Jodene is the co-founder of:
and founder of:
Published June 20th, 2011
Like having country music in common wasn’t a sign from the get go?
I’ve heard this song 100 times and even posted it on Facebook and Tweeted because it as one of my faves:
We were sittin’ up there on your momma’s roof
Talkin’ bout everything under the moon
With the smell of honeysuckle and your perfume
All I could think about was my next move
Oh, but you were so shy and so was I
Maybe that’s why it was so hard to believe
When you smiled and said to me…
Are you gonna kiss me or not
Are we gonna do this or what
I think you know I like you a lot
But you’re ’bout to miss your shot
Are you gonna kiss me or not
I thought nothing of it when Mr Unexpected and myself where playing it over again the car when we went grocery shopping and while we cooked dinner.
Who is Mr Unexpected? I knew you’d ask!
Unbelievably I have known this special man since before the blog even existed and only when I thought about blogging did I realise that I have never mentioned him. I’m not even analysing if that’s a good or bad thing, but the fact is that the whole time there has been a dear friend by my side and all of a sudden there’s an unexpected story to tell.
We met on a dating site but never actually met. It took months and months … and months to get that right and I don’t think we met at the right time at all. By then I had decided there was too much water under the bridge and taken it very personally that we had not tried harder to make a plan and meet sooner. The truth is that we bonded way before we met and I was settled into a friendship by the time we stood face to face.
We have grown into awesome friends and are comfortable enough with each other to be the most vulnerable and real. Through it all I only saw friendship. So he’s become the guy I talk to about other guys. The one I call to come cook with me when I’m cold, lonely or … just because. Sometimes we sit for hours, both on our laptops and we don’t even have to talk much.
Saturday was one of those typical nights where we listened to country music, worked on our laptops and cooked dinner together. Mr Unexpected knows all my fears and insecurities to his hugs and gentle smiles were so much more appreciated. And then it happened … I went to show him all my Yule branches, acorns and pine cones in my room and we ended up lying comfy on the bed. Mr Unexpected fell asleep and I didn’t want him to go home, so I did what any 37 year old woman would do. I went to my mom and asked her what the hell to do … she basically shoved me in the room and slammed the door.
We could do this. We could fall asleep as friends as wake up as friends.
At this point I can imagine Hustler Girl giggling with an ‘I told you so’ smirk on her face.
Should I be surprised that it got to that point? That … are you gonna kiss me or not, point? We could do this. We could kiss and sleep and wake up as friends.
At this point I can imagine Hustler Girl chuckling wickedly with that ‘I saw this coming’ grin.
To explain everything that went though my head over he next few minutes is impossible but needless to say the kissing went well and as they say in the modern day classics ‘…’
We could do this, we could ‘…’ and wake up in the morning and still be friends.
And Hustler Girl (who clearly has been saying this for months and I’ve been slapper her silly notions away) is now doing the air-punch and yelling ‘YES’.
Needless to say, it was the most special time and a scary space to be in the morning after. It’s also a test of so many things … a friendship most of all.
We both had our totally insecure moments after he left and I have to admit that we aren’t great at communicating face to face, but when we get onto skype all the truth comes bubbling out.
So here’s my version of where we are. We are friends who realised that there’s a bond that far overshot our expectations. We are both just taking it one day at a time and we are both hoping the other will share their fears as they creep up and before we do crazy things with the situation in our own head.
In between the ‘…’ I would like to share my ‘project me’ lesson. Apparently I was the last to know that this is where Mr Unexpected and I would end up. So what’s my lesson? Sometimes you are the last to know but don’t fight the inevitable just to prove yourself right (when you are so wrong) and when you are faced with the choice ti kiss you friend or not …
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published June 20th, 2011
Sean Disney, Managing Director of Adventure Dynamics International, two times Everest summiteer and two times 7 summits climber. He is one of the world’s most experienced mountain guides and is a MOUNTAIN MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER. He has been leading expeditions for over 15 years. Sean is the first South African to complete the GRAND SLAM, skiing to the South Pole, North Pole and completing the Seven Summits.
Follow Adventure Dynamics on Twitter
On a personal note: Sean, I can’t express how grateful I am for having had the chance to chat to you and be inspired by both our conversation and your answers to your project me story. I embarked on a big adventure of my own today and project body is underway. I thought about our conversation while in my first water aerobics session and I felt as though I was going to give up half way through. We all have our own mountains to climb and you have made it sound rewarding that it helped change my attitude and see me through. You are beyond and inspiration and I wish you many more mile and mountain peaks of happiness.
Here is Sean’s project me story:
What is your definition of happiness?
I have been blessed in all aspects of life. Happiness comes from within, being high on a mountain with a great view is when I am most happy and at peace.
If you could have everyone say one thing to themselves every day, what would it be?
Live to the boundaries you set, do what you say, don’t let yourself down and be fair to others. Remember your most valuable things are not your house and car but your family, reputation, job and friends
We all need someone to believe in us. Who is that person for you and why?
Everyone who has ever given me a fair break, and a chance to get ahead. An everyone who have put their lives in my hands.
What quality do you believe we can never be taught because it is our birth right?
Innocence
Describe the moment when you realised that you could achieve anything?
I have always thought I can do anything I want, but didn’t realise the potential I can still achieve
What have you always dreamed of being or doing and have you reached that dream?
I dreamed of climbing Everest once so I climbed it twice.
When life gets in the way, what do you always remind yourself of?
Sort it out logically and systematically and deal with it sensibly
We all have something unique to offer the world, what is yours?
Tales of adventure and you can live a unique life
How do you deal with the fears that could potentially hold you back?
Fear is a good thing, it challenges and protects, someone without “fear” is dangerous to themselves and those around them – I confront fear.
What do you believe we have lost sight of in the world as a whole?
Man’s continual capitalistic greed, grabbing and wanting is weighing him down and making him lose sight of what really counts.
Sean Disney supports the Endangered Wildlife Trust
The EWT is a non-profit conservation organisation operating on-the-ground projects throughout Africa, with a particularly strong presence in southern Africa. We take a partnership approach and have constructive relationships with industry, government and communities, all for the conservation of our biodiversity.
The EWT’s structure allows for expertise to be developed in a particular area of conservation. However we have an overall conservation strategy for the organisation and our specialists meet regularly to ensure that this strategy is being followed. In this way we are able to provide holistic solutions to a large number of environmental problems, while still fulfilling the key niche of species protection.
Follow the Endangered Wildlife Trust on Twitter
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published June 19th, 2011
I’m sure the excitement will begin to seep through as this blog continues, but considering it’s nearly 8pm and I’ve been anticipating this all day I’m going to get the ‘big’ stuff over with first.
Project Body has been long anticipated for me and all of a sudden it’s here. I was doing swimmingly well and coping with everything until I realised that the time had come to post the weight, body mass and measurements for the world to see.
I have to unbelievably supportive partners for this journey. The first is Patrick Tendani, my personal trainer and the second is Niel from Slimlab. On the day they met each other, Niel told Patrick not to let me get away with anything and trust me I’ve tried, but we will get to that. Right now it’s about the support that both Niel and Patrick have given me during the whole standing on the scale and whipping out the tape measure thing. Yes, the numbers are big but a part of me knew that they would be and both of these incredible men keep reminding me that the numbers are a science and are needed to test the formulas. I was fine with all the numbers as they slowly started to be written down but now that I have to type them it’s very rough but a huge part of ‘project me’ is telling myself the truth and in turn telling telling the world so that I hold no shame. So here’s step 1 …
My height is obviously relative to the numbers so that’s 166cm
Weight: 105.5 kg
Body fat: 43.4%
Lean body: 59.7%
Goal weight: 79 KG
Blood pressure: 122/70
Measurements:
Chest: 111cm
Waist: 100cm
Hips: 134cm
Thighs: 78cm
Arms: 41cm
Well that’s done and it’s officially the bravest thing I have ever done on Project me.
A big thank you goes to Patrick’s brother Samson who was involved in the body analysis process and who was just as incredibly kind and tolerant of my fears and anxiety about the process.
So I finally went to my first water aerobics class and was as nervous as I thought I would be. I can’t thank Patrick enough for the constant encouragement, sms’s and pep talks that have guided me every step of the way, into a swimming costume at the gym and into the water. I was obviously the youngest person there by like 30 years and thought that would allow me to get away with taking it easy, but Patrick had other plans. He also had other plans about the hour of our gym sessions. I had visions of swooping in at about 8am. I think that’s reasonable for a girl who doesn’t do morning … 6am!!! Can you believe it … I will be there at 6am for 2 private sessions this week and then another 3 classes with very old ladies.
The whole point of needing the support around me is because I slowly began to realise that I didn’t know myself well enough to trust what was good for me. No exercise of eating plan ever worked because someone else would tell me to do it differently and then I would be back to square one. Well, that’s already happened in the short week that I have been doing Project Body and it took a whole lot of trust in the process to settle into an eating program that actually allows me to have carbs at night. Slimlab is a science and so is the eating plan … on that I trust, but might not necessarily trust my body on it just yet. I hope that makes sense to some of you.
The article for Curvy SA was written today and those numbers are there too. I did a grocery shop yesterday and got all the necessities I need and I had my first ostrich hamburger today. Around me, my friends at chocolates and chips and my family had pizza and somehow I managed to get by without anyone making any fuss about my different choices in food at all. Maybe a few things were an excuse to begin with …
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published June 18th, 2011
All the preparations where going swimmingly with ‘project body’ until it was time to put the numbers out there for the world to see. I’m getting support in so many areas of life because I’ve realised that I just don’t trust myself to do the journey on my own. I’m so lucky to have the support I do but I’ve learned that sometimes people’s help is the very thing that tosses my world.
It’s not often that many people can talk about a strong friendship that started off as a … to be totally frank … shag! If anyone would have ever told me that The Jock and I would have blossomed into the incredible friends we are today, I would have giggled with laughter. Yet, he’s never left my side and has been even more supportive from the moment I injured my back.
So this morning, when the friendship nearly fell to shred, I had to finally take a look at a part of me that has been lurking in the shadows for far too long. This is what I do … I start by not knowing what to do and then I get help because I can’t trust myself. I settle with the help I have chosen to get and the moment I tell someone the natural instinct is for them to give other advice, that so often totally conflicts with what I’ve been told. I then don’t trust myself all over again and toll the original advice in total haste and panic … that’s why I am where I am with my body and my health today!
After choosing to turn to The Jock for support, which he gave with absolute love, I heard a totally different take on things and I sent him an SMS this morning to tell him he was wrong. Yes … that person who always looks out for me and has proved his support for me over again, was absolutely wrong.
Do you see what I do? Because it took a while for me to notice!
I didn’t say that I had heard conflicting stories and I was confused. I said he was wrong!
That’s just one of the many examples I can give now that I have realised what I do. The worst idea on earth is for me to now beat myself up about this, so this morning I filled Greggie in (at the battery fitment center) and cried … of course! I had already sobbed so badly while The Jock and I were screaming at each other and I felt horrid living with my mom and hearing me yelling, swearing and threatening to destroy a friendship. It took ages to stop sobbing and one of the biggest issues what when The Jock asked for my weight. I’m about to publish it in a magazine and online tomorrow and he has held my hand until almost standing on the scale and then I flipped out when it was time to tell him. How that must have hurt my dear friend who knows my greatest fears and has helped me deal with my body issues by finding me sexy and loving my body way before I did!!
Do you know what kept me that slight bit calmer while the world tossed around me? Watching my kitties cuddled up in the cupboard and staring at me while started to meet a beast that has been well hidden in my blind spot. I wanted to climb into that cupboard with them and hide away for the longest time but ‘project me’ just doesn’t seem to allow me to escape the consciousness and the truth.
Hustler Girl has been nagging me for final details of the next Pagan festival, Yule! I’ve been saying I will get to it and today I was reminded by Greggie that it’s actually on Tuesday. Holy cow … I am usually so prepared by this time and it’s also my favourite festival (what is now Christmas).
That realisation threw be back to reality and all of a sudden I had more to do for a Saturday than I could have imagined. I still need to finish the first article for Curvy SA but those damn body numbers have put on the brakes. So instead, I allocated what everyone must bring for the traditional Yule dinner and refreshed my memory on the need for acorns, pine cones and a very special piece of wood. Never before have I actually done the Yule log (and I will tell you about it on Wednesday morning) but today I wanted to go all out.
Most times, my brother and I are arguing about something, but when it’s time for help he’s there in a flash. The task was simply to find a pine tree and a decent sized log. Instead of hunting very far, I asked him to take me to the park nearby where someone very special knows me.
Sadly, this very old oak tree used to be full of life and standing so proudly. I fell in love with him the moment I saw him and love visiting him for a good old fashioned tree hug. My heart broke the day I drove past and saw that he had been struck by lightening and was too old and tired to fight on. Slowly, I watched my old man fall to pieces and now in the winter months he looks as if there is no life in him at all. I hoped with all I had that there would be a piece of wood from that tree to celebrate Yule.
This is where my brother always come to the party most of all. When I tell him it’s a Pagan festival and my friend is a tree and I need a log to always remember him by. He doesn’t flinch … instead he calls strangers and they sawed away at a huge piece of the old tree (with my dad’s old penknife) … for like 45 minutes. I kept telling him we could find another one or make another plan, but he just kept going … for me!
