Project Me

Just over 4 years ago, I did a course called Sacred Contracts.  The understanding and knowledge that I gained in this course was life changing.  But as life goes, nothing just changes overnight, there is always a transition period.  Change is always unsettling and uncomfortable.  Letting go of what we have perceived to be part of us is painful.  What we don’t realise is that these things and people have never been part of us, they have been part of our journey.  They are souls who have agreed to come into our lives to serve a purpose, helping us learn certain lessons that we have agreed to learn in this lifetime.  Once they have served their purpose in our life, their ‘job’ is done.  It is time for us to move on and take the lessons that we have learned and move forward, allowing us to use the lesson and the knowledge to ultimately fulfil our life’s purpose.  Often because we fear change so much, we hold on long after we should’ve let go and we stunt our growth in the process.  Sometimes we never fulfil our purpose because we are too busy holding onto what is behind us and we cannot move forward.

Moving to Australia was a very difficult and painful time of my life.  I left behind me my country, my family and friends and all that was familiar to me.  I became a stranger in a strange land and a stranger to myself and my family.  I pined to go back home where I was safe and loved and where I felt as if I belonged.  I wanted to go back to my comfort zone.  I’ve never felt so unsettled or uncomfortable.  What I didn’t realise then, was that this was my transition phase, my chance to either hold onto the past or let go and move forward to truly be who I was meant to be.  Chaos reigned and when the pain of holding on became greater than the fear of letting go, I let go and I took a baby step forward.

I have spent around 6 months questioning my life, my actions and my intentions.  What was I doing and why was I doing it.  In all honesty I questioned my own sanity.  What I did realise though is that I had no more place in my heart for anything but love.  I strive to steer clear of negative thoughts and emotions as they seem to somehow sap my energy.  I found compassion and understanding and love were all that I wanted to focus on and all I wanted to give.  Perhaps it was because of the immense sadness I felt at the huge changes in my life, what I perceived to be loss.

My family and many friends feel that I have lost the plot, I’m having a midlife crisis, I’m selfish and self centred.  How they choose to look at my life, is entirely their perception and their choice.  They have their own lessons to learn from this.  It has nothing to do with me and they can only perceive as they have not walked in my shoes.  I alone am responsible for my happiness.  I alone am responsible for me and the choices that I make in my life.  This has nothing whatsoever to do with anyone else and the only people that I take any responsibility for besides myself are my 2 beautiful daughters.  I will not allow myself to be bound by guilt at the choices I have made or the choices I will make going forward.  These choices have set me free and for the first time I feel that I have a clear understanding of my life and what I am meant to accomplish.

I by no means am saying that I have never been happy and that my life has been a mistake up until now.  I have been happy and I have loved deeply and been loved deeply in return.  I am truly grateful to the people in my past for the love and happiness they have brought me but it is now time to move on.

In the Sacred Contracts course, I learned that each of us has 12 Archetypes.  The Archetype that sits in my 12th house, which is also my birth month, is the Martyr.  I have lived my life in the shadow of the martyr and by doing so I have, for a long time, not been true to who I really am.  I’ve lived my life doing what others would perceive as acceptable, been the good wife, mother daughter, sister and friend.  However, often when I am alone with myself, I have longed for an escape to once again be who I truly am.  I’ve always felt shame over that person who wanted so badly to escape.  She was bad, she was the little bitch, the slut, the rebel.  I’ve hidden that shameful person away from the world, I’ve been what my parents, brothers and sister and husband wanted me to be.  Why?  Perhaps because the shame and rejection I felt when I was that person was just too painful for me.  So I became someone who was acceptable to them at the expense of standing in my truth and being who I truly am.

The people I surrounded myself with became my armour against who I truly was.  They made me strong and helped me fight this terrible monster inside me.  When I left my country and the people I loved behind me, I also left all my defences and I was faced, naked and vulnerable with my truth.  Oh the shame I have felt!!!

But after much soul searching and much reflection on my life over the past 18 months, I have come to learn that this monster is not a monster at all.  This is ME, it is WHO I TRULY AM.  I could not understand why I felt so little emotion over the breakup of my marriage, how I so easily and comfortably let go of my past and the people in it that did not understand the choices that I had made.  How I felt so ready to move on with my life and live.  Why did I feel at peace and happy within myself??  What was wrong with me???!!  I should not be feeling this way, surely?!  Yes, I should be feeling like this because in the whole process I have set myself free.  I am not pretending anymore, I am not being who others expect me to be and what society deems as acceptable….I am being me.

After a particular event that happened about 6 weeks ago, I was faced with a choice, a very big choice that would affect the rest of my life.  There was hesitation for maybe a day as the shock and reality of the situation set in.  At no point did I doubt what I was supposed to be doing but fear made me question myself.  Would I run back to where I was safe or would I be brave and allow myself to be vulnerable to the uncertainties that lay before me?  My fear has been huge, I am still afraid but I know that I will not regress, I will move forward and I will take the risk because I believe with all my heart that it is worth taking.  I know with all certainty that I am loved deeply and I know that I love deeply in return.  Anyone who knows me well, knows that one of my favourite movies is Moulin Rouge and as they quote in that movie “The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return”.  I love and I am loved unconditionally, unquestionably with no expectations and no fear.  I feel no shame at being ME and this love has given me the courage to make the choices I have made.

I am eternally grateful to the people that have shared my past because they have taught me many things and I have evolved into who I am today.  I’ve also discovered that Kim is actually not a shameful, vulgar, monster after all.  The combination of who I truly am and who I have grown into through my past is a powerful spirit.  I am strong and focused and sure.  I hurt when others hurt and I feel for the pain that my transition has caused in others lives.  However, I cannot apologise for this as it is their lesson and their choice how they handle and perceive my ‘deception’.  I cannot put my life on hold to spare the feelings of others, I cannot pretend anymore….it is my time to stand in my truth.

It is with loving gratitude that I thank my past for all it has taught me and it is with certainty that I walk forward, holding my head high to live my life’s purpose.   To all the beautiful people have chosen or that will choose to part ways with me, I want to thank you for your love and your lessons, they are precious.  I want you to know that I hold no grudges, no ill feelings and no more hurt.  I love you all and I am sure that at some point we will meet again.  Until then I humbly bid you farewell.

It is with open arms that embrace my future and the people that are yet to teach me so much.  I look forward to the path that I will walk with you and while I know it will not be easy for a while, I know that the rewards will far outweigh the difficulties that face us at this point.  I come into your lives as a happy person and a free soul.

Sponsors information: The Alt X Extreme Sports Expo is about Experience

The Alt X Sports Expo is a unique event that includes alternative and extreme sports in and under one action-filled exhibition. The first expo will take place in Johannesburg 23-25 September 2011, at the popular outdoor venue, Riversands Farm on William Nicol Drive, Fourways.

An Exhibition with Something for Every Action Sport Lover
There will be no shortage of activities to keep you enthralled. It’s about YOUR experience. Whether you are an action seeker, weekend warrior, fashion follower, adventure holiday planner, or casual day tripper, come dressed for action!

• 8 Arenas: Open air arenas covering 28000m². You are going to want to be in 3 places at once.
• Demonstrations: Be amazed by top extreme sports athletes showing off amazing feats.
• Marketplace: Get the gear, sign up for a course, see what’s new.
• Have-a-Go: You always wanted to… so now you can!
• Workshops: Experts will give you the know-how and how to.
• Kidz Corner: Children under 13 will be given guidance and encouragement on their chosen sport.
• Give back: Bring unwanted sports goods to help underprivileged individuals realise their dreams.

Our goal is to make the ALTX Sports Expo one of the biggest events on the calendar, and our commitment is to ensure that every visitor has an unforgettable experience.

Contact us
Whether it‘s a question about the exhibit or if there is a sport you’re interested in but were too afraid to ask, we are the unquestionable authority on the subject!

For all expo enquiries please call: Gary Knoetze 082 443 3796 rgk@altxsports.co.za

With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour