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Published March 21st, 2012
I’m still blogging. There’s something in not giving up on a relationship while trying to figure out what the next move is with it. So today I got to wake up super late, which is great seeing as though I’m pumped up on meds to get rid of this nasty spider bite … that only seems to be getting more painful.
I reached for phone (which acts as my clock/watch) and gasped because I thought I had forgotten to organise a guest for Angela’s Sunday morning radio slot of ‘project me’ and the realised … it’s not Sunday. Public holidays are those little gifts for the working peeps, but when you own your own business and there’s burning stuff to be done … like a Tweetup in 6 days time and not nearly enough people, a pubic holiday can be somewhat annoying.
Crisis averted and a few more days to plan the Sunday morning show, but I sent an immediate message to my dear friend, Jarred Orlin AKA the gossip guy and asked him to be my project me guest. Yay, he’s doing it so that’s another week sorted.
So tomorrow I have an interview with the Venus Networks for their product, Estee Lauder and they are coming to chat to me about my perfume collection, which I blogged about not so long ago. That got a bee in my bonnet because Pat and I have had plans to fix up the room after my sis gave us a gorgeous headboard for our engagement, but we haven’t gotten around to it. What better day than a Sun … um … public holiday.
The day kinda went like that. Every once in a while I would want to do something Sunday, like get ready to record the Mnet movie or plan dinner for Monday because I teach at nights. Then it was Wednesday all over again and back to settling into a public holiday, that might be needed but has me frustrated seeing as though I feel like there’s so much to do and so little time.
The Sunday (well, you know what I mean by now) blues have made me realise something a little deeper about my aversion to my blog at the moment. Wait, before I go there I have to stop and thank my amazing readers and friends, who have slowly found time to tell me how much they love ‘project me’ and share their reasons for not commenting. Not that the commenting or retweeting has anything to do with my final decision about the blog … it’s just and excuse to not have to get ‘project me’ real about the space I’m in.
The reality of the space I’m in and I think I’m getting to the nitty gritty of why the blog is getting to me so much, stems for the straw that broke the camel’s back today.
After my dad passed away, I shared a country song with my mom, where the lyrics go: ‘Life’s not the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away’. From that day on, that song has been very emotional for both my mom and I as we both reflect on our relationship with my dad, in our own special way. Money is tight. Money is more than tight and Pat and I are still out there doing everything in our power to live our individual dreams. Our bedroom looks gorgeous, but we’ve done it on a shoestring budget and there are things we know we’ll improve on as the money begins to flow.
Then I was it.
A picture frame with the words of the song written around it. I had to have it. Finances are strained but I still couldn’t walk out of that store without having it for my mom and I had to turn to Pat for help. Help that he really can’t give me, but gave me anyway. That set the tears going and all the frustration that has been building about … let me breathe before I vent …
I have worked so fucking hard and I still can’t by my mom the simplest, yet most precious present that costs only a few hundred rand. That’s it … that’s why I don’t wanna blog anymore … it’s because I’ve been telling this money story since before I even began blogging and I’m trying not to feel like a right royal failure for still not having a decent income after two years.
That’s the truth … that’s the reality … that’s why the blogging currently sucks … that’s why I have the Sunday blues like all hell!!!
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published March 7th, 2011
I have a friend, I call my dragon. And as you can imagine, it’s not a very good friend. For most of my life I’ve lived with anxiety issues, OCD and depression. It makes doing normal every day things difficult. Luckily I’m a reader and escape into a magical world every chance I can. I can’t begin to tell you how much books have changed my life and my way of thinking. But I don’t just read them, I want to write them, and have been practicing now for 17 years.
All my anxiety problems hit me when I was 5 years old, pretty much over night. Over time I got to the point of getting physically sick just going grocery shopping. It made my childhood very difficult and hard to enjoy. Ok so it made most of my life before I found antidepressants, aka my happy pills, difficult and hard to enjoy. Things hit rock bottom in 2004 when I had my first miscarriage. It’s one of the darkest times in my life, and one that still has an impact on me. I became pregnant with my son just a couple of months later, but I couldn’t enjoy it. When he was a year and a half, I had a total breakdown while brushing my teeth. To this day I won’t speak of the thoughts I had, but it was like standing in a hard down pour. I was hit with one horrible thought after another. I scared my husband so badly he wouldn’t go to work the next day. A few days later I learned that I’d been right about being depressed all those years, but had no clue I also had OCD.
It’s been 5 years now, many happy pills later, and while I still deal with the anxiety and depression every day, I’m so much better than I used to be. I got to a point of not wanting to leave my house, I was sure that everyone was laughing at how over weight I’d become. Then I started imagining all the things that could happen to me and my family on road trips, even just to the grocery store. Every day became a nightmare, but once the pills kicked in that all changed. All of it. Nothing was completely gone, but it was manageable. I wasn’t 100% cured, but for the first time I felt like I was me, like I wasn’t just observing the world from above. It was the coolest thing, and even on my worst days, I can still see a difference.
Most days I don’t feel brave or like I’ve accomplished anything, most days I feel like a total failure because my depression and OCD still affects what I do. But I keep trying, because I’m determined not to let something like a mental disorder dictate my life and the mark I leave behind.
My writing has gone OCD I have to admit, if I don’t write I notice my moods turn dark and my anxiety goes on high. Like any writer, I want published, I want it badly and every day I’m a little bit closer.
Today I’m a stay at home mom of two miracle babies, having lost three in miscarriages, I’m married to a remarkable man who says nothing if I read or write all day, and I couldn’t ask for more.
Sponsors information: The Lunatic Cafe Blog
Blog URL: http://the-lunatic-cafe.blogspot.com/
On a personal note, I have been following The Lunatic Cafe blog for almost as long as I have been blogging. I remember the day I joined the blogging community and glazed over the thousands of blogs. Very few caught my eye, but only one stood out because of the truth that laced every word.
Nikki lives with a mental illness that is beyond my comprehension. Her bravery came shining through from the moment I read her first post. So did her humour. Because I believe that there is always a reason to laugh, I have been a fan of her outlook on life and an admirer of her daily attempt at living life to the full.
Although we are thousands of miles away from each other and have never heard each others voices or given each other a hug, I would like to introduce you to one of my dearest friends. Her blog is nothing short of bold, real and a joy to read.
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published January 20th, 2011
Today’s post was supposed to be entitled Laugh, cry, sigh, ice cream! I have been anticipating blogging all day and have so much to share with you about yesterday but it’s another day in South Africa.
If you are anywhere else in the world that might need a little explaining. The weather is perfect and I am sitting in the gorgeous apartment of my dearest friend, Twinkletoes.
The African kicker though is that my electricity at home went off just after 10pm last night. The not having electricity part is pretty normal, but for it to be off for so many hours is now just pathetic (oooh, I think I just ranted for the first time on my blog!) So mom and I were rescued by Twinkletoes who fetches us and plugged everything in at his quaint apartment. Blackberry’s and laptops are all charging … hallelujah!! Unless something very exciting happens in the short few hours left of the day I might not have much to blog about tomorrow because no electricity and offline for hours doesn’t generate much news.
Yesterday was a different story though. It was jam packed with emotion, events and project me moments. Now that the builders have moved onto the property the wake up call is the sound of banging, crashing and workmen shouting instructions to each other. Now I’m up earlier, but with all the exciting plans I don’t seem to be minding all that much. Once I’ve finished blogging in the morning I find I have time for a whole lot of other ideas to flow and am getting more comfortable with the routine that doesn’t have to revolve around the blog. I can’t believe how much of a role the blog is now playing in the business and it’s been an incredible exercise to prepare press packs, work so closely with my stats and brainstorm ideas to turn the blog into a stable income for the business. Yesterday will filled with a new concept that we are working on and I can’t wait for the big reveal. It’s just a little difficult to hold onto that excitement when the home that my father built for us is being torn down around me. All my boxes that have been in storage don’t have space there anymore and now I see them being left hanging around the entrance, shoved into cupboards and piled up on the outside patio! Talks of how, where and when of the move are also weighing on me and I keep on having to drag my mind back to the excitement and enthusiasm of the day. That’s why I Tweeted and Facebooked that no matter what the priorities of the day where, ice cream was the order of the day.
Twinkletoes came to the rescue again and we threw together an impromptu dinner where the food was just a sideline for the big ice cream finale. I always say that ice cream can solve the world’s problems and my theory was pretty much proved right last night. I don’t hold many elements of shame still, thanks to all the ‘project me’ work I have done one myself. However, living with my mom is something I seem to still battle with.
Because of this I haven’t had many friends over in the year and a half I have been home and then created chaos by stressing that I don’t want to move with my mother in the next few months. I don’t have any private space and this isn’t great for a single 30-something year old girl with needs and a sponsor who owns an adult store. My friends are very open and we always end up getting completely inappropriate when we get together. No, we don’t strip down naked in front of each other, but we do share stories about who we stripped down naked in front of.
When I live alone my home is very open and I have lost a lot of that since moving back to my mom (for all the right reasons!) Last night everything changed though … there Twinkletoes, Greggie, my mom and I had dinner together. I gave myself a pep talk in the morning and decided to get over my crap and ask them for dinner. I didn’t invite my brother or sister to the table even though they live there and I battled with that too. Yet, we ended up having one of the best nights I have had in years. There was nothing my friends couldn’t say in front of my mom and the whole time I was wondering why I shouldn’t have done this years ago? That settled my mind instantly and I feel chilled that I will be able to move with my mom. We are more like friends now and there is no part of me that is disrespectful, so what the hell have I been carrying on about?
If you’ve been following my blog you will also know that it’s not like I choose to share my space with fleeting shags either. I realised something else last night. While the candles were lit, the dinner was prefect and the ice cream was served fit for a king, I repeated the thing that I always say: “Whoever gets me will be very lucky!” For the first time I understood what I was saying. I wasn’t asking myself where this person in my life is. I was stating that he’s out there and wondering why I just haven’t let him in yet? No pressure of course … but maybe it’s time to think about just how powerful I am!
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published November 3rd, 2010I sat down to blog at about 11pm last night and had one of the most important moments with myself. Sliding my chair back, I knew that I had done enough for one day and that this could wait. I’m at the most crucial time of my healing because I am off all the strong medication and am still able to write. Two little over the counter painkillers saw me through the day and I could feel the push to do more.
Yesterday was beyond words for me. Continue reading
Published July 21st, 2010
The synchronicity of my thoughts and everyone else’s questions has sparked an interesting question. What happens to project me after day 135?
First Greggie asked, but his was more sarcasm at what excuse I would use to get out of dates early and leaving him to clean his kitchen after I have made a total mess cooking.
Then my special cyber friend, Robbie, who has supported me and my ‘project’ from the moment it started asked what after day 365? Continue reading
Published July 20th, 2010I have just deleted all that I had planned to blog about and find myself with a blank canvas and a heading that I have no intention of changing. I had started to reminisce and list all of the events that have filled up the precious moments of ‘project me’ and even went as far as to link certain events for further reminiscing, but then I realised that I know my story well enough and so do my loyal followers. Continue reading
blog, friends, happiness, healing, heart, life, love, organic orgasm, Project Me, teaching, truth | 
4 CommentsPublished July 19th, 2010Firstly, my Greggie is sick and my natural mothering instincts are to molly coddle him and make sure that he does all the things within the collective to make sure he gets better. That would just be totally dumb considering we both know that he didn’t ‘catch’ flu and that manifested if from whatever is going on in that gorgeous physical body of his. So there’s no stopping him from doing anything he doesn’t want to do and the battle was won at about lunch time when I left him in capable hands of a dear friend and toddled on home. Continue reading
Published July 18th, 2010It’s human nature to focus on the ‘don’t haves’ and I’ve made it my mission this year to be as conscious as possible and realise all that I do have. In 2 days time I will have hit the 200 mark of ‘project me’. 200 days of being conscious and focusing on all that I do have. I can write lists about the gratitude I have for my life and am also bold enough to say how awesome I know I am and the impact that I know I can have on the world. Or do I? Continue reading
Published June 28th, 2010Waking up to a blog filled with comments about happiness and excitement about my ‘wow’ moment made me think … wow (a different kind of wow!) I’m one lucky girl because I really have the most beautiful friends. Continue reading
Published June 26th, 2010It’s my blog and it’s my project and I should be allowed to blog when I like. Um … you think?
No … I have to blog in the moment! Who thought of this blogging daily and telling the world my truth stuff?? I wish I had some irresponsible marketing dude to blame … but I don’t! It’s me … it was my brainy idea!
So I’m blogging … but it took me the entire day to do it. Every time I started and had to spill my truth I would hear my ego say “I can’t do it!’. I even dragged myself off to my favourite restaurant, Hodges, and tried to blog off my Blackberry … but miracle of miracles, Continue reading