The Jock, my brother, Greggie (oh, we can’t let that go unnoticed! Say well done to Greggie for being totally butch today and taking my dead battery out of the car like a real dude!!) … they would all do anything for me and they do it so often. Without being unkind to myself, I have to acknowledge that my natural instinct needs work because their natural instinct has been unfailing with unconditional love while I have let that beast out to unconsciously communicate.
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published June 17th, 2011
It’s amazing how I woke up feeling and what the true essence of ‘project me’ has done to my day.
There is chaos all around me and a lot of it is stress that my poor mom is carrying with people who are completely out of integrity. You know one of those people who gives and gives and then ends up being kicked in the butt … that’s how I see what’ happening with my mom.
I have this nasty side to me that could lash out and say so many horrid things but that’s only my protective instincts with my mom. The truth is that if she lives by what she taught me (and one of my most valued ‘project me’ lessons that I live by) to always remain the lady, then she will come out okay on the other side of this.
That, coupled by waking up at about 3am petrified out of my mind for my future and for my present, has been an interesting feeling to lug around a day that was actually very incredible indeed. I’ve let off steam and shared all my fears in the days past and none of them have changed, so I’m going to focus on the awesomeness of the day instead.
As I do that I must tell you that this blog had better be shorter because my arms feel as though they are about to fall off … for the best reason in the world and this is why:
As of today, nothing will be the same again!
I officially woke up this morning and did my first water aerobics class. That’s it then … ‘project body’ is alive and kicking. Bearing in mind that every Sunday is ‘project body’ blogging day, I’m not going to say much more than this … I overcame a fear that has been haunting me for months now!
I discovered that I’m one of South Africa’s top non celebrities on Twitter. That’s not to brag, but to solidify my future plans and officially announce that I will be changing my bio from blogger to social influencer … it’s time! What that means and where that will take me will all unfold shortly. So will the reasons (when I understand them better myself … lol). Thanks to the unwavering support of Nick Duncan, founder of MyScoop SA aggregator, I’m making this move with some incredible insight and guidance.
On that note, 30 June is Social Media Day around the world as Mashable is hosting events in every country. Thanks to my Twitter friend, BeanBagBoy, I discovered that Johannesburg isn’t hosting an event … well now we are! I’m about to announce the details of Joburg’s official Mashable Meetup and am thrilled that Nick has agreed to be a guest speaker!! I’m so excited for this one and once the venue is finalised I’ll be spreading invites across Jozi.
I’m officially contributing to a magazine. Oh my goodness, gracious, holy moly me … I’m beyond excited even though it’s truly laying myself bare (well, not to the extent of Playboy of course) in the months to follow. Curvy SA (Follow CurvySA on Twitter) is South Africa’s magazine for the curvy woman and the buzz was in the air months before I had the honour of meeting Michele and Juliette. It’s a concept that speaks very closely to my heart and is very in line with both Organic O and Project Body. So I’m going to be telling my ‘project body’ story once a month, with pictures and all the weight and fat measurements for the world to see. With each issue I’m hoping to feel a little braver to have sexier shoots and somewhere down the line there will be the official boudoir shoot offered me all the time back.
I think that’s enough to change a girls life!!!!
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published June 16th, 2011
It really is a choice and I woke up having to make one!
I’ll go into all the finer details of today’s ‘project body’ weigh-in on Sunday, but today is about my attitude more than my activities. I don’t have a tattoo on my back for nothing. It’s not symbol of the goddess holding the moon for nothing either. Everyone always asks me which goddess and I usually stutter in avoidance of having to explain myself, but the explanation is beautiful.
I have been meditating for years (in spurts) and still have to live what I teach when it comes to that point. It was pointed out to me by Greggie during our Tuesday night pow wow. I’m the teacher who reiterates how important it is to push through on what you know is good for you when times are tough, yet I totally suck at it. The first thing I always give up when the wheels start to fall off is my meditations, tantra and goddess work. I’ve made every excuse in the book and mostly blame not living on my own even though I consciously chose to move with my mom … so that excuse is just another excuse.
I’m sure it’s no news to you when I say that we all avoid what will give us the most confidence or power because then it makes up have to stand up and do something. I find that confidence and power in the combination of my meditaiton, tantra, dragon rituals and goddess work.
Last night’s full, eclipsing moon gave me the biggest slap on the back of the head and I must have come across as totally disconnected during dinner with friends last night. I couldn’t believe it! I couldn’t believe that a few years ago I would have had a totally different experience and last night I half acknowledged the moon. I was aware that there would be an eclipse and before I would have had a whole evening planned. The dinner wouldn’t have even interfered. It would have involved a special moonlight bath with my moonlight soap, candles, incense and meditation. I thought about it but just let it pass like all the other full, new and quarterly moons.
Only when the edge of the moon started to turn a blackish red did every part of my being yearn for something that is so a part of my life. We say that we can’t believe someone wouldn’t give up an addiction for someone they love … well I could totally relate last night. Not being able to face doing something that has been the foundation of my beliefs and the way I live my life, was a massive wake up call last night.
Miraculously, I woke up with a very ready attitude. I can’t even explain it but it just felt like the familiar me. As if no time passed at all, I did my meditation, burned the incense, said my thanks to the goddess and received a message from a dragon. I did thinks I haven’t done since I moved back home with my mom and I have no idea why I just couldn’t bring myself to do them. Another thing that Greggie is trying to show me is to let something go and not be so hard on myself …. So I’m not going to even try and work out why it took so long. All I know is that it’s back … that part of me that I know makes me feel most powerful is back!
Talking about backs … I would like to introduce you to the goddess that holds the moon on my back. Years ago I went through a rough time that literally made me not care about myself at all. I finally took a few steps to heal and found a teacher (well she found me) who taught me so much of what I know. One of my greatest journeys with her was through meditation where I went on a journey to meet my Higher Self. For the longest time all I ever saw was a faceless woman all covered in black who was hunched over and old … not a very pretty sight for a Higher Self. For almost a year I couldn’t see anything more than this faceless old hag. Then something changed … within me! I started the journey of tantra (self tantra to be exact) and started exploring goddess work. Slowly the meditations became more intense and the woman started to change. To cut a very beautiful and long story short … eventually the most magical of energies emerged (yes, this can all take place in meditation if you choose to make it alive and real) and one day she told me her name … Leonette!! She has never left my side … even in the times when I ignore her most of all!
Hence … this day and this post is step one of getting over myself!
PS … tomorrow is day one of water aerobics and I’m pooping myself but doing it anyway! I can’t wait to introduce you to Patrick on Sunday. I also can’t say I’m thrilled to post the weight, body fat percentage and whatever else Patricks measure and calculates … but that’s yet another step of seriously having to get over myself!
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published June 15th, 2011
It must be amazing to be in your late 30′s and to find our old diaries that you wrote when you were a teenage. I’m sure the laughs would be many and a part of me wishes that I still had those diaries to reflect back on. It’s totally different when you flip back to 365 days ago and it’s almost a cut and paste day. I kid you not!
Where do tears come from? was my blog post a year ago today and I’m tempted to stop blogging right now for fear of even having to deal with the chaos I’ve managed to cause over the last few days.
In a nutshell … I’ve fallen to pieces!
I found dozens of reasons to hate the trip to Cape Town and most of them were pure frustrations about not being able to do what I set out to do … all because of a sore back and a crappy internet connection. After a nasty pow-wow with Greggie last night I finally decided that tears were in order. For some reason I always manage to act tough and make a hundred excuses for my irrational behaviour until I finally burst out crying and the real issues come rolling off my tongue … or down my cheek.
It’s simple! I’m feeling totally inadequate at the moment and because of that the victim in me feels as though everyone and everything is turning on me. Well there goes the laws of attraction because now everything really is turning on me and … well now there’s drama!
So I was sobbing 365 days ago and I’m sobbing again. Incredibly, one of the reasons I was sobbing all those days ago decided to rear it’s head and say ‘hi!’
Some of you will have been around for Mr Wow and others are about to be introduced to him. At the soccer world cup opening game I sat next to a guy 12 years younger than me and it was literally love at first sight. We both felt it. Everyone round us felt it. It was a whirlwind of emotion and I was backing off because of the ago. Of course, My Wow was totally loving the age thing and he finally got me settled into being okay with it. The connection was incredible and so I gave in to it all … only for his friends to give him enough reasons (and mockery) for him to back off. I started to fight for him and we both had our moment of total heartbreak, but when I realised that his age was causing the problem I let it go. I left a part of me with Mr Wow, but eventually deleted him out of my life (that means Facebook) and erased all his numbers.
You know when you get the Whatsapp and you have to ask who it is because you don’t have the number? While you’re waiting for a response where does your head go … well mine went to every man (I had that hunch) that has been around for the last few years, but it never went to Mr Wow! When he said it was him my heart skipped a beat. He was the reason I was crying a year ago today and he’s one of the reasons I went to bed sobbing into my pillow last night. Granted, finances and lack of business opportunities does overshadow him, but I recall some of those tears being shed about work a year ago too.
If one more person tells us that it takes two years to see the success I’m going to … um … I’m just going to!! We don’t have another two years and that’s scaring the living daylights out of me.
If one more person tells me that whoever gets me will be so lucky I’m going to … um … it’s not pretty! I had someone who told me just how lucky he was to have me. I could see it, feel it, touch it, taste it and in a flash it was gone. So don’t tell me about the next one when I’m still not understanding what happened with the last one. Granted, there were men after him but that experience made me realise that I could have it all … and for a moment I felt as though I did!
Tomorrow is weigh-in day for ‘project body’ and I’m feeling like it couldn’t come at a worse time. I know I’ve picked up a lot of weight since my back injury and I’m worried that if I was crying last night and today … I’m going to crumble tomorrow morning at 7:30am. I also comfort eat and I have committed to learning to overcome that. NOW? Now when I feel as though my whole world is upside down and feeling as though I haven’t moved forward in 365 days!!
Yes, Jodene … now! After all, that’s what ‘project me’ is all about!
PS … if there is any guy out there who can tell me why you would make contact a year later and say that you were thinking of all the amazing times because it’s a year since the soccer. Is that just to toss a girl’s world? Does it mean anything at all? Is there compliment in that? Is there hope? Is there …
Note to self: Today was an incredible day for Lifeology chick!
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published June 14th, 2011I’m thousands of feet above the ground and finally on my way home after an unexpectedly productive trip to Cape Town. This is officially my first mid-air blog, but I’m thinking that it’s far from my last.
To be honest, I have that real back to school feeling and haven’t been able to shake some odd emotions since the beginning of yesterday. After meeting so many people and all chatting so freely about where we find ourselves in our lives, it’s not surprising that the main topic was how hard it is to own our own businesses and survive financially. A lot of us are still wondering how we are going to do it and the frustration mounts when the compliments about my abilities roll in.
There is business opportunity in both Cape Town and Joburg and I’m also keen to head off to Durban and see the contact that we can make there. So why the frustration?
Greg hit the nail on the head when he said that people leave their lives to fall into such a state of chaos that by the time they get to us, finance has become their greatest signal that they need to do something different. Very seldom are our financial issues related to money at all, but we only seem to pay attention to our lives and what needs to change when money becomes a crisis. Then people need us …. when money is too tight to pay us. I haven’t been able to shake that insecure feeling for a while now, but stand firm in my knowing that there is nothing on the planet I would be doing besides this.
“I’m determined to make a living as a blogger,” is something that you will find me saying very often. I know the spin-offs to that are all a part of the income too, but I want my blogging platform to generate money and I know it can. If I get suck in the how’s I’m going to get myself even more upset and confused, so I’m just continuing to do what I’m doing on a daily basis. That’s the toughest part of ‘project me’ … knowing when to do something different and when to just keeping going! It’s completely hit and miss and the one place where all you can do is believing in yourself enough to trust your instincts. I’ve learned that no one can ever teach that and even though the tools that Greggie and I share through Lifeology helps to guide the way … the choices we make just can’t be taught!
In the ‘something’ that changed yesterday, I could feel both Greggie and myself slip into our own silent spaces of needing to get home for our own reasons. Very often people confuse us as a married couple and I question that assumption just because we work together, travel together and share some beautiful common friends. I got myself in a bit of a state thinking that people around us thought our friendship was unhealthy and went to sleep with that pang on concern. I can always see my headspace by my dreams and it was a totally chaotic one where I has hating everything around me and in a world that completely didn’t suit me. My world does suit me! My friendship and business partnership suits me too and so does my getting myself out into the world and looking for a relationship and friendships separate from those I share with Greggie.
If I don’t get out, it’s got nothing to do with co-dependence and everything to do with my own money issues. I usually weigh up the funds too heavily and choose to rather save the pennies than go for that dinner or that drink. Greggie is the complete opposite and I’ve had to work hard at following his lead. That’s the only reason why I’m usually out with him … because he’s made sure I do it! It’s scary to know that ‘project me’ things need to be done a little differently at the very time that money is tight.
To add to the frustration, there are some old financial issues that have crept up from my past partnership and the worst thing you can ask for is a call from the accountant when you are about to head on a plane home. That’s the reality of life and I’m waiting to touch down and get straight onto calls that ask why the South African Revenue Services thinks I’m still drawing a salary I stopped receiving nearly 2 years ago. Oh joy!!!
I do have to intervene in saying that when we boarded the plane and the paramedic was in front of me, I thought to myself “I hope it’s not one of those movie scenes where he’ll ironically be needed on the flight!” … of course it is! Someone has just passed out and he’s off to do his job! Crazy thoughts …
Anyway … to end the post and settle down into a flight that will be 40 minutes short because the wind is shoving us along … it’s amazing when a friendship survives the feeling that enough is enough. This is why I’m so blessed to have the friends and business partner that I have. We have been living in a studio apartment where the couch faces the bed and have literally done everything together for nearly 10 days. No closing the door to get away from each other except for one day where Greggie went for a walk and I took a nap. No wonder we are little edgy with one another! The ‘project me’ part of it is that we can have that chat and make sure the other person isn’t taking it personally. We can hold our own issues and not project them onto one another, without taking offence to the hours of silence in each other’s presence. As business partner and friends we have years of travels ahead of us and I know that these moments will be many! It makes me wonder how the hell couples survive living with each other for years on end … an adventure I hope to explore and discover for myself one day!!
PS … unbelievable … someone else on the flight has just collapsed and is need of medical attention. Isn’t it amazing the reality we create for ourselves! Thanks for being on board Mr Paramedic!!
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published June 13th, 2011
I grew up holidaying in Cape Town when I was very little, but haven’t been here since I was about 8 years old. Okay there was the short trip down the year before last but nothing touches the time I have had in this week and a bit. The experience I thought I would have and the journey this time has taken me on has been worlds apart. Trips like this always make me miss my dad the most and I knew there would be a certain pull at my heartstrings for our Sunday adventure.
I’m not great on the rules of social networking and haven’t done too bad on my aimless wandering. This entire trip has been based on Twitter connections and Facebook status’s that have made it glaringly obvious that Lifeology is in town. So, why tackle Sunday’s adventures to the winelands and differently.
The main aim of ‘project me’ is about lessons learned and not regretting anything, which is really tough when having limited time in such an incredible part of the Cape. My decision was to Tweet and see which wine estates floated to the surface. That’s my general philosophy with all my social interaction and I have really been blessed with the connections I’ve made. One of those fantastic people is @HelderbergInfo (the site) who suggested a few estates and before I could whip out the map, Dombeya Wines (the site) had tweeted me. Now that’s how you do it! I also had some fabulous tweets from AlleeBleue (the site) and had plans to visit those two farms as well as a few more that bubbled to the surface.
Here’s the ‘project me’ part of the day. Greggie said it was my day and I got to say where we were going and make all the plans. Okay, that part of my personality isn’t very well ‘project me’d’ and I get myself in a state of total disorganisation. It’s no secret that my geography suck (and after not being able to identify the Hugeunot monument so does my history).
Dombeya wine, Werner and me
Of course Werner from Dombeya had told us to book lunch and I had done the calculations that went as follows: leave house by 10am and get there by 11am … a quick ‘hi’ and gulp down of wine and off to the next estate where it would be much wiser to lunch. Never had I thought that my hours were so far off the mark when I filly settled into the experience of wine tasting.
But before we even get there, let’s talk about my mapping skills and my GPS skills for that matter. I hate being designated drive but have realised that I hate being the chick who has to find out where the hell we are too. It started off well, with me holding the map with the right side up, but went pear shaped from there. R44! N1! M-something! Now I must find R304 on this thing! I kid you not … Greggie ended up driving with a map on his lap … and I swear, I gave it my best shot! I can’t say I was any better with the GPS and that’s because my spelling as a far cry from perfect and nothing ever matched up … because those places don’t actually exist!
Even though it’s the middle of winter and the vines are starting to shed their leaves, driving through the wine farms is breathtaking. Passing the signs that point to familiar wines is even more exciting, but heading out a new experience is thrilling.
Here’s the part of my personality that I really had to learn to love most of all. The part that is very reputation based and isn’t really prepared to try something too new just in case I make a total fool of myself. That part of the personality is most tested when presented with a bucket that is clearly there to spit into. While Werner, who truly is a wine connoisseur was explaining to us about the blends, how the Dombeya and Haskell wines are made and are different, I was wondering how I would possibly remember anything to blog. So I’ve decided to leave the experts to what they do best and I’ll stick to sharing the madness of my mind during new experiences.
I dream of being many things, but a wine tasting chick is not going to be one of them. Firstly, I’m never going to get my head around that spitting bit and I felt a little tipsy after about the 5th taste. Let the record stand that I’m not great at faking it and have to thank Werner for being the most hospitable host and only rolling his eyes at me once. So I’m far from a wine anything … but wow! I have learned that wines have a price and an age for a reason and haven’t had great experiences with appreciate red wines until yesterday. What a joy to discover that they can be smooth, silky and bursting with surprising flavours. Okay … I’m totally stoked that I could actually smell the peppery scent! Yay me!
Oh my gosh, time vanished faster than I could have imagined and I had to be kind to myself when it was too late to visit Allee Bleue as promised. It reminded me that we always end up saying ‘time was too short’, but it also sealed a promise for me to return in the best capacity I know how … as a blogger and goofy non-wine chick whose dad taught me that there’s no place like home!
Thank you to my Twitter friends for making my blogging wine Sunday so special. You haven’t seen the last of me and I promise to practice that wine spitting thing!!
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Published June 12th, 2011It’s Sunday morning and the antics of blogging are hysterical. My 3G connection from Vodacom (so naming and shaming) has been non functional in the flat, but when I’m at any else’s WiFi I’m styling. I don’t know how much of the ‘riddled with guilt’ part of my personality I actually share with you, but the mere having to ask Greggie to sit in a coffee shop for a touch longer to blog or use his cellphone to connect to his laptop and post the blog almost tosses my world upside down. The blog is a daily part of who I am and it never interferes with much … until now. It seems to have become the crux of the decision because it’s not simple to just type, post and carry on between moments of the day.
So here I am, rushing to blog on my laptop while Greggie gets ready for out outing to the wine farms. Once I’m finished typing and he’s dressed and ready to go … we will have to put the post onto a memory stick, transfer it to his laptop, connect on his mobile … okay, it might not be a train smash for anyone around me, but my perception takes me to places of great annoyance. It’s amazing because if someone needed my help like that I wouldn’t be irritated at all.
I’m finding that with perception and am now starting to see the theme for the holiday. Firstly, everyone seems to think that Greggie and I are married. I know I talk about him every single day on my blog, but he is my best friend and business partner after all. I’m sure if I counted the number of times I have pointed out the best friend and business partner part of the friends people would then say I obsessively do that. There doesn’t seem to be a winning situation here, where isn’t fun for a single girl who doesn’t like hearing that the world thinks I’m very attached. Maybe that’s why I’m still single?
The world does know Greggie is gay, right? Hmmm … the number of times I’ve asked him to camp it up so that it’s blazingly obvious about his gayness!!
Jokes aside, the perception sometimes does kill me because being single isn’t the most super fun a girl can have. I would love to be in a relationship and I’m not going to go into the positivity movement of being expected to say that all is perfect in my single world. That crap about keeping it so positive that a negative thought never enters your mind doesn’t really fly with me when I’m walking along the beachfront with my gay best friend but my heart is wishing I was holding the hand of some man I love in a very different way.
I’m not falling for the one thing that everyone always throws at us either … we act like a married couple! Now we don’t … we act like best friends and that’s how a married couple should be!! Most people envy our relationship meanwhile it’s just loving, honest and real … we all deserve that. Friendship is marriage without the sex anyway …
On that note!!
The next crisis of perception is a lot about sex and the quandary I now find myself in about an exciting business opportunity and the fears I find myself dabbling with. I got into the adult industry as a speaker to help those who thought that there was no other way but the shame or fear based sexual issues they carry. For me, the ultimate reward would be to get everyone to understand that sex relates to your perception of yourself and what you do with your body is what you think of your entire being. So, when I was asked to do a column for a South African online dating site … that truly is a way of finding sex … I decided to be a little less co dependant on the opinion of my business partner and look at the site, what I am trying to achieve and if I could add value. I did … and I said ‘yes’!!!
But then all hell broke loose in my head when it was drinks time with our new friend, Bets. As we started to discuss the new and exciting venture, I showed them the site. All of a sudden Greggie stumbles upon the pages that show everyone’s …. um … genitals as their profile pics. It is a sex site after all and Bets had a valid question … if it is in line with my philosophy and what I am trying to achieve then it is all fine. OMG … I couldn’t figure that out in my head, ended up with an upset stomach and dreamed that I was the only person who didn’t get to meet my fave SA band because I had been banished from Twitter.
The bottom line is that I am trying to help those very people who feel they need a site like that to find a relationship or sex. Hell … my two last … um, men … were both found off dating sites and we ended up having a whole lot more than just a shag because of the integrity with which I go into relating … the very things I want to share with people. So I had to do a whole lot of chatting to my poor fears, but only when my best friend and gay business partner reminded me that I need to be emerged in that world in order to help it, did my mind settle!
Perception suck … it’s the bottom line! So we’ve got to make sure we are settled with our own choices for our own reasons and put those little horsie eye blinkers of and keep galloping through life. Well … that’s what I’m going to do, anyway!
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
