and I, holding it in my hand because the clip was nowhere to be seen, I got too flustered to move lanes and missed the turn AGAIN!
Greggie called and I didn’t have time to talk because I was hysterical, but chatted for long enough for him to tell me that I was on the right road. Never mind the fact that I was holding GPS in my hand and at the top of the screen I could see that it was taking me home.
All of a sudden I had no choice but to calm down and trust the process. Um … isn’t that the fundamental life message?
I had a guiding light in my hands, knew that it would take me to where I needed to go and even if I took the wrong turn, it would still find my home. It would make any road the right the road, even if it meant going the long way round, but all I had to do was calm down, have faith and trust the process.
Wow, for someone so connected to myself, to Goddess, to the consciousness of the power of faith, I sure don’t have the ‘calm’ to trust t process. That’s the issue. I have faith, but I’m not calm in the space of having faith. I doubt the very signs that guide me. I doubt my ability to look around and see what I know (as Greggie pointed out, I’ve driven that route with him dozens of times).
I’m on a road. It’s the right one. It might not lead me directly to where I want to go because of the choices I’ve made along the way, but it’s taking me home.
That’s the trickiest part of all … the part where you first have to know where home is. That’s where your dreams lie waiting for you to find them. That’s where the pot of gold is at the end of the rainbow. I’m fortunate enough to know where my ‘home’ is … and maybe I should share the story of how I got to know what … Tomorrow!
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published July 28th, 2011
Thanks to The Venus Network and Bobbi Brown Makeup for an amazing opportunity: One of SA's ambassadors for my dream product range!
Huddled into one of the bead encrusted private circles at the Circle Bar in the Crowne Plaza Johannesburg, there sat 10 hand picked ladies with lipstick.
Let me backtrack a touch so that you understand why this moment is not about makeup of the success of my blog or an exciting career moment.
Years ago I used to teach things like affirmations, visualisations and the very practical parts of manifestation and laws of attraction. My angle was and will always be very different and half the time I was saving the reputation of the Universe because as people said their first affirmation, something usually fell apart in their lives. Well, if you were moving in the right direction before the vision board was stuck up in your office then nothing would need to change, now would it?
I got affirmations and vision boards wrong myself when I first set out and when I look at the pictures I plastered all over it, it is a reminder of how far I have come and that’s what drives me forward. I have no intention of redoing my vision board for that very reason.
So the other day a friend of mine asked me how I am managing to manifest so many things that I have visualised and I found it almost impossible to explain. The more I thought about it the more it became so very clear how I have manifested certain things down to how I imagined it in my daydreams.
Dreams are wild and they are many, but I think we have a habit of focusing on the bigger ones and not taking the littlest things as a confirmation of the power of our ability to manifest. Because ‘project me’ has made me focus on every day and look for the positive, conscious and fearlessness that lies within me, I have been lucky enough to see those little things as my own power to manifest.
In steps Bobbi Brown makeup and most probably one of the greatest gifts I have managed to manifest for myself. After this, I swear I know I can do anything that is within my purpose and integrity (yep, very strategically worded … hint, hint for those trying to figure out how to manifest!).
After manifesting sponsorship on my blog, I had glimmers of realising I could do anything I wanted to. I think because money hasn’t flowed like water, it would have been so easy for me to say I am failing, when in truth, if I manifest the tiniest thing i dream of, I am living and succeeding.
Greggie isn’t the average gay best friend (okay I stuffed that manifestation up after an overdose of Will and Grace) because he doesn’t want to go bra or makeup shopping with me, but he does know Bobbi Brown! Why? Because I’ve been saying it for nearly 2 years to him! My mom knows, some of my friends know, my dreams certainly know just how much I love Bobbi Brown makeup and how I have been saying, for months, that I would give anything to have Bobbie Brown on board with ‘project me’.
The longest story made short … I $#%^ did it!! I manifested Bobbi Brown!!!
It has been an amazing journey to be a part of The Venus Networks and I have loved every moment of working with an amazing company. It is a huge thank you to The Venus Networks and Bobbi Brown for believing in me enough to make me one of 15 SA woman to be ambassadors for my dream product.
Somewhere along the line I manifested something tiny, that I was so ecstatically grateful for and that made me realise I could manifest the next thing. When I reached that next thing I must have been so ecstatically grateful and I realised that I could then manifest something greater, bigger and better. Then I manifested the partnership I have dreamed of with ‘project me’ and I am so ecstatically happy that I have realised there is more, bigger, better and greater just waiting out there for me … the only difference is my lipstick officially matches my powerful dream!!
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published July 15th, 2011
I must confess, I’ve been snappy, grouchy and not much fun at all. My first reaction would be to beat myself up about this and I have heard myself say that I don’t have much personality, but I know that’s not true. I think I’m truly beginning to experience that fear that comes along with actually realising that it’s possible to manifest the dreams that float around in daydreamy moments and vision boards.
With creating dreams, there’s a whole lot of real life adjusting that never fits into the thought process when images of our future floats through our brain. I dreamed of making impact and being recognised for all the hard work I have put into my blog and social media as a whole, but no one could ever prepare me for the fear that comes along with sitting live on air and not knowing what will be asked of me. I would be lying if I didn’t feel a little ill about tomorrow morning’s interview on Radio 2000. The upside is that it’s at sparrows so I don’t have a day of anticipation and in my head I’ve convinced myself that the whole country will still be sleeping and it will just be me and Angela who is interviewing me.
Those dreams are still the little ones, but when I have a meeting and the Eurocom team ask me what my once in a lifetime dream is … and then they ask me if they can create a package for me to the be the host and do whatever I like … well that’s some crazy dreaming.
Not to play down the dream at all, but even if the package is created and it never becomes a reality … no, what am I saying? If I got this far with my dreams then this one is so coming true.
I’ve spoken Country music until I’ve slowly converted a few of you out there but no matter what, I’ve never stopped dreaming of heading off to the home of Country and seeing my dream group … Rascal Flatts. They will never head off to South Africa even if I do an affirmation a day and create the biggest witchy brew ever. So my only other dream was to head off to Tennessee, Texas, Carolina, Georgia and anywhere else where my greats and … Jack Daniels was born.
Below are the words to one of Rascal Flatts songs and I was singing it all the way home, from the moment it sunk in that, if Eurocom and myself create an awesome enough package and there are enough Jack Daniels drinking, line dancing, cowboy boot wearing girls and guys out there … that I could actually manifest my craziest dream.
Isn’t that what manifesting is all about anyway …
There’s that star, the one they said we’d never reach
And just close your eyes
There’s the missing moon, there’s the Milky Way
Heaven’s straight ahead, we’ll be there today
Rainbows right and left, sunshine everywhere
If it couldn’t be baby, how did we get here
Chorus
Some say we’ll never get if off the ground
Some say we’ll never make it out of town
That someday we’ll end up a world apart
And some say we’re a couple of crazy kids
And some say that’s exactly what they did
And I say you got to go with your heart
And baby, look where we are
There’s that home, the one they said we’d never share
And just close your eyes
There’s the picket fence, there’s our mailbox
Puppy on the porch and roses up the walk
Shinny minivan, kids in every seat
Someday we’ll look back and see it wasn’t just a dream
(Repeat Chorus)
(Instrumental)
(Repeat Chorus)
Some say – oh, oh
Some say, some say
Some say, yes they do, some say
Oooo, Oooo, Oooo, Oooo
Some say, some say, some say, yeah
Some say, some day, some say
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published April 21st, 2011
So, how do you like the look?
Yes, there are a lot of looks in that one loaded sentence.
There’s the new design and layout that has been implemented because advertising is officially a reality.
There’s the ‘um’ of red hair that is still out with the jury and then there’s the look of the gorgeous handbags that I’m hanging onto with the fresh new owners of 6 on Thirteenth.
That’s a lot of ‘new’ and I get the feeling that it’s only the beginning. I can feel something within me that is slowly growing into more of the ‘in your face’ individual that I was born to be.
That’s why there has been such a burst of fiery red that has changed the look of the blog. As I said, I’m not so sure that the ‘Bree’ red suits without reverting back to some quirky ‘Desperate Housewives’ drama that I worked so hard at dropping. This new look me has more to do with putting myself out into the world and being noticed. Yes, yes … if you have been following this blog for long I fully entitle you to roll your eyes at the fact that I was crying not so long ago and wondering how the hell I was going to do what is now coming so naturally to me.
Take last night’s function at 6 on Thirteenth for instance. The dynamic duo of mother and son, Matt and Bev Counihan launched their Kathy van Zeeland handbag business and there I was, invited as a blogger and introduced to people as a speaker. No mess, no fuss … just a girl doing her thing and making her way in the world.
I say it again, as I do so often on this special space that I have created: Tell yourself the truth, make it all about you and if it’s still your dream … fight on and never give up. It might be a slightly premature statement when my ego takes a peak at it, but from where I’m standing (in my project me shoes) it’s freaking awesome.
All of a sudden I am realising that hanging onto the believe in myself has sparked the most unbelievable belief in me by others. In a meeting today we were discussing how there is nothing new under the sun. That is true, but in the same breath there is no one as unique as me either.
The new look goes beyond Project Me and I am humbled to call Greg Arthur my business partner (I’ve boasted more than enough about the incredible friendship). Just this week I have watched our business speak for itself through the sheer magnificence of his presence, confidence in each other and our brands and ability to spark up new ideas in the midst of chaos.
It’s the long easter weekend and there are moments of works and scatterings or rest, which never seems to come at a good time for a business owner. I’m not taking away from the religious aspect or the fact that people in business sectors might truly revel in this time off, but it really has come when things are tapering on the edge of booming and business meetings are lining up by the dozen. So while everyone lays low and takes in the holiday time, I’m working on my new look … a look as carefully crafted and uniquely manufactured as the very handbags on the shoulders of the friends I welcome into the world of entrepreneurship … hold onto your handbags, it’s one hell of a ride.
A very special thank you goes out to my sponsor, Bruce Young for all the changes and the awesome design of my blog.
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published April 2nd, 2011
Amidst all the boxes and drama that goes along with a move, there is also the constant push to make the business the success that I know it is going to be. And so the day was spent laced with a lot of personal distress that I slowly had to work through before a big business dinner.
Here’s the story in a nutshell. I need a bed. There is no cash flow at the moment to just pop out and buy one and now I have had to take the fridge that I gave my little sis and her hubby (to keep) and sell it.
Project me is extremely trying when it comes to putting myself first and showing the world that it does always have to be about ‘me’. It’s tough to stick within integrity and do what’s best for you while making sure that you don’t break promises you made. It was hard to convince myself that I had lent the fridge until I needed it … and I do.
When I was younger I used to have asthma attacks when I was stressed. Over the years it settled, but when I am very stressed I have these coughing spells. Over the years that I grew more into handling life and taking responsibility for every situation I find myself in, the coughing has almost vanished. I can count on my hand the number of times it’s happened in a good couple of years. Then all of a sudden it’s 3 fits in about a week. So, I really am that stressed and scared.
Isn’t it ironic then, that the business dinner swung open opportunities that I didn’t expect in my wildest dreams. It’s going exactly according to plan but certainly not in the way I had thought. It’s tough to explain because we only the first step into negotiations and my business mind is boggled. At this point I have to say that according to my numerology, I work much better in a partnership, but then numbers don’t need to tell me that. I just needed to glance to my right and see Greg sitting beside me and I knew I was in the best company.
Believe it or not, I still have little girl issues. For some reason I keep thinking that he’s going to ‘shout’ at me after a meeting. It’s so bad that he said he even noticed I got in the car with a little apprehension. I’m still trying to figure it out myself and it has nothing to do with Greg. Somewhere along the line I picked up the notion that I’m not equipped to make business deals. That’s pathetic … I know!
So, the plans are underway and it’s all about Organic Orgasm and being the name and face behind an incredible group of ladies who will host events, parties and functions. Of course we hit a wall when trying to get an ad into the local newspaper because the word ‘orgasm’ is still so inappropriate, the first step is to tone the name down without losing it … hence, Organic O! I’m so excited and can … ‘O’!!
One little step will unfold at a time and I think the weeks ahead are going to be very exciting. It does come at a time when money has become a major issue and I’m trying not to slip into the collective question of ‘what am I doing wrong?’ If this meeting is anything to go by, I’m doing nothing wrong at all and sometimes money isn’t the benchmark of success at all.
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published March 18th, 2011
It’s no secret that this girl loves to social network in the comfort of my own little space in my cyber world and it’s undeniable that my plan is working fabulously and that social networking and I are very cozy bosom buddies. It’s also a no-brainer that something had to shift if the magical fairies of manifestation are going to turn my dreams into a reality. That’s always the one part of manifestation that I trip over, stub my toes and burst out crying over … the do something different/face your fears part. Trust me, I’ve tried to invoke a miracle and defy the laws of attraction, but here I sit with a failed yet grateful for my failure story to tell.
I always say it: Throw me in front of a crowd and I am all confidence and not faking a single moment of me. Send me out into the world alone and I become the little girl, Jodene, who I don’t remember as being very brave at all. I mean, really, take away all of the cuteness (oh good, you can see it too) and I don’t see much oozy confidence in that little girl face.
At Lifeology we recommend that you do one thing each day that scares you. One thing … not days on end with scary, out of comfort zone events. Well that’s been my last few days. Traveling alone totally scares me. Horrid clouds that shake a plane silly, hopelessly scares me. Talking to strange men on non-escapable airplanes intimidates me a little (or a little more than a little). Being stranded in an airport not knowing why the plane isn’t in the sky is up there with things that unsettle me. Do I sound like a woos right about now?
Lucky for me, the things that usually freak people out is the stuff that doesn’t freak me at all. Now that I’ve given myself and my ego that little save, I can mention one more thing that I absolutely HATE doing on my own. Drum roll please … I HATE arriving at places on my own. I can go to a movie by myself and shop for ages all alone and even take myself out to dinner, but don’t make me arrive at a function all by myself. Yuk! Yes … I said Yuk!!
So after returning from Cape Town after being stranded in the airport and then thrown around the sky wall sitting next to a strange man who was offering to buy me wine … I had a ladies networking event to attend. This would be easy … phone a friend and don’t go alone. The one bit of bravery thing was done hours ago and I expected the rest of the day to go my way. I can picture the manifestation fairies chuckling at me, constantly.
It was supposed to be easy … call Hustler Girl. Right, she was busy. Beg little sis who looked hagged after a seriously hard day’s work (I tried not to care, trust me). Beg mother … ok, that was going nowhere. Sulk for 10 minutes that you business partner and best friend (same person) is a male. A cute male would look great in drag, but still a no-can-do for the networking event.
Sulk for another 5 minutes. I tried to convince myself that the airport and airplane saga was too much for me, but we all know I’m not much of a quitter … so I put on the war-paint and my big girl panties and headed to the networking event.
If you say I told you so, (not mentioning any names … Greg Arthur or a certain Robbie) you shall consider yourself unspoken to for at least 24 hours.
I will let The Venus Networks introduce itself: An on-going collaboration between brands and a group of carefully selected women, designed to ensure that the products and brands that women buy, and the information they receive, fit into their world, not the other way around.
It’s undeniable, I’m a Venus Girl and pretty damn thrilled at myself for facing the dozenth fear for the day and attending the networking function on my own. I always say that The Universe rewards bravery and my reward was being surrounded by an unbelievable crowd of inspirational women. We all had the same goal in mind … FUN of course! It was great to just be girls … girls with ideas, dreams, aspirations, visions and very big plans. You need three things when women network … food, champagne and a pen. In this era of technology don’t think any of us whipped out our Blackberry’s or find them for that matter. Thank heavens for the good old fashioned business card and some very smart Venus ideas that are only conjured up by networking women.
They say it only takes one and this was it. The one! The one moment that broke a little more shackles that tie me to the world of online networking and throws me out into the world for another very powerful form of social networking. A ‘project me’ moment of great self pride and the reward of meeting new and reconnection with familiar empowering women who are all The Venus Networks.
A special thank you to the ladies of the diligo online fashion shop for a great night, an instant connection, immediate social plans and a great concept!
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published March 16th, 2011
I’m half dressing, half blogging and finishing off the last bit of packing. It’s a checklist free moment, which I thought I would never achieve in my life. It takes a lot of trust for a control freak to pack with the realisation that I’m not going to the middle of nowhere and if I’ve forgotten anything I can buy it. Greggie taught me that lesson when we went to Italy together. It was laced with sarcasm, but the point stuck with me.
The last time I climbed on a plane all by myself was in 1989! Yes … I kid you not! I’m not the greatest loner-traveler!
On the other hand, I am a big dreamer and a very determined individual so climbing on a plane to fly to Cape Town for my first out of town talk … well that I can totally overcome. Last night at our regular Tuesday night get-together, I was telling my mom and Greggie that it’s amazing how you overcome things at the perfect time. I seriously thought I would be in a much bigger state over leaving Greggie at the check-in line and having to do the rest all by myself, including trusting that the people who respect me and have invited me to Cape Town will remember to fetch me.
Wow … my first out of town talk!!!
It’s on days like this that I am thrilled I started telling my ‘project me’ story when moments like this were just as picture stuck on a vision board.
Amazingly, when I created the vision board I wasn’t even business partners with Greggie. There was no concept of an incredible business called Lifeology. There certainly was no intention under the sun of teaching people about sex. I don’t think I was confident enough to have an orgasm let alone mention the word and now I’m traveling to do a talk under my brand ‘organic orgasm’.
I love that about vision boards! It’s one of the things I most wanted to teach before I found my passion for organic orgasm and project me. I wanted to teach people the hidden secrets as to why people don’t manage to manifest what they plaster all over their vision boards. I wanted to teach people that when you look back at your board, it won’t look anything like the dreams you initially had in mind back then … it will be better.
Greg and I often contemplate how we are going to get messages across to the world and the one that always baffles us most is trying to explain to people the steps that either of us took to get from merely dreaming to truly living. How did I get from the shy, insecure girl who couldn’t say ‘sex’ to the woman who now helps other people explore the wonders of their bodies, their partner’s bodies and the endless joys of sex?
Oh, you want an answer to that? Hmmmm … I went with the flow. I didn’t resist the moments that life threw at me. I listened to my teachers and then threw out the things I didn’t like. I added in the things I did and then realised that I didn’t like some of those things and so I threw out ideas and beliefs all over again.
I risked!! I risked like hell, I might tell you! I risked being destitute at one point and I risked the disapproval of my family at another, but at those moments, that’s when I realised what I wanted most of all.
And then one day you wake up and you are doing things that might scare the living daylights out of you, but you wouldn’t be anywhere else in the world. So, my bags are nearly packed and my incredibly supportive business partner is nearly on his way to fetch me for the airport. On the other side, the team from Sensual Boutique are awaiting my arrival after an invitation to be a guest speaker at their sexy store in Table View.
I could be stressed that the crowd is small and at one point I contemplated canceling because numbers were low but then I remembered going to a talk by one of my great inspirations, Mike Dooley. He spoke of doing his talk and there were only two people in the audience … his mother and his brother. Now he travels around the world and he fills halls.
That too, is on my vision board … watch this space!
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published February 19th, 2011
In creating my own reality, I choose what to believe and it always becomes my truth. I spend my life saying ‘I am that powerful’, ‘you are the powerful’, and ‘we are that powerful’. One of my realities is that everything has its duality. Light has dark, love has hate, happiness has sadness.
I had one of those days filled with perfect duality. I use the word ‘perfect’ very loosely because I wasn’t feeling much perfection while weeping into a towel because tissues weren’t capable of absorbing the tears.
I woke up to the drained feeling that has been filling my days but found the determination to go to gym with pride and enthusiasm. I went from bouncing excitement that I am constantly going to gym to almost having to hold onto the rail for the last lap around the track because my body was that exhausted.
On the way home I had a long chat with myself and the encouraging speech got me fired up to get a lot off my to-do list. Sadly, I walked into the dual feeling of a destructive speech in one of those conversations that starts with ‘don’t say aything, but …’. I hate those conversations because I live in utter truth. YES … I do live in utter truth. I can’t even lie if the tea is too cold and I don’t appreciate other’s not being able to speak their truth to me.
Calm moved to rage and pride moved to shattered esteem.
I decided not to drain my business partner with the duality of my emotion because he’s on a roll and I didn’t feel it fair. Instead, from feeling engulfed with support I felt alone in the world, but that duality served a purpose too. I worked my little butt off … not out of spite and to ‘show them’ (all those who think I am failing or going to fail), but because I am a surviver and I believe enough in myself and my dreams.
My post starts with a beautiful picture and saying that a friend made just because she wanted to remind me of how much she loves and appreciates me. I stared into my own eyes and loved the light and joy that I shine into the world.
However, just a few moments prior my can opener broke and I had enough rage in those very eyes to take a knife to the can and literally stab and tear it open. If there were the need I might even have used me teeth.
One man let my down by ignoring me because I hurt him with my truth and another made my day by sending me a message that said “Keep it up girl, and never stop believing in yourself.”
One friend praised me for what I do and another said she can’t associate her business with my venture of empowering women through my Organic Orgasm talks.
I was the closest to having the most visits on my site in a day and then the furthest away when my hosting company failed me again and my site went down.
I cried with absolute self pity and then laughed with absolute self pride.
Yet, through it all I did some things I never thought I would do … I never forgot the beauty of it all. I honoured every emotion and every thought. I didn’t shy away from the hatred or anger and I didn’t try deny that I am perfect in my eyes. And when my friend sent me that beautiful gesture and perfect saying and I stared at the can I had just mutilated … I smiled at my truth that everything is (as always) exactly as it should be.
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published August 7th, 2010Damn my patriotism! Sometimes it’s not all that it’s cut out to be when something runs through your veins and is as much a part of your DNA as the essence of your being.
I’ve had one of those days where I’ve dealt with all the things that run through my veins but frustrate the living daylights out of me. Continue reading
