What if the only self help steps we need are to walk in the FAITH we have in ourselves? – Project Me post 1051
I’ve become an incomplete sleeper. Most nights I lie awake, aimlessly. Other nights I distract myself with desperate thoughts and in the most desperate state, with social media or fantasies of my full and complete future life.
Although I have walked a very deep, spiritual life for many years, there is something that has left me feeling lost over the past few months, to a point of feeling it’s time to retract myself from the life vision I have had since I was about 6 years old. That connection between my youthful thoughts and my desire to fulfill my life purpose over the span of my adult life also came to me in sleepless hours.
Yet, something has shifted over a handful of nights. I’m sleeping through and instead of waking up exhausted and apathetic at 6:30am, I’m focused and doing my morning ritual by 5:30am. So, what’s changed?
I’ve returned to FAITH!
Like so many people I have known in my life: The recovering alcoholic, the desperate man determined to reclaim the woman he’s let go of, the survivor or cancer, the financially destroyed, the drug addict and the lost soul.
Unlike most of them though, I have no desire to return to religion. Deeper than that, I have found my spiritual path and although it’s a road filled with obstacles, uncertainty at many crossroads and unexpected detours, I am certain that it’s the right path for me and returning to a religious sect or way of thinking is impossible as a life choice or concept I can imagine living in.
Unconsciously and sometimes with many hours of conscious pondering, I have felt a panic wash over me that the majority of people who have made brave changes or had life altering moments, have reconnected with religion to restore their faith. I’ve felt myself well up with fear that I may never master the art of living this Project Me journey I have been on for over a decade, because the key has seemed to be one I’m not prepared to turn.
I’m a great listener to the inner voices and I shamelessly share the messages with many people I know. In the 5 years I have been blogging, every realisation I have had, has stemmed from those inner voices. In the pages to follow, I will share my belief in where my voices come from and what I believe we are supposed to do with them.
These inner voices have guided me to the deeply conscious and fruitful life I have become known for living. Many people have patiently waited, while I figured out how to turn my Project Me journey into a book of tools or set of steps that they too can follow. One of the reasons why my nights have been so sleepless is because I’ve been unable to find the time, inspiration or starting point of how I have gotten to where I have since I started walking the conscious steps of Project Me.
I have years of blogs as a source of information and I have dozens of starting points, with workshop content and randomly saved epiphanies, yet this book has been like a massive bolder in my path, that I have neither been able to get around or move.
One of the biggest forces of my stuckness has been my self sabotage, which every addicts, loners and destroyers of personal dreams can relate to. My frustration has turned to anger, because I have the tools, consume myself in consciousness and should we wiser than to fall back into old patterns and destructive ways. Millions of us can say this, yet it seems the ones who have the greatest turn around the ones who reignite their faith.
It took me dozens of sleepless nights to finally allow the message to sink in, but when I heard it, I reveled in my realisation that the one thing I have never let go of is FAITH. Although religion and me parted when I was in my early teens, I reframed my beliefs into a spiritual path, that has been my guide and light with every step I have taken.
As early as 2001, I was playing around with developing self help steps, just like the world wanted. By 2007 I had developed the first workshop of the 5 vital steps we need, to change anything in our lives, which is now the foundation to the Lifeology products & services I offer, alongside my business partner.
Over the past year I have become frustrated, yet in all the twists and turns I have taken, I have never shifted my fundamental beliefs, have always believed in Greater Powers, have ritual & gratitude, but mostly, without never knowing how fundamental it would become in my Project Me teachings, and by just having to read through a few blog posts in my 5 years of public journaling, it’s become fundamentally clear that, I have always walked in my own footsteps faith.
The world has become over consumed with the steps of self help, empowerment and what I like to call, The Happiness Movement. Nearly every blog post or article shared is titled, “The 10 steps to happiness” or “How to become a success in 7 easy steps” or “The 5 things that every financially successful person has in common”.
We have become desperate seekers of these steps, just like we have become desperate to find the belief system that will help us find this Happy Place that it seems we are destined to live.
In this book, I will share my rediscovery of FAITH, without having to return to religion, which has been one of the single most profound realisations I have had and has finally helped me see the bolder in my path as less of an obstacle and more of a vantage point.
I will give you steps, to calm the ego and appease the rational mind. In fact, I will give you 5 steps and share my stories of the moments I released the power of each one and the journey that step has lead me along.
But first, as yourself the same question I asked of myself, after realising I wasn’t so lost after all:
What if the only the self help steps you need are to walk in the F.A.I.T.H you have in yourself?
F – Focus
A – Acceptance
I – Intuition
T – Trust
H – Happiness
PS … I have just written, and you have read, the introduction to the NEW book, Project Me – Rediscovering Faith
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
I’ve had long, sleepless nights. It’s been going on for nearly 3 weeks and I’m sure it’s not helping my state of despair at the moment. The last thing I want to do is lie awake a mull over all the things that are already taunting me during my waking hours, so I’m not a happy camper.
This morning there was an upside, thought.
I’m so used to waking up, starting my morning with my blessing for waking up, going straight into my breathing and then doing my visualisation with my dragon and my wolf, before even getting out of bed. Years … I’ve been doing this for well over a decade and I’m so grateful for every day that I have started this way.
This morning, because I had been lying awake for so long, the thought of being in that bed for one more second was pushing me to desperate frustration, so I did something different. I got up, ate breakfast first & made myself a cup of green tea, before lying on my yoga mat and starting to take my breaths. I hadn’t gotten through the first one, when I reflected back on a vital conversation I had on Sunday.
There is an amazing esoteric shop that I go to for all my candle & incense and the assistant has gotten to know me pretty well. She gets my love of dragon and wolves, makes sure I have the candles I need for the changing of the moon phases and goes into a little more detail of what’s happening with the planets every time I’m there.
I popped past her before seeing a dear friend who was up from Durbs and literelly had 5 minutes in the shop, so I asked her what I could burn and which colour candles I should use to help me out of the miserable state I was in. She asked me what was going on a I told her about the bitter failure I felt, in the personal side of my life.
She stepped back behind the counter and sent me home with nothing. She told me simplify everything. Don’t do the routine I’m so used to and not to do my yoga breaths, but rather just take big, deep, breaths into my chest and out. Don’t try so hard and don’t force the visualisation. Just be quite. I’ve heard this so many times, but I’m not that kind of meditater, so I’ve never listened to anyone who suggested it.
This morning I did. I listened to the birds and my cat purring right by me. I was surprised at how little mind wandered and found it easy to push the thoughts out.
But then I heard it.
A question …
What if the only Self Help steps we are meant to take is to walk in FAITH with ourselves?
Here’s the catch. For months I have been working on the 5 breaths of Faith, which I wanted to form the an important part Project Me. I haven’t mentioned it, because I’ve had the “old” Project Me tools that I have used for as long as I have been on this journey and I was trying to shove the Faith breaths into one of the steps I have been walking for decades.
Then … the second question came …
What if we are meant to be a little broken a lot of the time?
Well!! I can’t even explain what happened in that moment, but I thought about one of the cornerstones of Project Me, which is CHANGE.
Then why has everything changed, except the tools that helped me change all those years ago?
This is my favour part … I have no ideas what that means, to be honest. So I’m going to take it day by day and blog about it as well as make voice recordings to journal this profound realisation …
Self help, spiritual tools, all that stuff must have evolved too. Maybe not for everyone but certainly for me and for the right people out there who want to learn from my Project Me story.
I’m stuck because I’ve changed so much, but I haven’t allowed myself to let the tools I use change at all. I was even going through the process of retyping a workshop I taught in 2007 and I really thought I could rehash those tools all these years later.
I figured them out as I went along and I trusted the process, which was the birth of Project Me and now it’s time for the rebirth … a process I’m going to trust again.
I have to extend thanks to a friend, who is also a stranger.
I’ve never met Rajat Dutta, but he’s been the one person nagging me and pushing me to bring this Project Me book to life. Raj does some incredible work and his website says it better than me. www.quicconsult.com, but his offering to me and many others is that he turns voice recordings into text. He keeps telling me to just record my thoughts and he’ll help me bring the book to life. I’m sure this conversation started nearly 8 months ago, Raj?
So with that support and this uncharted waters I find myself in, that’s exactly what I’m going to do. Some of it, I’ll blog about while the rest becomes this book that I’ve also been so bitterly disappoint in myself about.
Raj has an amazing ebook on social media and it’s been one I’ve thoroughly enjoyed, so I’m sharing that along as an additional gesture of thanks: http://my.bookbaby.com/book/smecoaches
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
No, I’m not!
With tears rolling down my face, in the office of one of my clients where I’m laying it all open, because if I don’t then I have no right to be the blogger, the inspiration, the friend that so many people have come to know me as.
I would have been silent for so much longer, if the Tweets didn’t start filtering in from some amazing human being who noticed that I’ve been absent online for the past week or so. One special humans in particular, who entered my life through a Tweet, found the hole I was hiding in and hollered into it for the world to see.
Aaah, my Spiced Weasel just wouldn’t let it alone, would she? How perfectly I tried to dance around the truth, which only sparked a flurry of other people noticing my silence and asking me where I was, how I was and why I was hiding.
I am hiding!
I’m hiding away from anyone who looks up to me or cares for me or believes in me because I’ve had the saddest thing happen. For the first time in well over a decade, I’ve forgotten how to believe in myself.
I was going to absolutely avoid blogging until I found a ray of anything to hold onto, but then my dear friend, Joanne, told me that this is exactly what Project Me is about. This is why I do have the love and support that I do, because I let the world see me vulnerable and I tell the truth of what it’s like to be all the things that make us human.
I didn’t believe her!
Then my bestie took me for dinner and instead of sitting with the girl who has the never give up attitude and who always find something to pull me out of the positive, he found me fighting every positive thing he tried to point out about what I have achieved, how I have changed and where I am today in comparison to when he first met me a decade ago.
Yesterday I was with yet another friend, who praised me for the journey she has watched me live online in just this year alone and I faked my positive smile and self pride.
Because the space I’m in doesn’t stem from a lack of pride in what I have achieved as a business woman or a friend. I would be stupid and ungrateful and undeserving of any more gifts from the Universe (know that we are the Universe) if I didn’t acknowledge where I was and where I am now. My achievements and my work is the reason I have managed to get out of bed over these past few days, when all I’ve wanted to do is hide away, with my cats, who love me without knowing anything about me except love and caring.
So what’s the problem then?
I’m drowning. I’m drowning in my own disappointments of personal failures. The only way I can describe it is that girl in a country song who dreams of leaving her small town her whole life and she just never manages to leave. I could go into the drivel of all the elements that I feel like I let myself down, constantly, but single, overweight, gymspirationless, living with mom & never getting to spend even an hour of my day on what I want to do most, kinds sums it up. I’m not looking for sympathy, empathy, a hug or a message that reiterates how much I’m loved or admired and I’m certainly not looking for any of that motivational, positive, self help jargon that is so easy in theory. Especially now, when I think the formula that I’m wanting to offer the world is failing me … my very own Project Me doesn’t seem to be working. Not today or this past week or year, but for over a nearly all my life.
My Joanne also told me that it’s not a bad thing to show the world my broken, because maybe that’s what they need. Someone who has broken bits, but still has great success or elements of happiness to share with the world. So I’m the person who’s willing to show the world that we are all a little broken a lot of the time. Yay me!!!
That’s all I have!
My blog posts usually make me feel better … this one didn’t! I’m not ungrateful, I’m not clinically depressed, I’m just a girl who is discovering how very human I am and that is so much harder to overcome some things in our lives when others flow so easily!
So for now … no, I’m not okay!
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
December’s here! It’s hard to get my head around the one month we have left of a year that has been amazing to me on so many levels. At the end of last year, I did a visualisation at the end of last year and have been blown away but all that has come to fruition this year. Of course, it seems that I’m still manifesting more in the work world than my personal capacity, but at least I have truly started to have faith in my ability to bring to life what I dream of.
This realisation couldn’t come at a better time, because I’m learning an interesting lesson that comes with success.
A few days ago we did those workplace personality tests and my results came out very touchy, feely but it really has worked with my clients. We are ending the year with a longer contract with some and new opportunities with other, so this means more work on the social media, Chat Factory side … which is more than a dream come true. Wow, our own online agency!!
I was just interviewed for an online business site (I’ll share it as soon as it’s live) and one of the questions was, how is Project Me integrated into Chat Factory. The irony is that Chat Factory is the result of believing in myself, focusing on my dreams and making things happen … which is Project Me.
I have a dream …
It’s taken me ages to work to a formula of consciousness, that is Project Me and as I have manifested more of what I want, I have had a greater vision of sharing Project Me with the world, through an online course, a book, talks, seminars and workshops. I imagine myself waking up, every day, and touching base with my Chat Factory team before having to dash off and do a Project Me talk or checking on the social media needs of a client but staying online to then see what questions have been asked of me in the Project Me online forum. In my head and my dreams, the two are perfectly integrated.
In reality … not so much!!
I have tried, in so many ways besides turning myself back to the workaholic, to find the balance between my time for Chat Factory and developing the material for Project Me. Resentment free, Chat Factory is consuming all of my time. I even find it tough to make time for a blog post. I’m not sure that it will be resentment free forever, though.
When we sat down and chatted about our personality traits, I did have the support for Project Me, but I also got a very clear message that, if I truly focus on Chat Factory and build a strong team and systems, then I have more time. Of all the messages thought, the strongest one was about integration.
Now that’s an interesting concept for 2015!
I’m a passionate Libra, so it’s usually about full commitment and dedication to something, which isn’t working for me right now. I know my fears … they are all about dropping a ball or letting someone down, but at the moment I’m letting me down.
Who would have thought that I would have so much passion on plate that I wouldn’t know what to get to first. There is nothing that I don’t love, but much that I need to bring to life, so 2015 has presented it’s challenge to me.
It’s starting with me working right through December, as we take on new work and monitor client’s accounts while they go away and entrust us with the online presence. That’s an interesting time to practice some integration, because I do plan to hold a glass of bubbles, sitting by the pool, while working and daydreaming at the same time.
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour
Sometimes I notice the long gaps between blogging and try force myself to say something ,,, say anything. When I was blogging daily, I could throw in a random “get to know me” or “my fave country song” post, but both my blog and I have grown up and I find that taking responsibility for blogging my story is very depend one thing … how broken I feel or how put back together I am.
My car was in an accident nearly 6 months ago. I blogged about that and then everything fell quite. I had endless drama with the insurance’s panel beaters wanting to write it off. I refused to and I finally got it to my panel beater. That’s when the true drama started and everything went wrong from struggling to initially source the parts, to the wrong ones arriving. His guy then got injured working on my car and then a gas cylinder fell on it when it was nearly finished. At one point, everyone around me made me panic that my guy was actually a bad ass and sold my car off as parts. The whole time, although not sharing the story at all, I kept on checking in and bumming lifts and cars wherever I could. It was a ridiculously frustrating and uncontrollable time in my life, so I said nothing. There was other stuff to talk about … so I did.
I have my car back now and it’s amazing how excited I was to get home, get work done and get blogging. Boasting about my child that is all fixed up!!
I also finished paying her off just before the accident and put her in my name today, which is another very exciting milestone as a car owner.
So yes … let’s talk about that!!!
I can go on, but there’s only so much I can say about a car, that’s now fixed, but I’m still not done hiding away from the broken.
One of the things that I know sets my story aside from a lot of them is that I do tell it in the midst of my brokenness. At least, I try to. It did make me feel less alone in the work, when I realised that none of us want to talk about the broken. Okay, there’s the exception to the rule and we all know of someone who thrives on being broken, but I’m not one of them. I thrive on finding solutions, making it work and showing myself and the world that we are, in actual fact, perfect in our broken states.
OMG, that just sounds textbook to me now!
Work is going so well. There have been shifts for the positive in so many directions and things are falling into place, with a new client starting tomorrow and one ready to start at the beginning of the year … so let’s talk about that!
I won’t talk about the long road that it took to get to this point. About the frustration with trying to hold onto what works and not destroy relationships with what hasn’t been working at all. I avoided blogging about the horrid time I went through waiting for people around me to figure out what lay ahead for them, that would directly impact me.
I’m not great at playing the waiting game with things that are out of my control, because I am used to being resourceful and making a plan. It’s a bitch when it’s not my plans, but that’s in the past … not broken anymore, so let’s talk about that.
I did one post about heading back into the dating game, but soon enough all it did was make me feel broken again. I can only get so many bragging rights and fake my ego boost at managing to score some male attention for a while. It didn’t take me long to fall very silent on this one and fool myself by saying it’s my private life and I don’t need to share it, but the truth is that, besides a few fun moments (with unavailable men) being on those dating sites only made me feel more broken.
Deleted, unsubscribed, with my esteem and integrity partially in tact … I feel less broken, so let’s talk about that.
I exercised and ate healthy today, because broken weeks and months have passed … so I haven’t been talking about that.
I hope I sound more fixed than broken, because I really am. We say it every year, but I can’t believe we are a month away from Christmas. I am ending my year on an incredible high though, with a blossoming business, huge achievements on a personal and professional level, a marked improvement in my relationship with money and a few moments of intimacy that filled a void and made me smile (and other stuff).
Thanks for sticking around while I wait for the glue to dry and I feel a little more back together again …
With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour